Cadaverous Pallor
09-05-2012, 01:48 AM
My little boy started preschool today. I stayed with him and tried to give him the space to grow away from me. He did admirably, eventually wandering off and not worrying about rubbing elbows with the other kids. On Thursday he'll go it alone.
I hadn't felt that emotional about this step at all. I hadn't worried about his ability to fend for himself. He has been around other kids since he was 3 months old. He speaks clearly now and makes his feelings known. He can be patient and he can be feisty and he handles many situations surprisingly well for a two year old.
I hadn't felt any loss, felt any internal rebellion against him growing up. I want him to learn these social skills, I want him to learn to be away from me. I want more freedom for myself as well.
Tonight it hit me. I fully digested my pedestrian experience at preschool today and the result is spooling out in my head. He's still so tiny for his age, physically smaller than anyone in his class. Some of the kids were boisterous, some quiet, a good mix actually, but you could still see the learning curve. Most of the others there have been in daycare for a long time. They weren't lucky enough to have parents with them every day. He may not be picked on constantly or pushed aside often, but the idea that he definitely will be, at some point, and have to deal with it all on his own, is like needles in my eyes. My own experiences come rushing forward in Technicolor. Hidden scars of episodes I don't even remember ache in my head. It's all I can do to not say aloud, "My sweet innocent baby, out there in the f.cked up world, already??"
As I mentioned on Facebook I watched Moulin Rouge! tonight, and it may seem stupid to some of you, but that film moves me strongly. Amidst all the lovely production values is a serious message, one of the most serious that I grapple with. The idea that life is fleeting and that we need to enjoy it anyway. “Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Above All Things, Love” is a bit of a redundancy, for the first three are Love as well. Everything that we bother with that isn’t purely to keep us breathing is Love. Did I mention I’m emotional? Getting back to the point, even though Satine is going to die, all they go through is important, is worth it. We are all going to die. If we focus on the shortness of our lives we lose sight of the lives themselves. Our lives are only worthwhile when spent on Love in as many forms as we can muster. Sometimes I lose this message among my mostly realist mindset.
Sheltering my son from f.cked-up-edness means shielding him from Love as well. He went down a slide today that was faster than he usually attempts. The moment of real excitement in his face was so gratifying for me. Yes, yes, yes! Push yourself. Try things that are a little scary. Feel the height of the playset and the strength in your muscles pulling you up. Take the tricycle down the little slope and let the speed build. Let go and dance the Hokey Pokey like no one is watching. Even feel the fear of being alone in a sea of near-strangers and the pride of keeping your sh.t together until mommy gets back to sweep you up in a hug. Figure out who you are as an independent person and learn to Love yourself.
My brother is in the maternity ward tonight with his wife, inducing their new daughter into this challenging world. They do not know that they are in for a whole new level of Love, something so primal and instant and binding, such an alternate plane of existence that shackles and frees and expands your perceptions a thousand-fold. I cannot wait to see my little brother’s face tomorrow and give him a hug and probably cry all over him.
It became known to me that I am fully through the looking glass these days. Every time – and this is true, I am not exaggerating – every time I see a homeless person lately, I think: They were a baby once. And at least one person probably loved them. Odds are, when they were born, their mommy cried tears of joy at how much she Loved him. And there were probably many people who loved that baby. The baby was dressed in cute outfits and photos were taken. They were taught to walk and talk and eat and someone tucked them in at night. Past that is anyone’s guess as the odds shrink down into dark and sad realities. At some point, they ran out of people who loved them enough to help them. I knew someone who was homeless, and it was because he has mental problems and ran away from any help he was offered. I’ve seen it happen and I knew his mother and it makes this train of thought all the more real and awful to me.
Sad, terrible things happen, all the time, for no reason. There is no supreme mind taking care of it all. It is all chaos and happenstance and you or I could easily get caught in the gears. It is so easy to slip down into nihilism once these realities are fully digested. Hence the popularity of kidding ourselves. It is easier to pretend otherwise than to look grim reality in the face and say, “Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Above All Things, Love!”
So now I’m listening to Elton John’s Your Song and wiping away endless tears in the dark. I’m thinking, I don’t want to ask people to send their good vibrations to my brand new niece-to-be. I want to ask people to Love with a capital Ell. I want to ask you to Love yourselves and be as Loving to each other as you possibly can. I want everyone to look everyone they meet in the face and say, you are a person, you are somebody’s child, you are somebody’s ancestor, you are somebody’s Soul Mate, you are somebody’s Best Friend. You are Somebody, and I Love you for it.
