Cadaverous Pallor
03-28-2007, 07:49 PM
I wrote this some months ago. I just found it while cleaning up my desktop.
---
I knew he was playing
my first instinct was avoidance
the full awareness my own trepidation towards
loving him
hurt me deeply.
And when I did hear that sound
12 string I know perfectly
something older in me, the me that was there when it was all adoration
the older me moved its solid weight
and my later dissatisfaction
overrun by the need to enter that room.
Air heavy with cigarette smoke
chords strong and warm
I sat on the bed
Dad's voice unashamed and sweet
flowed strong to match the guitar
though it was 2am and I wondered what the neighbors thought
He saw me and he gave me that smile, that real smile
The smile said "you came" and "I remember"
and "I'm relieved you still love me"
though he played all "new" songs
the memories were more overwhelming than the smoke
saw the guitar case and flashed to being a child small enough
to sit inside
and smell the newness of it
now well over 20 years old
nearly an out of body experience
existing both as a child and adult remembering the child
every time Dad played, Mom drifted away
her memories were of harder times
before my brain developed long term storage
when Dad stayed home and got high and strummed endlessly
when he wasn't working on his bike
though she's told me of this
my own memories dominate the info
Hell, I'd say my memories of my father playing guitar when I was very young are the best memories I have of childhood.
I didn't say much, just said I liked the songs
but the flashbacks showed me once more
that I'll never do what he did
and push loved ones away
the memories would never forgive me.
---
I knew he was playing
my first instinct was avoidance
the full awareness my own trepidation towards
loving him
hurt me deeply.
And when I did hear that sound
12 string I know perfectly
something older in me, the me that was there when it was all adoration
the older me moved its solid weight
and my later dissatisfaction
overrun by the need to enter that room.
Air heavy with cigarette smoke
chords strong and warm
I sat on the bed
Dad's voice unashamed and sweet
flowed strong to match the guitar
though it was 2am and I wondered what the neighbors thought
He saw me and he gave me that smile, that real smile
The smile said "you came" and "I remember"
and "I'm relieved you still love me"
though he played all "new" songs
the memories were more overwhelming than the smoke
saw the guitar case and flashed to being a child small enough
to sit inside
and smell the newness of it
now well over 20 years old
nearly an out of body experience
existing both as a child and adult remembering the child
every time Dad played, Mom drifted away
her memories were of harder times
before my brain developed long term storage
when Dad stayed home and got high and strummed endlessly
when he wasn't working on his bike
though she's told me of this
my own memories dominate the info
Hell, I'd say my memories of my father playing guitar when I was very young are the best memories I have of childhood.
I didn't say much, just said I liked the songs
but the flashbacks showed me once more
that I'll never do what he did
and push loved ones away
the memories would never forgive me.