Honk If You F**king Love Boston

[Gemini Cricket]

Our apartment in Boston is on a semi-busy street.
The street in front of our building goes from a two lane to a one lane because of the heavy parking situation.
My home office (where my computer is) has a window that faces out to the street.
What is interesting is that every now and then I can hear Bostonians expressing their love for each other as they pass by. Keep in mind, one driver must pull in front of a driveway to let the other driver pass. Sometimes this act is done out of foresight, sometimes out of kindness, sometimes out of desperation and sometimes it's done at all and someone needs to back up into the driveway.
There's a big bush in front of my window, so I can't actually see the cars nor the drivers. But what I can hear is tremendously funny. Here's what I can hear from my desk on a regular basis:
(If you use a Boston accent with the following, it's hysterical.)

----------------

[Honk! Honk!]
Car #1 - Man's Voice: What the f*ck? Are you f*cking blind, you stink sh!thead?
Car #2 - Man Voice #2: Eat me!

----------------

[Long hooooooonk!]
Car #1 - Man Voice: Where'd you learn how to drive? Retard school?
Car #2 - Woman Voice: Kiss my ass!

----------------

[Screeching tires.]
Car #1 - Woman's Voice: Out of the f*cking way, asshole!
Car #2 - Man's Voice: Shove it, Bitch!
Passenger of Car #1 - Woman's voice: Just keep driving. Ignore him. You'll never see him again for the rest of your life.

-----------------

[Honk. Honk. Hoooooonk!]
Car #1 - Man's Voice: Niiiice driving!
Car #2 - Man's Voice: Ah, shaddap!

-----------------

:D I love this place!

[Not Afraid]

What? You didn't hear that in Monterey?

Gotta love it.

[€uroMeinke]

I'm tempted to move this piece to Open Mic as "found poetry."

Glad you're having fun ;)

[Gemini Cricket]

I'm tempted to move this piece to Open Mic as "found poetry."
Sounds good to me. I can add to it from day to day.
I was thinking of posting it in Open Mic initially.
:D

[blueerica]

Wow, they don't do that from cars in NYC!

I hear Boston's a bitch to drive in...

[Gemini Cricket]

I hear Boston's a bitch to drive in...
It's like a city-sized Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and Car Toon Spin combined. And then add competing tracks to the ride that intersect the track you are on.

And, oh yeah, every other driver is blindfolded.
:D

[blueerica]

Hahah!

[Scrooge McSam]

I hear Boston's a bitch to drive in...

You hear correctly. I'll never put myself through it again if I can help it.

[Ghoulish Delight]

Wow, they don't do that from cars in NYC!

I hear Boston's a bitch to drive in...You think driving there is scary, try walking!

Something about that city just MAKES you a bad driver. I was asleep in the back seat, so I don't know exactly what happened, but my dad was driving a rental car and got himself in a situation where he had to throw it in reverse on the Mass Pike!

[Gemini Cricket]

I know why people are bad drivers in Boston.
I know the secret.
I know.

There is no grid system here to the roads. California is a good example of places that have the roads built in a grid. When it's done that way, you know which was north and south are. Here, there is no way of knowing sometimes. Apparently, all the roads in the congested areas were once footpaths a long, long time ago. They kept those paths and enhanced them to accommodate vehicles.

Intersections many of the times are unmarked. There are no street signs to reassure you that you're still on the street you thought you were on. Sometimes streets change names but there are no signs to tell you that they changed. Lots of times a street will go from a two way street and then all of a sudden you hit a 'Do Not Enter' sign because the rest of the street is one-way...coming at you now one-way.

Lots of residents take the T (the subway). So that's how they get to everywhere. So when they jump into a car for a trek somewhere where the T doesn't go to, they're out of practice and the absent road signs don't help.

California (for the most part) is really good about painting lanes on their streets. Massachusetts is not. Sometimes there will be a road w/o lanes painted on them. This means that there are as many lanes as you want. Sometimes 2 lanes, sometimes 3 or even 4. It all depends on how many cars you can fit.

Boston also has a different idea about personal driving space. There isn't any. Someone will be on your ass always. And the horn is used always.

I get some slack because our truck still has California plates on it, people just think I'm not in the groove because I'm new.

Also another crazy thing is that if you're going to make a left at an intersection, without the aid of a left arrow, you go left immediately when the light turns green. Don't go after on a yellow (after all the cars go), because everyone will honk at you.

[Ghoulish Delight]

They also tend to consider traffic lights mere suggestions.

