Some horrible, terrible, foul jokes...

[CoasterMatt]

How are women like stones?
You skip the flat ones

Did ya hear there was gonna be a "Miss Ebonics" pageant?
Unfortunately, they had to cancel it, because nobody wanted to be "Miss Idaho"

[MouseWife]

:D

[Tramspotter]

A priest a lawer and a school teacher are lowering a liferaft on a sinking cruise ship. It seats ten but the lawer is getting impatient he says "Comon get the hell in." The priest says "There is absolutely no need to take the lords name in vain a t a time like this!" The school teacher says "We have room what about the children?" The Lawer says "Fvck the children!"
The priest looks up with a smile and says "Do you think we have time?"

[Gemini Cricket]

What's brown and bleeds?
A wounded doo doo. :D

[Gemini Cricket]

Why don't Southern women like to go to orgies?
Because they hate writing out all those 'Thank You' cards after...

[CoasterMatt]

What do you call a virgin in German?

Goodentight

[CoasterMatt]

Did you hear about the dyslexic cop?
He was giving out IUDs!

[Gemini Cricket]

(I was 'researching' jokes for this thread on the internet and was reminded that there are A LOT of really, really horrible jokes out there that are offensive, demeaning and vile yet funny as hell... None of them I can post here...) :evil:

Q: Why does bin Laden carry a piece of sh!t in his wallet?
A: That's his ID.

[Capt Jack]

whats brown and sticky?

a stick
:rolleyes:

[Ghoulish Delight]

For the Jews:

Why did the sousaphone player insist on a Jewish wedding?
So he could sign a ketuba

For the Star Wars geeks:

What do you wear to keep your shirt clean while eating a fish dinner at Jaba's Palace?
A big for tuna

For the people that want and excuse to lynch me:

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

[scaeagles]

Why did they cancel the leper football game?

There was a handoff at the 50.

Why did they cancel the leper hockey game?

There was a face off at center ice.

Why did they cancel the leper basketball game?

There was a loose ball on the court.

[Gemini Cricket]

Q: What did the deaf and dumb, blind orphan girl with one leg get for Chistmas?
Smallpox

[Capt Jack]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming?
bob

What do you call a man with no arms or legs water skiing?
skip

what do you call a man with no arms or legs laying in a pile of leaves?
russle

what do you call a woman with no arms or legs lying on a BBQ?
patty

I could go on and on......

[Gemini Cricket]

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg?
A: Eileen

[scaeagles]

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?

Irene

[scaeagles]

Why did Michael Jackson go shopping at Mervyn's?

A sign said "Boy's pants 50% off".

[Ghoulish Delight]

Why does Michale Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
Because there are twenty of them.

[scaeagles]

Knock knock
Who's There?
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blue Who?
Michael Jackson

[Motorboat Cruiser]

What do you call a mexican woman with no legs?

Consuelo.

(if you don't get it at first, try sounding it out slowly. This one seems to take people some time. :))

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish?

Yep, he was shot in the temple.

[Gemini Cricket]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
A.D.D. Man.
A.D.D. man who?
I like ice cream.

[scaeagles]

Where did the one legged waitress work?

IHOP

A blonde walks into a bar.
"OUCH!!!!"

[Gemini Cricket]

There were three people in a crashing plane: Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama and a little girl. Bill Gates rose and said, " I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed a pack, and out he jumped. The Dalai Lama and the little girl looked at one another. The Dalai Lama says, "Little girl, I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your whole life ahead of you, you take the last parachute, and I will go down with the plane." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my Dora the Explorer backpack."

[Gemini Cricket]

Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing, 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go,' and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on. What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."

[CoasterMatt]

"Did you hear about that actress who stabbed herself!? It was just on the news! Reese whatshername!"
"Witherspoon!?"
"No, with a knife."

[CoasterMatt]

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup!?"

"I believe that's the backstroke."

[Ghoulish Delight]

"Waiter, there are needles in my soup!"

"Don't worry sir, that's just a typo."

[Gn2Dlnd]

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup!?"



