The unexamined life

[scaeagles]

.....is not worth living. Or so said Socrates.

I have just come from a funeral (of the surgeon who performed my first surgery in April 2005, and died this past Saturday). While I realize funerals are to focus on and remember the good in the life of the deceased, I am amazed and feeling completely underwhelmed with my existance at present. I would have expected to know some of these things, as my my wife taught of three of his children when they were in the 6th grade, but I knew none of them, as he was a very humble man who wasn't interested personal accolades.

He led medical and charitable trips to Bolivia twice a year for the last 10 years (prior to the onset of his illness), often at great personal expense. He spent 4 days a month volunteering at an inner city clinic. Those are just the major things....I won't go into the minutia of his charitable actions.

This has led to to the realization that I suck.

I don't have the medical or surgical skills he did, and I don't have the resources to fund trips overseas. But I sure as hell have more that I can give of myself, even to my family.

I could go into all the things I should do and can do, but that list would be too long.

I hope the post funeral emotions don't subside. I don't want to suck.

[wendybeth]

I'm going to start volunteering with Tori this summer, probably at a women's shelter. I agree- I want to do more than just donate money to causes, and I want Tori to want to do the same.

[€uroMeinke]

As much as mortality sucks - and I've been thinking about this a lot lately what with the recent illness of my mom, Dexter and deaths of friends and family - it still is something that forces us to make our lives meaningful. We seldom get chances to revisit past decisions, so we have to make sure the one's we make count. The blessing is the present still can be a blank slate and you take your life in a completely new direction at any moment. Carpe Diem - make yourself proud.

[Strangler Lewis]

One Father's Day years ago, I got my dad a wall plaque with the following:

Success
Bessie Anderson Stanley (1904)

"He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;

who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children;

who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;

who has left the world better than he found it whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem or a rescued soul;

who has never lacked appreciation of Earth's beauty or failed to express it;

who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had;

whose life was an inspiration;
whose memory a benediction."

We all suck. Your surgeon friend probably thought he sucked in ways that were not apparent to you. If he didn't, then his life was not worth living.

[Not Afraid]

As long as you are doing the things that you feel make "the world a better place" then you don't suck. Now, if you're sucking the life out of all your friends, family and co-workers....well, you suck.

I don't do a lot of "BIG" things. And, the things I DO do, someone else may not find important (think cats, leo), but you can't be everything to everybody. You have to be happy with yourself first.

[Not Afraid]

Here's a timely story......sort of (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/05/24/BAGI7Q0JAB1.DTL).

[blueerica]

I know I don't know you that well, sca, but I do remember you saying that you've coached basketball. Coaches have the opportunity to impact their community directly and regularly at the local level. What these boys learn from you will carry them through their lifetimes, much like what they learn from their parents and family members. That's incredibly powerful.

I've thought about my own life and have wondered what I can do "more." I just have to realize that I can only do what I do when I can do it - whether it's comforting a co-worker, helping friends or family, donating my time at a soup kitchen, planting trees, cleaning up parks, etc. I've done it all - not regularly, but every little thing we do, every moment we spend in our lives is a chance to make a positive impact - something I try to not take for granted (even though I do.)

[AllyOops!]

First of all, you DON'T suck. You post amongst good people, correct? :) O.J. sucks. Manson sucks. Scaeagles does NOT.

While your surgeon friend that passed away sounds like a remarkable & wonderful man, I'm sure that he, too, went through his period of doubts. Every person does. And consider this- if the world was filled with only surgeons, and that was our only job, how would the world even continue to operate? We ALL serve a purpose. We all have roles to fullfill & tasks to do that have a meaningful place in this world.

The girl at the tanning salon, the girl who operates the register at my favorite clothing boutiques, the good people of T Mobile. Maybe the jobs that they have don't sound very exciting or glamourous, but they sure add meaning to my life. I need 'em! ;) And those are just the little fun things in life! We all need each other for something.

Volunteer work is always good for the Soul.

The anniversary of my late best friend's death will be on Monday. It will be 5 years! My late boyfriend died shortly after, followed by another friend the very next week. My Mom was suffering from a deadly form a cancer (THANK GOD she beat it!). During that time, I was inconsolable. Lost. I found myself wondering why I was allowed to continue living here on earth. What was my plan? My late best friend & late boyfriend had so much to offer the world! Talent, brains, beauty, the whole package. I certainly didn't have those things! Why am I here? Then, as my grief enveloped me, I found myself "feeling left out" that I had been left behind. If everybody I love got to die & go to Heaven, why not me? Why couldn't I join? That was when I knew that I needed help. However, I continued to bottle up my feelings (because, you know, I considered that "strong" at the time) years down the line as more deaths occured, self medicating & numbing myself to any & all feelings. I'm really pleased to say now that I no longer feel that way, nor do I recklessy numb myself anymore, and I love living my life & am grateful to be here each & every day! My faith is what keeps me alive. :)

Having said that, I DO always think that I suck. :( I'm a perfectionist & I'm hyper critical of myself. In my mind, I am never good enough. I can do much better. That drive pushes me, but it also defeats me at times and drains me of my energy.

Okay, I'm done pontificating. Hang in there! :)

[Cadaverous Pallor]

What Blueerica said about coaching. Definitely. I used to work with kids and I found that very rewarding. My current job involves helping my community in a small way, but it's enough that I feel involved in people's lives.