[Gemini Cricket]

They also tend to consider traffic lights mere suggestions.
Totally. Yet people always heed the 'No Turn on Red' signs. When you're second at a red light, you wish they'd just go.
:D

[Scrooge McSam]

There is no grid system here to the roads. California is a good example of places that have the roads built in a grid. When it's done that way, you know which was north and south are. Here, there is no way of knowing sometimes. Apparently, all the roads in the congested areas were once footpaths a long, long time ago.

... and cowtrots some of them. You picked up on that a lot quicker than I did, but then again I always took the T. After I moved to Newburyport, I almost never went back to Boston.

[PanTheMan]

After living in the Boston area for a few years in the 80's, I have to say I LOVE BOSTON! The Charater of the city and the people are GREAT! I was back there playing Hockey and having a great time.

Cause i love that Muddy Water......

[Stan4dSteph]

Say hi to Bono and the Edge for me. :)

[Gemini Cricket]

[Honk. HOOOOOoonk!]
Woman's voice: Take your time, I gots lots of time, here.

----------------

[Honk!]
[Another car's return Honk!]
[Squealing tires]

Woman's voice: Don't you spit at my car!

-----------------

Man's voice: Move the fu ck over.
2nd Man's voice: Aww, shuddup.

-----------------

Woman's voice: What the hell is your problem?
Man's voice: Your ass. That's my problem.

:D

[Not Afraid]

-----------------

Woman's voice: What the hell is your problem?
Man's voice: Your ass. That's my problem.

:D

That's just beautifully wrong.

[Gemini Cricket]

That's just beautifully wrong.
I know. Isn't it great?!

My grandfather used to say stuff like that all the time. ie. My grandmother would say, "Daddy, you're late!" And he'd respond, "Late, your ass!"

Funny stuff.

[Capt Jack]

A number of years back I was living in LA like 30 feet off a (rather depressed) main drag. it had a double alleyway running right outside my apartment window that t-boned into each other. One incident I remember clearly went something like:

fade in.
cut to the sound of two cars moving very fast down the alley
*tires screeeching to a stop*
car 1: You stupid *&(*#$ idiot! You almost hit me!
car 2: *voice in a drunken slur* Just move your @$$ and let me get by.
car 1: Make me you stupid #%*(*!!!
car 2: *bang!*...*bang!**bang!**bang!*
car 1: *burning rubber screeching into the distance*
car 2: *voice in a drunken slur* Thank you!

gotta love smell-A in the summertime. :(

[Kevy Baby]

Apparently, all the roads in the congested areas were once footpaths a long, long time ago. They kept those paths and enhanced them to accommodate vehicles.Reminds me of a sorta, kinda, almost maybe true (http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.htm) story about the width of railroad tracks.


How a Horse's Rear End Affects the Space Program

The US Standard railroad gauge (the distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8 ½ inches.

This is an exceedingly odd number. Why is that gauge used? What reason would any decent engineer in his or her right mind choose such an impractical distance?

The answer is due to the fact that this is the way they built the train tracks originally in England and the USA railroads were built by English expatriates. Ah. But...Why did the English build them like that in the first place?

It seems the reason can be traced even further back. The first railway lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. Okay, fine, but why did they use that impractical gauge in England back at the start of things?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay, but...Why did their wagons use that odd wheel spacing?

Because if they tried to use any other spacing the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads. All the old roads had deep wheel ruts that the wagon wheel spacing had to conform to or be ruined. So who built these stupid old rutted roads? It turns out it was Caesar's fault. Probably that is who you suspected in the first place.

It seems the first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The Roman roads have been used ever since. And the ruts?

The original ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by the wheels of Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8 ½ inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war-horses !!

Now it seems the Roman Empire will even have an effect on our Space Program, thus giving yet another possible explanation for our recent fiascos in space.

It turns out there is an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horses’ behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad from the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So there you have it. The major design feature of the world’s most advanced transportation system was originally determined by the width of a horse’s ass.

It makes you wonder what the world would be like today if Hannibal had beaten Rome with those Elephants...
It is a highly embellished story, but a fun read.

[Gemini Cricket]

I'm walking home from the T yesterday and I pass by two boys playing in their yard. They look like two eight year old cherubs. Rosy cheeks, big eyes, angels.... Then one turns to the other and in a huge Boston accent says, "Did you just say you wanted to fu ck my mother?!"
The other one says, "No, I said, 'Fu ck your mother.' Like as in 'Forget about her.' Jesus, man."
I started laughing hard. I wasn't expecting that.

I gotta write that one down somewhere...
:D

[xharryb]

Oh My! Reading this thread with the accent is making my day! :D