"Quiet! Everyone will want one!" :coffee:

[CoasterMatt]

If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P

[Ghoulish Delight]

A recently divorced man stumbles across a strange looking bottle one afternoon. He picks it up, looks it over, and then pulls a cork out of the top. As soon as he does, the bottle begins to shake and a wisp of blue smoke comes out. Next thing he knows, a genie is floating before him.

"Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you 3 wishes...but there is a catch. Whatever you wish for, your ex wife will receive double."

The man thinks for a moment, then smiles and says, "Okay, genie, you're on. For my first wish, I will ask for 50 million dollars."

The genie makes some motions. "It is done, you now have immense wealth, your ex wife double. Oh, and there's an ATM card in your pocket, you'll have go to the bank to select a pin. Sorry 'bout that, bank rules."

The man thanks the genie, and prepares for his second wish. "I wish for the finest Ferrari ever produced."

The genie closes his eyes, and a gorgeous automobile appears before the man's eyes. "Your wish is granted, double for your ex. Don't forget to register the car, I don't need you pulling a 'Stefan Ericksson' and having it trace back to me. By the way, you must really like your ex to be giving double all this great stuff."

The man just smiles his biggest smile yet. "I'm ready for my third wish."

I wish to be beaten half to death.

[Gemini Cricket]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Not Afraid]

The Pope has Bird Flu!

He got it from one of his cardinals.

[Gemini Cricket]

In retaliation for the Pope getting bird flu, Bush has decided to bomb the Canary Islands and Turkey.
:D

[BunnyTravolta]

Three Jews walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says.....

"What the hell is this, some kind of joke?"

[BunnyTravolta]

Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She kept throwing away all the "W's'"

[BunnyTravolta]

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a virgin?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

[CoasterMatt]

Here's one from Stand Up Saddam...

What do you get when you have 60,000 Iranians buried to their necks in sand?

NOT ENOUGH SAND!

[Gemini Cricket]

10 frat boys enter a pub and decide to find out who has the biggest penis. They all jump on the bar and whip them out and start to compare.
Just then, Elton John enters the bar with George Michael in tow. George looks at Elton and says,
"Ooh, look! It's a buffet!" :evil:

[Scrooge McSam]

10 frat boys enter a pub and decide to find out who has the biggest penis. They all jump on the bar and whip them out and start to compare.

I obviously attended the wrong university.

[Gemini Cricket]

I obviously attended the wrong university.
I failed to mention that this wasn't a joke but my observation last weekend on the town.
:D ;)

[Bornieo: Fully Loaded]

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Kevy Baby]

What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?

Depth perception

[scaeagles]

Why did the golf foursome of Monica Lewinsky, Oj Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton do so poorly at the golf tournament?

Monica's a hooker, OJ's a slicer, Ted can't drive over water, and Bill can never decide which hole to play.

[Name]

What do women and dog poo have in common??

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

[BarTopDancer]

How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

[CoasterMatt]

How are gynecologists and pizza delivery boys alike?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it

What is the difference between a sin and shame?

It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

One more for now...

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied,

"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

:D

[SzczerbiakManiac]

Both of these arrive via Quint on Ain't It Cool news (http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=23757)

A guy is in a bar. He's so drunk he throws up all over himself. He tells the bartender, "What am I doing? When I go home my wife's going to kill me..."

The bartender puts twenty dollars in his shirt pocket and says, "Go home and tell your wife you were in a bar and a guy came up... he was drunk, threw up all over you, but put $20 in your shirt pocket."

He goes home, walks in and his wife says, "Look at you. You threw up all over yourself!"

He goes, "Honey, a guy got drunk and threw up on me and he put $20 in my shirt pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out $40 and says, "What's the other $20 for?"

He says, "He shït in my pants, too!"

_____________________________________


There's a burning building. In the burning building there's a lesbian couple and a gay couple. Who gets out first?The lesbians because the gay guys are too busy packing their shït and the lesbians are outta there lickety-split!

[CoasterMatt]

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.

He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

[CoasterMatt]

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

[Gemini Cricket]

"Andy Dick is so gay that his Chapstick is co-ck flavored."
~ Lisa Lampanelli

:D

I love her.

[CoasterMatt]

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

[CoasterMatt]

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

:D

[Kevy Baby]

If God is a woman, not only am I going to hell; I'll never know why!

[Tramspotter]

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!" :snap: