Gifts that aren't.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Not posting this on Facebook because I don't want this to get back to my husband's family.

Every year they have a gift exchange complete with random lottery and stealing game and every year the majority of the gifts are White Elephant gifts - that is, unwanted, useless, ugly, lame. If I'm lucky I get a candle. Hell, I'll steal a candle, because IMO it's the best thing there, and because no one else wants them, and I want to give others a chance to get something they might possibly want. In fact, most years, someone gives me the candle they won because they know I like them and they don't want it. Year after year it's disappointed faces opening packages with boxes obviously dented from over-re-gifting.

WHY? Why do we treat each other as a dumping ground? The limit is $10-$15. Why can't people just buy something nice for each other? I always take pride in not lowering my standards. I bring things people actually want. I buy gifts, not unearth crap in my closet. If I don't like it, I DONATE IT, I don't save it to shove into someone else's face unwanted.

When we started doing this years ago, when all the "kids" (our age) became adults, I thought this sort of immature attitude would change over time. After all, who wants to see the older generation open our cast off garbage? To me, that's the worst part, seeing senior citizens (that we happen to love dearly) open useless gifts and make sour faces. But no, year after year, nothing has changed. (BTW, my parents-in-law bowed out of the exchange this year.)

This year the evite said "gift cards preferred". All gift cards? What is even the point if everyone brings a $15 gift card?

In recent years I've been to other parties where they hold a "Favorite Things" gift exchange, where participants are instructed to bring something they love and want to share. Last year I went to one where the limit was very low - $5 - and the gifts were 10 times better. This year my mom's club had a favorite things exchange with a $13 limit and I believe absolutely everyone went home happy.

Seriously, WHY do people do this to each other when there are such nicer ways to do things?

[flippyshark]

Wow. I've been through a couple of work-related gift exchange/steal events, and it never occurred to me that a family would do it, because it seemed so completely unsatisfying and stupid to me. I can only think that those who enjoy this awful system find humor in observing the mutual dissatisfaction. (That is certainly how it played out at work - some people seemed like Nelson on the Simpsons enjoying a prolonged HA HA!)

I've pretty much forsworn the whole gift-giving aspect in favor of simply getting-together. (With food and drink being the best sort of gifts anyway - they are enjoyed that day by everyone present. It's just nicer!)

[3894]

there are such nicer ways to do things

First, sincerest sympathies, CP. That has to really get under a person's skin.

Is there no way to change things up? Would they agree to a new (and improved) tradition?

[Cadaverous Pallor]

I can only think that those who enjoy this awful system find humor in observing the mutual dissatisfaction. Yup. Certain family members seem to love it.

I could be on board for this if it were just people our age and we all agreed it was to be gag gifts, but as I mentioned it includes family members of all ages.

Is there no way to change things up? Would they agree to a new (and improved) tradition?I'm going to propose a Favorite Things exchange next year. I don't know how high my opinion ranks with the group but it's worth a shot.

[RStar]

We had one at work once (white elephant was the name) and almost every gift was funny but cute, and something that people WANTED to steal usually. Everyone got something they were happy with. That tells me the type of respect we have for each other, and the lack of respect of some of the people you are refering to in my opinion.

I'd suggest the change, and bow out if they don't agree.

[Kevy Baby]

Susan's family (Mom's side) does this every year. Thankfully, most everything is good; not every person wants every item, but most every item is wanted by somebody. There are occasional duds, but for the most part, it goes well.

Susan usually brings hand-crafted items, but not this year. Many people were disappointed.

Several years ago, one of the aunts (crazy) realized she forgot to bring presents. She ran out to her car to find some things, one of which was a rusted can of WD-40. She wrapped it up and threw it into the mix (and she was serious). That can got regifted for several years, with a gift card or a $20 bill taped to it.

Sorry to hear your experiences aren't as fun.

[Snowflake]

I think the suggestion of a favorite things exchange is a great idea. I'm going to use it myself. Now, would you carry more weight if you were the instigator (organizer) of the exchange for 2014?

[Strangler Lewis]

I've been part of one of these things at a party, and it was fun as a party game.