<3
I hadn't felt that emotional about this step at all. I hadn't worried about his ability to fend for himself. He has been around other kids since he was 3 months old. He speaks clearly now and makes his feelings known. He can be patient and he can be feisty and he handles many situations surprisingly well for a two year old.
I hadn't felt any loss, felt any internal rebellion against him growing up. I want him to learn these social skills, I want him to learn to be away from me. I want more freedom for myself as well.
Tonight it hit me. I fully digested my pedestrian experience at preschool today and the result is spooling out in my head. He's still so tiny for his age, physically smaller than anyone in his class. Some of the kids were boisterous, some quiet, a good mix actually, but you could still see the learning curve. Most of the others there have been in daycare for a long time. They weren't lucky enough to have parents with them every day. He may not be picked on constantly or pushed aside often, but the idea that he definitely will be, at some point, and have to deal with it all on his own, is like needles in my eyes. My own experiences come rushing forward in Technicolor. Hidden scars of episodes I don't even remember ache in my head. It's all I can do to not say aloud, "My sweet innocent baby, out there in the f.cked up world, already??"
As I mentioned on Facebook I watched Moulin Rouge! tonight, and it may seem stupid to some of you, but that film moves me strongly. Amidst all the lovely production values is a serious message, one of the most serious that I grapple with. The idea that life is fleeting and that we need to enjoy it anyway. “Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Above All Things, Love” is a bit of a redundancy, for the first three are Love as well. Everything that we bother with that isn’t purely to keep us breathing is Love. Did I mention I’m emotional? Getting back to the point, even though Satine is going to die, all they go through is important, is worth it. We are all going to die. If we focus on the shortness of our lives we lose sight of the lives themselves. Our lives are only worthwhile when spent on Love in as many forms as we can muster. Sometimes I lose this message among my mostly realist mindset.
Sheltering my son from f.cked-up-edness means shielding him from Love as well. He went down a slide today that was faster than he usually attempts. The moment of real excitement in his face was so gratifying for me. Yes, yes, yes! Push yourself. Try things that are a little scary. Feel the height of the playset and the strength in your muscles pulling you up. Take the tricycle down the little slope and let the speed build. Let go and dance the Hokey Pokey like no one is watching. Even feel the fear of being alone in a sea of near-strangers and the pride of keeping your sh.t together until mommy gets back to sweep you up in a hug. Figure out who you are as an independent person and learn to Love yourself.
My brother is in the maternity ward tonight with his wife, inducing their new daughter into this challenging world. They do not know that they are in for a whole new level of Love, something so primal and instant and binding, such an alternate plane of existence that shackles and frees and expands your perceptions a thousand-fold. I cannot wait to see my little brother’s face tomorrow and give him a hug and probably cry all over him.
It became known to me that I am fully through the looking glass these days. Every time – and this is true, I am not exaggerating – every time I see a homeless person lately, I think: They were a baby once. And at least one person probably loved them. Odds are, when they were born, their mommy cried tears of joy at how much she Loved him. And there were probably many people who loved that baby. The baby was dressed in cute outfits and photos were taken. They were taught to walk and talk and eat and someone tucked them in at night. Past that is anyone’s guess as the odds shrink down into dark and sad realities. At some point, they ran out of people who loved them enough to help them. I knew someone who was homeless, and it was because he has mental problems and ran away from any help he was offered. I’ve seen it happen and I knew his mother and it makes this train of thought all the more real and awful to me.
Sad, terrible things happen, all the time, for no reason. There is no supreme mind taking care of it all. It is all chaos and happenstance and you or I could easily get caught in the gears. It is so easy to slip down into nihilism once these realities are fully digested. Hence the popularity of kidding ourselves. It is easier to pretend otherwise than to look grim reality in the face and say, “Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Above All Things, Love!”
So now I’m listening to Elton John’s Your Song and wiping away endless tears in the dark. I’m thinking, I don’t want to ask people to send their good vibrations to my brand new niece-to-be. I want to ask people to Love with a capital Ell. I want to ask you to Love yourselves and be as Loving to each other as you possibly can. I want everyone to look everyone they meet in the face and say, you are a person, you are somebody’s child, you are somebody’s ancestor, you are somebody’s Soul Mate, you are somebody’s Best Friend. You are Somebody, and I Love you for it.
<3