A sympathetic ear, please...

[Motorboat Cruiser]

I'm not sure why I am posting this. I guess just to get it out.

I'm not even sure where to start. Our roommate Doug had moved in last June. Matthew had met him on the bus and he seemed like a nice guy who was just a bit down on his luck. He didn't have a car or a place to live and was staying at a motel. He was employed though and needed a room to rent and we decided that by letting him move in, it would help both of our situations. He had a beautiful 9 yr old daughter that used to stay with us on the weekends and she was a sweet girl who adored her father almost as much as he adored her.

He was a really good guy but battled with alcohol. We saw that he was having a problem but didn't really know what to do. About a week ago, he lost his job. He only had about half of his rent money but we were trying to be understanding. He told us that his sister would be sending him a money-gram on Saturday and he would have what he owed us. On Saturday morning, he left saying he would be back in a couple of hours with the rent. That was the last we saw of him.

This morning, I don't know why but I decided to look at the Orange County Register and see if there might be any clue as to where he was. We were worried about him and something made me look. A news story immediately caught my eye. It would appear that Saturday night, our roommate laid down on the train tracks in Dana Point and was struck and killed.

Matthew and I are in such a daze today. There is the anger, the sadness, the confusion. We realize that there is nothing that we could have done. He gave no indication that he was planning this, at least none that we could have recognized at the time. We also feel an enormous amount of sadness for his little girl, who we thought the world of. I feel so horrible for her right now.

I contacted the coroner this morning (through the sherriff) to find out if her and her mom had been contacted. They apparently were on Sunday. I want to call her but don't know if it is appropriate yet. We decided that we will wait a few days and make a decision. I assume that they might have a lot of questions. I don't know that we have any answers but maybe we can help in some way.

We are ok, for the most part. We're not really sure what to feel right now. We both took the day off and are just trying to stay busy and keep our minds off of it. That's damn near impossible though. I will never understand suicide. I will never understand the mindset. I feel like I should be angry with him but I don't have the heart. I miss him and I hurt for him and his family. I just hurt. Keep us in your thoughts please.

[Morrigoon]

**Hugs**

[Olympicnut]

You feel what you need to feel. But personally when I hear that someone has committed suicide I get REALLY PI$$ED OFF! It makes me angry that these people, aside from those metally ill etc, can't deal with life so they end it.

I understand depression. I understand alcholism. But there are places to go to get treatment for these and I'm sorry, but killing yourself is selfish and a cop out! ESPECIALLY when there's a child involved. Good god that poor child, my heart goes out to her. PLUS he not only ended his life but in the process, laying on the tracks, endangered the lives of others, like the guy that pulled his car on the tracks a few months ago to kill himself and jumped out because he changed his mind, then ended up killing innocent people!

Ive had a few people in my life committ suicide throughout they years and it just really ticks me off to no end. I can keep going but wont.

[Gn2Dlnd]

Guys, I'm so sorry. Give me a call if you want (I think you've got my number), maybe my experiences would be of use.

Jim

[MickeyLumbo]

you're in my thoughts. you have my number if you would like to talk. i'm home if you'd like to come over.

[BarTopDancer]

Oh my goodness! ((((((((HUGS))))))))

If you want to get together and talk this evening give me a call.

[scaeagles]

So sorry to hear this, MBC.

[Ghoulish Delight]

How tragic. You're right, there's not much you can do. Hopefully when you do contact the mother and daughter, what they'll really want/need is a sympathetic ear of their own because I know she'll have the best in that regard in the two of you.

Stay strong.

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Oh, goodness. How awful for you and his family. And sad for him. Poor guy.

If I were his mother, I'd want to hear from you sooner rather than later. I would think it a bit strange not to hear from the people he was living with, because you were the last to see him, and also you have his stuff, yes? If anything, you can offer to bring her his stuff, or offer to hold onto them for as long as she'd like. Of course people react very differently to this sort of news, but I think she may want to hear from you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for all this sadness.

[Prudence]

Oh man, that sucks more than words can possibly express.

I'm about to suggest things to do. I don't know you well enough to know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. If it's a bad thing, just know that I'm thinking of you and stop reading now.

***

It's very good of you to make yourself available for questions. It's true that you probably don't have answers, but my experience is that the family will nonetheless have questions. If nothing else, you can help reassure them that there were no signs that they missed, as it's possible they may feel guilty.

How much did you interact with the daughter? Death -- whether suicide or natural -- changes more than just interactions with the deceased. If she's accustomed to seeing you two frequently, she may feel like she's "lost" you, too. I don't know what the family would wantand I don't want to give you instructions on what to do, but maybe she would like a last visit? Get something of her dad's? I don't know.