Where Christmas or Hanukkah are concerned, however, if this is the plan, I think you're already exquisitely close to saying, "Look, we all hate f****** shopping for each other." So, why not just say it and just smile at each other at the family gathering without the stress and games?

[Gn2Dlnd]

Like Snowflake, I'd say that if you host the party next year, you get to make the rules. Combine it with a requirement to wear an ugly holiday sweater and you'll have something fantastic!

[Ghoulish Delight]

Ahem, seeing as it's my family, might I chime in.

This party has been held in the same home for 40+ years. We will not be hosting it, nor making anything more than suggestions.

There's a lot of history that got things to where they are. Part of the problem is that there is a large group of us that grew up as children attending this party and us getting gifts was a large part of the party tradition. Then we all grew up into young adults and there were no children anymore. Some of the older adult generation were still feeling "obligated" to give gifts to us "children", to a fault, even whey they probably didn't have an income that made it make sense. And it was causing stupid drama in the form of guilt among those who decided not to gift, or hostility among those who vehemently wanted the gifting to stop.

So the gift exchange came about as a way to break that habit while maintaining the gift-giving atmosphere that previously defined the tradition. The side of the family most closely related to the hosting-home is a large contingent and are the ones who enjoy the "kitschy/jokey" side of it the most. So that's the way it's gone. Like I said, we can try to suggest otherwise, but it's not our call. As a matter of fact, this year the "rules" of the exchange even said, "Gift cards preferred" so someone was trying to reign it in...to no avail.

Of course, now there's a new generation of kids. Plenty of gift giving opportunity and we really should just drop the whole exchange. But if we do that, there's the danger of certain people reverting to the drama of old. No fun either. Complicating things is that the holidays is only part of the point of the party. It actually began long ago as a birthday party for my grandmother, and over the years the family has managed to amass a disproportionate amount of December birthdays. So it's largely a birthday party, with a lot of birthday gifting happening. So that's another reason the exchange has stuck around, people get concerned that people will feel left out if a bunch of people are getting birthday gifts and others aren't. Of course, those are largely the people who can't quite understand that we're not children anymore. AND no one seems to pay attention when I point out that, over all the years, I was consistently the one that received the fewest gifts and yet I really couldn't care less about who is and isn't getting gifts. But logic has little to do with it.

I have no need to get a gift - good, bad, or otherwise. But I don't want to be the sourpuss in the corner not participating. So I bring a gift, I make it something nice, and I participate. If I get something stupid, I donate it. Beyond that, it's not my call and I'm not interested in turning it into a confrontation.

[Gn2Dlnd]

But who will wear the sweaters?

[Alex]

The way my family solved the issue GD mentions is that we just went to a lottery for everybody at that party. At the end of the day on Christmas all names would go into a bowl for the next year and eveybody would draw one.

That is who you had the next year. The rules were you could do whatever you wanted for that one gift but you didn't buy any gifts for anybody else in that bowl (at least not for that gathering, if you were married to someone or had other gatherings they were at you could do whatever you wanted). No spending maximums or minimums. But they were serious gifts and hopefully thought out.

So the result of this part of the family is that everybody had to buy one gift for other adults in the family. Children were not put in the bowl and it was expected that most people would buy gifts for most kids (and per present spending wouldn't be that high).

Behind the scenes it was made sure that come the next Christmas there'd be no gaps due to divorces, marriages, new SOs, etc.

Worked pretty well for our family, I don't remember a lot of drama. But I was only participating at an adult for a few years before my dad died and my grandparents moved to Arizona and the center failed and that particular gathering disappeared.

Personally, I hate gift giving turned into a party game with the stealing and the hurt feelings that always seem to happen and the past game reshuffling, especially the White Elephant kind. So I just stick to my guns most of the time and refuse to participant and get to be the stick in the corner. Fortunately it has been many years since any group I was part of tried to do one.

[katiesue]

I'm not a fan of the stealing/white elephant kinds of things. I participate if invited but I don't find it fun. I'd much rather draw a name and get something thoughtful for that particular person. And you can come up with something thoughtful on a very small budget if needed.

[BarTopDancer]

I'm not a fan of white elephant gift exchanges, or exchanging similarly valued gift cards with friends so I generally don't participate. However, I just discovered The Something Store (http://www.somethingstore.com/) which seems like a great place to get a gift (only $10 w/ free shipping) for this type of exchange.

I haven't used it yet but I'll try it the next time I there's an obligatory exchange.

[Gn2Dlnd]

That sounds fun!

[Moonliner]

Ahem, seeing as it's my family, might I chime in.

This party has been held in the same home for 40+ years. We will not be hosting it, nor making anything more than suggestions.

There's a lot of history that got things to where they are. Part of the problem is that there is a large group of us that grew up as children attending this party and us getting gifts was a large part of the party tradition. Then we all grew up into young adults and there were no children anymore. Some of the older adult generation were still feeling "obligated" to give gifts to us "children", to a fault, even whey they probably didn't have an income that made it make sense. And it was causing stupid drama in the form of guilt among those who decided not to gift, or hostility among those who vehemently wanted the gifting to stop.

So the gift exchange came about as a way to break that habit while maintaining the gift-giving atmosphere that previously defined the tradition. The side of the family most closely related to the hosting-home is a large contingent and are the ones who enjoy the "kitschy/jokey" side of it the most. So that's the way it's gone. Like I said, we can try to suggest otherwise, but it's not our call. As a matter of fact, this year the "rules" of the exchange even said, "Gift cards preferred" so someone was trying to reign it in...to no avail.

Of course, now there's a new generation of kids. Plenty of gift giving opportunity and we really should just drop the whole exchange. But if we do that, there's the danger of certain people reverting to the drama of old. No fun either. Complicating things is that the holidays is only part of the point of the party. It actually began long ago as a birthday party for my grandmother, and over the years the family has managed to amass a disproportionate amount of December birthdays. So it's largely a birthday party, with a lot of birthday gifting happening. So that's another reason the exchange has stuck around, people get concerned that people will feel left out if a bunch of people are getting birthday gifts and others aren't. Of course, those are largely the people who can't quite understand that we're not children anymore. AND no one seems to pay attention when I point out that, over all the years, I was consistently the one that received the fewest gifts and yet I really couldn't care less about who is and isn't getting gifts. But logic has little to do with it.

I have no need to get a gift - good, bad, or otherwise. But I don't want to be the sourpuss in the corner not participating. So I bring a gift, I make it something nice, and I participate. If I get something stupid, I donate it. Beyond that, it's not my call and I'm not interested in turning it into a confrontation.

TL;DR But it sounds like you are saying the social aspect is more important that the physical objects.

[Ghoulish Delight]

TL;DR But it sounds like you are saying the social aspect is more important that the physical objects.
From a holistic sense, of course it is. Does my crazy family realize that? Hardly.

[alphabassettgrrl]

If the gag gifts are funny, that's one thing. I kind of enjoy those. Not a huge fan of the stealing game, but that's often how it plays.

I hope you can find some joy in giving your thoughtful gifts, and knowing that whoever gets it will actually appreciate it.

My family did the "pull one name" thing for a while but we've all sort of fallen apart. My brothers and my mom and me are good, but the rest are estranged. It's in some ways a relief, which feels like a terrible thing to say.

[innerSpaceman]

Our family does the same thing on Christmas. It's specifically a "White Elephant" gift exchange game, but it's often very creative and funny. Well, make that "sometimes." And this year wasn't one of those times. BUT, I did walk away with a set of Bacon accessories (chapstick, air freshener, dental floss AND a bacon WALLET) and also a talking Duck Dynasty keychain. After the laugh, there's absolutely nothing to do with this stuff but put it in mothballs. I don't even think I can re-gift it later.

BUT - it was amusing and that's the point. Not to Obtain Stuff. But to have a good time doing a Christmassy thing like gift-giving, but without all the time and lavish expense it used to involve when each of us bought gifts to each other of us.


I'll take the fallow, boring years as the price of admission.