Joke Time

[CoasterMatt]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Ok, that was good. :)

[Mr. Fusion]

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other "Is it getting hot in here?" The other one responds "HOLY HELL! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[surfinmuse]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! Here are the results:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[MerryPrankster]

^^^ Okay, that one really made me laugh out loud. For real!! :D Thanks, I needed that.

[Tref]

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other "Is it getting hot in here?" The other one responds "HOLY HELL! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Hahahahaha Idon'tgetit.

[CoasterMatt]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

[scaeagles]

Bill Clinton goes jogging every morning. When he passes a particular corner, there is a prostitute there every morning, always the same one, who yells "$50". Clinton, always looking for a bargain, playfully yells back "No, $5".

This goes on for weeks, until one day Hillary decides to go jogging with him. He is concerned about his daily exchange with the hooker, but can't stop her from coming along.

When they get to the corner, the hooker yells "see what you get for $5?".

[CoasterMatt]

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

[Ghoulish Delight]

A strapping Scottish gentleman enters a bar, stark naked save for a steering wheel mounted around his manhood.

The bartender takes one look and, before booting him out the door, asks "What's that thing for?"

The man replies [thick Scottish accent] "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!" [/accent]

[CoasterMatt]

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

[Motorboat Cruiser]

For my friend, scaeagles. :)

One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.
Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure
moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?" Bush asked.

"Go to the theater," replied Abe.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

A carrot and a banana are walking down the street together. The carrot keeps hopping from the curb to the street to the curb to the street. The banana warns his friend "You shouldn't do that, it's dangerous". The carrot pays no attention, just keeps jumping back and forth. Eventually tragedy strikes: the carrot is hit by a car.

The paramedics arrive and rush the carrot to the hospital where the carrot is rushed into emergency surgery. The banana paces in the waiting room until finally the doctor appears.

"Well, I have good news and bad news about your friend" the doctor says. "The good news is he is going to live. The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."




Hey, who threw that?!?!

[scaeagles]

MBC - I'll take that to mean you really like Dick Cheney and hope he's President someday. :)

[Motorboat Cruiser]

MBC - I'll take that to mean you really like Dick Cheney and hope he's President someday. :)

Yep, you nailed it. :)

[Kevy Baby]

What goes:

"clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop"?

An Amish drive-by shooting

[surfinmuse]

Q: When do you know that your date with a pilot is half-over?
A: When he goes, "Okay, enough about me. Now let's talk about airplanes."

[CoasterMatt]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[Kevy Baby]

Another guy walks into the same bar (this is one very amused and hard-working bartender!). Orders up five shots of whiskey and downs them one after the other.

"What's the occassion?" asks the bartender.

"My first blowjob."

"Well then, let me pour you one more shot - on the house."

"Nah," replies the man. "If the first five didn't kill the taste, nothing will."

[Mr. Fusion]

How does every racist joke start?
*looks left*

*looks right*


"Okay, so..."

;)

[CoasterMatt]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."

[LSPoorEeyorick]

A tipsy man wobbles up to the bar and signals the bartender. "I want a beer for me, a beer for you, and a beer for all of my friends," he slurs, gesturing at the people in the room. The bartender shakes his hand, and shouts to the barflies that this round is on the tipsy man. Pints are poured, and backs are slapped, and everyone enjoys the frosty goodness. The bartender presents the tipsy man with his bill, but discovers that the tipsy man has nothing but lint in his pockets. The bartender flips out and punches the guy before he gives him the boot into the alley.

The next day, the tipsy man returns and signals the bartender. "I want a beer for me, a beer for you, and a beer for all of my friends," he slurs, gesturing again at the surrounding people. The bartender looks doubtful and inquires if the tipsy man can pay for the round. "Yup," the tipsy man says, and so once again, pints are poured, and backs are slapped, and everyone enjoys the frosty goodness. Upon presenting the bill, the tipsy man grins a shi'ite-eating grin. The bartender goes ape-shi'ite, kicking his ass before kicking it out the door.

The following day, the tipsy man is back once again. "I want a beer for me, and a beer for all of my friends," he slurs. The bartender looks offended and asks why he's not included in this round. The tipsy man gives him a sober look and says "well, you get violent when you're drunk."

[SzczerbiakManiac]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,

"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

[Tramspotter]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[Tramspotter]

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[Tramspotter]

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[Tramspotter]

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him "You **** her again..."