Vignette attempt.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Ok everyone, I'm making myself a bit vulnerable this time.

This is an experimental piece for me. The idea would be many different vignettes from different perspectives, all concerning Disneyland and those that frequent the place. Perhaps eventually it would morph into a novel or screenplay, but I think I need to start writing it this way.

This project is something I'm trying to get comfortable with and make into something I can attempt to publish. I would appreciate comments and constructive critique. Seriously. If you don't want to shame me in public, PM me. :D I really want to work on this.

Thanks for reading, as always.

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Vignette #1

Jason sipped at his coke float and smiled.

It was just after sunset at Disneyland, and already Main Street glowed reassuringly. The simple white bulbs on each eave radiated comfort to passersby. Even in the midst of countless strangers the effect was similar to that of sitting next to a crackling fire in your favorite plush chair.

The line for ice cream at the Gibson Girl was as long now as it had been during the heat of the afternoon. Some sat on the curb enjoying their last sugar rush of the day. Tourists were slipping in and out of shops, perusing mementos, trying to lock the fun into one physical object. Many were in the Emporium, the largest store on Main Street. Would their niece back home prefer a t-shirt or a purse? Elbows were bumped but the apologies were always quick and heartfelt.

Jason's feet were propped up on a vacant chair as he watched the DayPasses scurry about. This might be the only time in their lives that they're here, he thought. That one day to bask in the glow of the Happiest Place on Earth.

Rod was playing ragtime piano a few steps away from his table. Though the music was jaunty and upbeat, the familiarity of it was soothing. Jason knew all of the Rod's songs by heart.

He noticed a large group appear, toting piles of hot dogs and pretzels. They began the attempt to gather enough chairs at the one open table. Jason quickly sat up and pushed the empty chair in their direction.

"Is this free?"
"Yes, yes, go ahead."

The preteen girl seemed somewhat surprised to see a man with greying temples sitting alone at Disneyland, but she took the chair anyway and promptly forgot all about him.

Jason watched the family settle in and eat their overpriced snacks. They talked of what they'd enjoyed during the day and what they still had yet to do. They bemoaned the closed rides. To Jason it seemed they'd done a pretty good job of canvassing the park. Imagine it, he thought again. Just one day to do everything, perhaps without the possibility of coming back, ever!

Jason thought about his own itinerary that day.

Arrived at 2:30pm. Checked the construction walls in Tomorrowland. Rode the Monorail so he could see how far the paving project had progressed. Took pictures of the new paint job in Toontown. Chatted with a Cast Member in Disneyana while he looked at the latest limited edition figurine release. Had an early dinner at Rancho Del Zocolo, then here for dessert. Lots of strolling around and sitting on benches in between.

Yup, definitely a productive day. He smiled at no one in particular and slurped the last of his ice cream soda.

Cast Members seemed to appear out of nowhere, carrying poles and rope. Quickly they began setting up boundaries along Main Street.

"Parade soon," mumbled Jason to himself. "Gotta get out of here."

He stood, making sure to pick up his napkins and wipe the table clean. On his way to the trash can he noticed someone's receipt lingering on the floor. He picked that up as well and threw it all away.

He caught Rod's eye and gave him a smiling nod. Rod nodded back, in thanks and recognition, never missing a beat on the piano.

Without haste, Jason moved down Main Street to the exit, smiling to himself because he was alone, smiling at the tired parents pushing children in strollers, smiling at the Cast Members who were getting ready for parade crowds.

As he approached the end of Main Street, he nodded once more, in the direction of the furnished but vacant apartment above the Firehouse. The light in the window burned brightly.

"G'night Walt. See you real soon."

[Tref]

Beautifully written, CD. I look forward to the next installment.

[Boss Radio]

Well written, and somewhat sad. Is he a lonely soul?

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Well written, and somewhat sad. Is he a lonely soul?Hmm, interesting. I didn't intend sadness. What specifically made it seem sad?

Anyone else want to say how it made them feel?

[TheatreTech]

Hmm, interesting. I didn't intend sadness. What specifically made it seem sad?

Anyone else want to say how it made them feel?

Very well written. (And motivating for me to continue with my story. ;))

It made me think of...well, me. Not in a sad way, though. (Although, I let out a sigh at the mention of Rod because he hasn't been at the park lately.)

Aside from that, it was very...calming. (If that description works.)

[Cadaverous Pallor]

It made me think of...well, me.Good! :) The more real it feels to those that do go alone, the better.

Aside from that, it was very...calming. (If that description works.)Also good to hear, thanks. Others, please chime in - what works, what doesn't?

[Drince88]

It does seem very real to me, as well (even though it's been eons since I've been to DL (but I'm going in October!). I guess it seemed a little sad/lonely, but that may be because at the end of the day spent alone, I can feel sad/lonely. Not that I feel that way WHEN spending the day alone (but that's my own demon to deal with).

