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View Full Version : It's been months since I've worked on my own writing.


Eliza Hodgkins 1812
04-17-2006, 07:04 PM
This is just a rought draft. It basically has the beginning, middle and end. Ultimately, I'd like it to be a bit longer....


“Buster, will you turn out the lights? I don’t really want you seeing me like this.” She was already reaching for another cigarette.

Her eyes sagged like an old ceiling with a crack in it. For the first time in his life, he wanted to hit a woman.

“I’ve seen you worse, Shelia. The lights stay on. I like to see you when we talk. All the lies that spill out of your filthy mouth are rendered powerless by your face. It lacks bluffing power.”

“Buster, please.” She just wanted to smoke her cigarette in quiet and fall asleep in the dark, maybe never wake up. The way he was looking at her, she could tell he wasn’t going to let this one go.

“I’m actually sitting here thinking I could hit you. How’s that for true love? I so badly want to slam my fist into your face I’m actually holding my own hands, trying to keep them still, to maintain my cool. How is it I can hate you now, after so many years of wanting this thing between us to go on forever?” There was a hitch in his throat and he hated that he was suddenly feeling sorry for them both. He never really understood the distinction between love and pity, and he could already feel the anger slipping. She was so young and he’d been lucky to have her. Everyone said so.

She could see the anger leaving his body as quickly as it had come. His back was starting to bend. He was unclasping his hands. His eyes were now fixated upon her knee, a definite sign of arousal. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and thought the cigarette made her look old and vulgar. She put it out. “It won’t happen again. I promise.”

“Liar, liar.” His hand reached out to cup the back of her left leg, his thumb lightly caressing a deep bruise below her knee cap. He pressed down hard. Her eyes squinted in pain but remained dry. She asked him to kiss her.

“Never again.” His hand moved to the lower part of her thigh. She was wearing her favorite skirt.

“Don’t say that.” His hand was moving steadily upwards, but his body was leaning back, trying to escape.

He could feel the cotton lining and the rough curls beneath. “Never again.”

She was beginning to cry. This was unkindness dressed up as love. He really wasn’t going to kiss her again and she knew it.

“Buster.”

He removed his hand and was out the door. His footsteps were a hailstorm on the wooden staircase. She moved to the window and watched him start the car. When he rounded the corner, she put out the light. She lay on the bed but could not fall asleep. The bruise on her leg was still throbbing and she thought, Please God, never let it stop.

LSPoorEeyorick
04-17-2006, 08:32 PM
So glad to see you're working on your own stuff again. It's a blessing to write for a living, but don't let it keep you from attending your own font of plenty.

More.

€uroMeinke
04-17-2006, 08:50 PM
Yes - more please, I too am glad you are still taking some time to do this.

For the story above the moody darkness is creepy yet creates a sort of sinister eroticism. I want to know more about how they got there, the point where their relationship turned, or they came to their understanding. Despite it's implied ending, my sense is this is a cycle that has played out before.

Gemini Cricket
04-18-2006, 07:03 AM
This was unkindness dressed up as love. He really wasn’t going to kiss her again and she knew it.
Nice. Love it. More more more.
:)

Ghoulish Delight
04-18-2006, 08:06 AM
Very evocative, love it!

Snowflake
04-18-2006, 08:34 AM
More, please!:snap:

wendybeth
04-18-2006, 03:44 PM
Yes - more please, I too am glad you are still taking some time to do this.

For the story above the moody darkness is creepy yet creates a sort of sinister eroticism. I want to know more about how they got there, the point where their relationship turned, or they came to their understanding. Despite it's implied ending, my sense is this is a cycle that has played out before.

Exactly what he said.



(Didn't want to be redundant).

Keep on writing, m'dear!:snap:

CoasterMatt
04-18-2006, 04:52 PM
Wonderful - I wish I could work the words the way you do :)

Capt Jack
04-18-2006, 05:00 PM
thats just...gripping. in a sense of 'yeah, Ive been there...and it sucked'.

conjured a few lost memories in fact. I really must insist you continue.

Cadaverous Pallor
04-18-2006, 07:28 PM
Beautiful in its ugliness. :snap:

Bornieo: Fully Loaded
04-18-2006, 11:58 PM
Enjoyable. Wonderful dialogue. I'm interested to see what would happen if you revisit some of the "action" or movment of the characters. "...reached out..." seems to stand out.
His hand reached out to cup the back of her left leg, his thumb lightly caressing a deep bruise below her knee cap. He pressed down hard. Her eyes squinted in pain but remained dry. She asked him to kiss her.

And not to be picky, but there's much use of Him, he, her in this area. :)

Just my humble opinion. Moving on...

lizziebith
04-19-2006, 10:35 AM
Oooh, so rich and reverberant! Wonderful work! :snap:

Tramspotter
04-19-2006, 02:27 PM
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y270/TTallant/39.jpg

blueerica
04-19-2006, 07:28 PM
Good stuff!

I think we're all maybe starting to want to stretch our writing muscles again. I've been feeling a bit inspired. This seems to be encouraging it.

<3 E

Cadaverous Pallor
04-20-2006, 10:01 AM
Good stuff!

I think we're all maybe starting to want to stretch our writing muscles again. I've been feeling a bit inspired. This seems to be encouraging it.

<3 EYes! We need to encourage each other. I've been in a writing funk for long enough.

Boss Radio
04-25-2006, 12:05 AM
Nice work.
You kind of scare me.
In a good way.