Bornieo: Fully Loaded
08-24-2006, 04:06 AM
Ninety Percent Water
I went to the beach to get some answers.
The walk across the sand was challenging as each step I sunk deeper and deeper, struggling to make my way to the edge of the world. Over the rim I saw the blue murky waters that swayed off into the horizon to where I couldn’t see. The smell was there as I had remembered before. The salt scent was all around
The sea had made itself upon the shoreline in frequent intervals and I moved closer to see what I could see. White caps from yards out made their way gracefully to a rushed crescendo and then delicately rolled to the tips of my feet, but never touching. The water receded and heartbeats later it return, now stopping further way from the tips of my feet so I advanced a small step. The heartbeat and the water returned, again, to my surprise ceases another inch from the tip of my feet. So, in the recess of the water, I took a full step forward and a beat and, to my wonder, the water again, stops some inch or two from the tip of my toes and I instantly a thought came into my head that the ocean just didn’t want me. The ocean is such a beautiful, vast body. It is relished in verse, in poem and in pictures. Hands were held, promises made and words were spoken in the presence of the great, all powerful ocean and for a tiny fraction of a desire, it wouldn’t touch me. It rejected me and called me invisible.
As I look towards the distant horizon, the hurt poured out from my eyes and the rejection of the mass ran its course thru every nerve I have. I turned with my head posed toward the sand, and with hands in my pockets, I moved towards the dry sands while the mad licking of the ocean followed, pushing me away from it; rejecting me, my questions, my goals, my desires, feeling, hopes and dreams. I was a fool to its eye, a looser, reject, with nothing to offer and it crushed my fragile heart with it’s unyielding sentence.
On a dune, I looked again towards the horizon and in a measure a small black object caught my diluted eyes. A head bobbing with the waves, yards out to sea; angled toward me and the shore. Without doubt or hesitation our eyes met and the tiny baby Seal judged me. Meter after measure, it starred at me without expression; just the gyration of the tide. It’s gaze said many things to me, as if to answer my questions for the mass of water that would not whisper to me.
“YOu shouldn’t be here” It said. “Why are you here when you have nothing to offer. Don’t you know you don’t belong. Don’t you know there is no answer. Only the truth, which you must accept and go on as you’ve done before. There is no change, there is no hope. Why are you to bother asking. You can’t have. You don’t deserve.”
”Deserve?” I asked it aloud a heartbeat after. The black form bobbed around for a beat or so, then recessed back into the churning water never answering a thing more.
As I turned and found my footsteps in the sand, I traced my way back to solid ground. Behind me the crashing waves grew and the white caps leaped and jumped in celebration. The struggle to move thru the sand became harder with each step and each crash of the caps and the beat of a cleft heart. One step, one crash and a beat, each stronger, harder and louder than the next. The sand moves beneath my feet, the beat thumps in my chest and the waves crash with a thunderous clap.
Sitting in silence, I watched the ocean continue it cycle from the drivers seat of my car and I reflected on what this all meant and what I learned.
Nothing at all.
I went to the beach to get some answers.
The walk across the sand was challenging as each step I sunk deeper and deeper, struggling to make my way to the edge of the world. Over the rim I saw the blue murky waters that swayed off into the horizon to where I couldn’t see. The smell was there as I had remembered before. The salt scent was all around
The sea had made itself upon the shoreline in frequent intervals and I moved closer to see what I could see. White caps from yards out made their way gracefully to a rushed crescendo and then delicately rolled to the tips of my feet, but never touching. The water receded and heartbeats later it return, now stopping further way from the tips of my feet so I advanced a small step. The heartbeat and the water returned, again, to my surprise ceases another inch from the tip of my feet. So, in the recess of the water, I took a full step forward and a beat and, to my wonder, the water again, stops some inch or two from the tip of my toes and I instantly a thought came into my head that the ocean just didn’t want me. The ocean is such a beautiful, vast body. It is relished in verse, in poem and in pictures. Hands were held, promises made and words were spoken in the presence of the great, all powerful ocean and for a tiny fraction of a desire, it wouldn’t touch me. It rejected me and called me invisible.
As I look towards the distant horizon, the hurt poured out from my eyes and the rejection of the mass ran its course thru every nerve I have. I turned with my head posed toward the sand, and with hands in my pockets, I moved towards the dry sands while the mad licking of the ocean followed, pushing me away from it; rejecting me, my questions, my goals, my desires, feeling, hopes and dreams. I was a fool to its eye, a looser, reject, with nothing to offer and it crushed my fragile heart with it’s unyielding sentence.
On a dune, I looked again towards the horizon and in a measure a small black object caught my diluted eyes. A head bobbing with the waves, yards out to sea; angled toward me and the shore. Without doubt or hesitation our eyes met and the tiny baby Seal judged me. Meter after measure, it starred at me without expression; just the gyration of the tide. It’s gaze said many things to me, as if to answer my questions for the mass of water that would not whisper to me.
“YOu shouldn’t be here” It said. “Why are you here when you have nothing to offer. Don’t you know you don’t belong. Don’t you know there is no answer. Only the truth, which you must accept and go on as you’ve done before. There is no change, there is no hope. Why are you to bother asking. You can’t have. You don’t deserve.”
”Deserve?” I asked it aloud a heartbeat after. The black form bobbed around for a beat or so, then recessed back into the churning water never answering a thing more.
As I turned and found my footsteps in the sand, I traced my way back to solid ground. Behind me the crashing waves grew and the white caps leaped and jumped in celebration. The struggle to move thru the sand became harder with each step and each crash of the caps and the beat of a cleft heart. One step, one crash and a beat, each stronger, harder and louder than the next. The sand moves beneath my feet, the beat thumps in my chest and the waves crash with a thunderous clap.
Sitting in silence, I watched the ocean continue it cycle from the drivers seat of my car and I reflected on what this all meant and what I learned.
Nothing at all.