It's a great job at describing the sights/sounds/smells/thoughts - but if you do develop it into something more, there needs to be a bit more plot. However, my understanding is that was not the point of THIS example, so I almost didn't write that last part.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

It's a great job at describing the sights/sounds/smells/thoughts - but if you do develop it into something more, there needs to be a bit more plot. However, my understanding is that was not the point of THIS example, so I almost didn't write that last part.You've got it right. I think I'm going to write a bunch of vignettes like this one, lacking in plot but thick with emotions and visual impressions, so I can get used to what feel I want out of it. There are lots of things I'm debating on this and I don't wish to bore anyone with that.

So yeah, this is what it is, a bit of fluff.

[sleepyjeff]

Hmm, interesting. I didn't intend sadness. What specifically made it seem sad?

Anyone else want to say how it made them feel?

It seemed sad to me too. Kind of like when an old man visits a playground and even though he can do all of the things the kids are doing he doesn't because the desire to has grown out of him.....the newness has worn off....so he sadly leaves his old playground perhaps giving a nod to a favorite spot that has a special meaning to him. He knows he will return but he also knows that when he does return he will feel even less of the magic then he felt on this visit.

I loved it...... :snap: :snap: :snap:

[wendybeth]

Good! :) The more real it feels to those that do go alone, the better.

Also good to hear, thanks. Others, please chime in - what works, what doesn't?

I waited to see how I felt about it, as I like to let things sink in before offering any criticism.

Your mojo is in the mailbox.;)

:snap::snap::snap:

[Boss Radio]

He is alone, but not necessarily lonely. He is, however, at the happiest place on earth, and he is seeing that happiness primarily as a reflection on the faces of those around him. As he drifts effortlessly through a well-practiced routine (RITUAL) that keeps his character operating at a safe arms-length distance from what he is really feeling as he experiences DL for the umpteenth time, Jason keeps coming back for a reason...

[Cadaverous Pallor]

He is alone, but not necessarily lonely. He is, however, at the happiest place on earth, and he is seeing that happiness primarily as a reflection on the faces of those around him. As he drifts effortlessly through a well-practiced routine (RITUAL) that keeps his character operating at a safe arms-length distance from what he is really feeling as he experiences DL for the umpteenth time, Jason keeps coming back for a reason...Ok, YOU get to write the blurb on the book jacket....or the blurb on the back of the DVD. :D

I'm going to start work on another one soon. Everyone's feedback is great!

[Ghoulish Delight]

Well, having the benefit of seeing some of your previous attempts at a similar idea, I can comment on your progress. I've pointed out before your tendency to set a scene using static lists of descriptions rather than a "show, don't tell" approach of letting the setting develop through the characters' actions. You haven't divested this entirely of that, but it's much improved, feeling less like a screenplay scene description and more like literature.

As usual, excellent imagery, but something, for me at least, isn't sitting right, stylisticly. I think it's that the piece can't decide whether it's establishing the setting, or establishing the character. Of course, in the long run you'd like to do both, but in a short format like that, I think you almost have to make a decission as to which is the driver and which is the passenger. Either you're setting the scene through the eyes of the character, or you're developing the character within the scene. In an attempt to wedge both into there, I think you did a disservice to either.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Wow, now that's the kind of exact nudging I've been looking for! Thank you! :)

[Motorboat Cruiser]

I didn't feel sadness from it. Then again, the idea of being at Disneyland alone isn't something that conveys lonliness to me. I've always found a solo trip to be a serene and wonderfully relaxing experience that few people, other than those that have experienced it, seem to understand. If anything, it made me feel that it has been too long since I have been to the park alone. I was able to relate to how Jason felt, from watching people and wondering if this was their first trip, to making sure that he cleaned up after himself out of respect for the park and its guests, to giving an appreciative nod to the apartment window on his way out.

A very enjoyable read, CP. Can't wait to read part 2! :)

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Finally responded to this at dti.

One question: Will you ever show these characters in situations outside of the park?

xoxo

[Cadaverous Pallor]

One question: Will you ever show these characters in situations outside of the park?Answer: Yes. :) Eventually, who they are and where they come from will be important to the piece(s).

Love you guys!

[€uroMeinke]

I think you need to keep writing and play with the character a bit - see what he wants to do, where he takes you, and who he introduces yourself to. No need to make it part of the story, but he might take you places you hadn't thought of.

[Prudence]

I loved it. My only comment would be that I want more sounds. And I don't know where exactly, or how, because I re-read it and there were sounds described. I guess when I picture Main Street in my mind -- and that in particular of all of the lands -- I don't just see it, I hear it.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

I loved it. My only comment would be that I want more sounds. And I don't know where exactly, or how, because I re-read it and there were sounds described. I guess when I picture Main Street in my mind -- and that in particular of all of the lands -- I don't just see it, I hear it.It's funny you should mention this. My original attempt included this, regarding Main Street: Sweet music saunters through the air, familiar and comforting. I went through many versions of that thought and then decided to sit at Coke Corner with Rod playing....and realized that I didn't want to pick a song, because I wanted the mood to stay quiet and soothing. The bit I did put in about the music was my compromise between my urge to place him as a Rod fan but keep the tone low.

Thanks for the comment!

[tracilicious]

Interesting. It did seem sad to me. I thought it was good writing, but it didn't captivate me like I felt it could have. I can't pinpoint why. I could definitely see it turning into something Coffee and Cigarettes-ish. Keep up the good work.