Another thing you might consider is writing down something about her dad for her to have, or for her mom to keep for her -- particular about how much he loved her. There may not be anyone else to say nice things about him and his love for his daughter -- and even if there is, more can't hurt. She's just old enough to have that irrational feeling that she's somehow to blame. And it might help to have something from two people who aren't relatives and who aren't "obligated" to say nice things to her to tell her that she WAS loved and adored, and that everyone knows it.

Oh, and I would call now. Or leave a note. Or something. They don't have to talk to you now, but if there are services or something maybe they would want something out of his room or some of his effects? Maybe you could make yourself available now and they will contact you when they're ready? There's nothing inappropriate about "Hello, we just wanted to let you know that we're available if you want to talk."

Damn. I'm totally telling you what to do and that's so not my job. I'm sorry. I can't help it.

It's crappy that this happened at all and it's crappy that you and Matthew have to be involved.

[libraryvixen]

I am so sorry MBC. :( You and Matthew are in my thoughts.

[Drince88]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, and also for his family.

I agree, if possible, call the family sooner rather than later and offer an ear or memories, or whatever they need. I like the idea of writing a note to the daughter. Even a simple sympathy note means a lot to people in a time like this.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

First, thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. They mean so much to Matthew and I right now.

The situation is a bit complex. The mother doesn't like us. She's only met me once for about 5 minutes after he moved in. The conversation basically went "Why are you helping him. He is a loser." She then proceeded to tell him that she wasn't going to allow her daughter to see him over here because it was an unsafe environment. He called the cops because he had visitation rights and was told that the mother didn't want the daughter here because we are gay. The police came over and walked around. He told the mother that we seemed like good people and the place was clean and safe. The mother then reluctantly allowed her to come over here. I understand that any mother would be apprehensive towards letting her daughter stay at a place with two strangers though and tried to not let the "gay" comment get me too upset. Anyway, I've never had another opportunity to talk to the mother and she doesn't know anything about either of us. Therefore, it's a bit of an awkward phone call to make. She may take it well or she may start screaming. Don't really know. That's why we thought it might be a good idea to wait a day or two. She may even show up over here.

Really, we just want to let them know that we are available to them with any questions that they might have. We also want to reassure the daughter that she is always welcome to come by and talk if she would like.

As far as his belongings, the coroner told me that there is an investigation because of the fact that it is an "apparent" suicide. We were told to restrict access to his belongings and not handle them until we were contacted. We decided the best thing to do was just close his door until we hear otherwise.

Again, thanks so much for thinking of us. It's been a tough day.

[innerSpaceman]

Lordy, lord lord lord - - I'm about a millionth as boggled and bamboozed as you two must be right now, so I hope you'll understand that I have nothing to give besides internet hugs, and nothing to make of it but flumuxed confusatory babbling.

Wishing you peace and strength and wisdom and love.

[Morrigoon]

Send a card to the daughter, perhaps with a nice letter about what a nice guy her dad was, and how when you met him, he was having a tough time, but seemed like such a nice person that you took him in to your home as a roommate, and what a good roommate he was, etc. Remember: all she's going to hear from her mom are heartbreaking things about what a loser he was. The girl could probably do to hear positive things and feel like somebody out there cared.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

I don't have the address for her or her mom but I'm going to try to get it. Good suggestion. Thanks. :)

[wendybeth]

I have little to add to what has already been expressed here, excepting a big ((((hug)))) to you and Mathew. How very sad, especially for his little girl.

[Isaac]

:eek:
{speechless}


(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[Moonliner]

Kudos to you for showing kindness to a stranger. I can't imagine the pain he must have been feeling but I'm sure some of his last happy moments were with his daughter and you helped make that possible. You should be very proud for what you have done to help.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Much love and hugs to both of you.

[sleepyjeff]

I am so sorry. I have never had to deal with anything like this(knocking on wood) but I imagine it would make one all numb inside......hope you and Matthew are getting thru this ok(((hugs))).

[lindyhop]

Wow, I don't know what to say. But hugs to you both. Stay strong.

[Bornieo: Fully Loaded]

Wow, so tragic. Sorry to hear you both are going through this.
Time will make things better and you both know you have a LoT of support!

[Not Afraid]

First of all.....((((((BIG HUGS)))))) to you both. I love you and wish the smoothest way through this for you.

Secondly, all of the feelings you may be having are completely normal - anger, sadness, frustration, regret. It's just the thing that happens when something like this happens in your life.

Untreated alcoholism is one of the most heartbreaking diseases and usually ends - eventually - in some horribly sad way. I wish he could've gotten treatment, but he chose the "other" way out. It is such a sad, sad thing - especially for those left to care.

Please take care of yourselves and please call if you need to talk. You have a lot of experience, sstrength and hope on this board and we're all here for you.

Much love,

Lisa

[Motorboat Cruiser]

Numb is a pretty appropriate word. We each have had our moments today and they hit you when you least expect. The place feels very empty tonight and more than ever, we just want the end of the month to come so we can start fresh in a new place and try to put this behind us. Perhaps that sounds cold but I don't mean it to. We liked him very much and felt that if he just got a break, he would be able to better himself. We just didn't realize the pain he must have been feeling.

Tomorrow is a new day. I expect we will be contacted in the morning. At that point, I'm going to see if I can get an address so that I can mail a letter to the daughter. I'm not sure how one goes about writing such a letter but I'll give it my best.

All your love and support gives us the strength that we need in the days ahead. You're all so kind and it's appreciated.

[€uroMeinke]

Good heavens how devestating, I can't even imagine what you and Mathew must be going through. You did everything you could do within your power, but there are some things well beyond our control. Cyberhugs to you both, I love you guys. Please call us if you need anything.

[alphabassettgrrl]

Oh, anger is one of the phases of grieving. My dad was a suicide (I hate "committed" suicide- one commits crimes and suicide is many things, including in my opinion, stupid, but not a crime per se) and I was furious. Sad and hurting as well, but furious was one of the phases, absolutely.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I like the suggestion of writing to the daughter. Hopefully her mother can remember good things about him, eventually.

Hang in there. Talk to us when you need to. We're here.

[Mousey Girl]

(((hugs)))

The anger will pass, it just will take time. The sense of loss may remain for a while longer. Since I am still dealing with this myself, I don't know what else to say...

(((hugs)))

[Scrooge McSam]

Big hugs to MBC and Matthew. Words just don't seem to mean much at times like this.

[LSPoorEeyorick]

Oh, Eric. Tom and I are heartsick for you. We've already spoken but I wanted to post my support here as well. Our thoughts are with you as you deal with your shock and grief. We send you all of our wishes for peace of heart, as impossible as the idea of it may seem to you right now. We send our strength. We send our love.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

I had a very nice and lengthy chat with our roommates ex-wife tonight. My apprehension in making the call was dissolved in the first few seconds. She couldn't have been nicer. We tried to answer each others questions the best we could and I think, if nothing else, we both have a little bigger piece of the puzzle than we had earlier.

My biggest concern has been the daughter. She took the news very hard but seems to be holding up ok. Her mom welcomed the idea of us sending a letter to her and it will go out in the mail tomorrow. Mom also said she would bring her over to visit us in the next couple of weeks. It brings a little comfort to know that we can stay in touch with her.

The call was very hard but I'm so happy that it turned out the way it did. I had a good cry afterwards and feel better now. All part of the healing process.

I can't thank you enough for all of the kind words of support.

[Ghoulish Delight]

So glad to hear that! Tragedy can bring the worst or the best out in people. Glad it was the latter in this case ('course, from your end I'm pretty sure the best and the worst are one and the same ;) ).

[Kevy Baby]

My heart goes out to the two of you.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[alphabassettgrrl]

I'm glad your phone call went so well! I'm sure she was glad to hear she's not alone in her grief.

[Gemini Cricket]

I just read this thread. Hang in there, MBC! Know that Ralphie and I are keeping you in our thoughts.

[MouseWife]

I, too, just read your post.

So sorry to hear all of this. Glad to hear the phone call went well.

I can tell you, it is very difficult to know what people will do. I commend you for trying to help him in the first place. For giving him the opportunity to straighten up. So sad that he lost his job but many people do lose their jobs and that isn't the route they take.

We have a family member who when we haven't heard from we really listen closely to the news reports of bodies that have been found. I can't even imagine the feeling you had while reading the paper. Or the past few days.

Many cyber hugs to you. {{hugs}}

[Motorboat Cruiser]

Thanks for the kind words.

Each day gets a little easier. It was a tough week. Today we are going to look at new apartments and are kind of excited by it. Not excited about the move itself but more about the chance for a new start somewhere else. I think we need that right now. This place has too many bad memories associated with it and it's time to move on.

[blueerica]

Same here, I just read this thread now... I'm glad I can't even fathom what you must have been going through this last week... Hugs to both you and Matthew, and hugs for his daughter. What a shock..

/hugs

[Tito's Kitten]

I just read this thread as well. I am so sorry to hear about all that MBC. I am glad that the phone call went well and that she was willing to let you send a letter to that poor little girl. I am sure she will treausre the letter and hopefully remember all the wonderful times she spent with her dad at your place.

[SusieP.]

Wow. I remember reading this in the paper, but what a small world. I am so sorry to hear this story.

I think writing the letter to the daughter is a great idea. Her mom seems to see the benefit in it as well, so that is good. Heck, just the fact that the two of you were kind enough to give the guy a chance gives ME hope for humanity. You guys are awesome.

[Kevy Baby]

This thread has reminded me once again what a wonderful place the LoT is! Rather than a large group of relatively unknown screen names, this is a gathering place of friends whom we can laugh with, disagree with, joke with, and when needed find a genuinely sympathetic group of people who we can all call friends.

It is truly amazing!

[Motorboat Cruiser]

I couldn't agree more.