You most certainly do not suck...at least, you suck as much as any of us do, if not less. :)

[Ghoulish Delight]

You most certainly do not suck...That's not what I've heard...

I don't spend much time pondering my legacy or impact. I just try to work hard, do the best with the opportunities I'm presented with, and be a positive person in the lives of the people I know. I know I'm not cut out to be a great humanitarian or crusader for anything. I appreciate and admire those that are, but they certainly don't need (nor would the particularly want) my help. I prefer to exist in the small scale.

[Gemini Cricket]

You suck. Uh, according to who?
I bet if you asked the kids and your wife and those kids you coach, I think you maybe surprised to know how much of an impact you have on their lives.
You can not compare your life with the accomplishments of others. You've accomplished lots. I'm sure if you think on it hard enough you'll see it for yourself.
Don't feel too bad for too long. If you have a dusty old goal that you've been putting off, why don't you work at it asap? Just a thought.

[MouseWife]

I have to agree with the above statement about your wife and kids; to think you suck at your life is actually a bit demeaning to them, don't you think? You are so important to them, to say what you've done with/for them makes you feel 'sucky' is totally coming from a down place for you. As said, we all feel this way at one time or another but what you do have, it is what it is. And that ain't sucky.

We all do impact others every day, good or bad.

Now, you do have the power to change things. First off, take care of your home. Do you feel you don't spend enough time with your kids? Change that! Do you feel that you and your wife don't get enough alone time? Fix that, too!

After you get your home in order, well, yes, there are a lot of ways you can volunteer, become involved. I would think this would also be a great experience for your family.

As it has been said, you can't compare yourself to others. Just decide what it is you want from yourself.

I wish you the best because I know this must be a hard time. My post, I didn't mean to make light of your plight if I did.

[Snowflake]

What GC said, you certainly don't suck. Not everyone can do "big things" a life well lived is one where you leave it and the world better than when you arrived and have done at least one good thing. I'm sure if you asked those close to you and the kids you coach, you make a huge difference in all their lives.

Like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, very few of us know the impact we have on others lives. If you could have a day to see what the lives around you would be like if you were not here, doing what you do, you'd see most assuredly, you do not suck, Leo.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

All this talk of sucking, as if it is a bad thing.

[scaeagles]

Well, I appreciate the anti-suckage comments....I wasn't really meaning to imply that I think I'm a horrible person, as I don't. I was just taking a look at what I do, what I don't do, what I should do, and realizing I fall far short of the person I should be.

I've never been much of a legacy person, but there was something about that funeral last night. I suppose I have been fortunate not having anyone near to me die since I have had children, as this is the first funeral I've been to in over 13 years. With the inevitable contemplation of ones own demise that a funeral brings about, have I raised the best kids I could have to this point? Have I taught them the things that are most important to me and to them?

I realize not everyone can be a humanitarian, and it isn't in me. I also realize that I make an impact in the lives of kids I coach (going to another wedding of a former player tomorrow). I don't wonder if I'll be remembered as a great man, and I don't really care about that. I just wonder mostly about my kids and if they'd be.....ready isn't the right word. I don't even know what the right word is. I don't want kudos for a life well lived, I just want to make sure I've lived it.

[CoasterMatt]

I don't want kudos for a life well lived, I just want to make sure I've lived it.

You've just got to live it then.

[wendybeth]

It really all boils down to your definition of a life well lived. I could give a crap what other's think about me when I'm gone so I don't think I've ever worried about a legacy or such nonsense, but I do want to make a difference in people's lives in a positive way. I think if you are lucky enough to be blessed with family, friends and physical/financial health, then maybe it is only right to pay it forward. I guess my definition would be that I don't just take without giving back, and I hope I impart that lesson to my kid.

[blueerica]

My grandfather was a quiet man. Hardworking and did right by his family 100% of the time. I gave the eulogy at his funeral. Of all the amazing things I knew about him (he saved my life and helped me to become the person I am today, which I think is a pretty good person), I had no idea the impact he'd had on the lives of others until his funeral. We expected around 100, maybe a few more to attend. When all was said and done, as I took the podium, I realized that there had to be at least 300 people there, perhaps more. The church had people standing outside who couldn't get in.

Some had traveled across town, some across the state. Many even came from out of state. Once I realized that I knew so few of the people there (relatively), I decided to open up the floor for them to talk about my grandpa - and the stories I heard fill my heart and my memory of him today. People came that knew him from during the Korean war. They told stories of advice he'd given them, and one man - who went by the name of Curly - told a story about how my grandpa saved his life.

Throughout his life, these small acts of kindness left a big imprint with these people. If we can hope to do anything in this lifetime, it's to leave that sort of thing behind. My grandfather didn't need the glory in his lifetime, but on the day we put him in the ground will stand out in my mind for the rest of my life. I realized then that he was the kind of person I wanted to be, that I would never know the depth of impact he had on those that were no longer around to tell the story, and that we all have that chance in our lifetimes, whether we're helping the lady next door, the kid crossing the street - or if you're in Zambia, like my friend Will who will no doubt leave a legacy behind for the people he'd helped over there, even if they'd never make it to America to tell us the story.

On another note - its good to examine our lives, but not too much. Spending too much time looking back doesn't allow us to be in the present, nor does it help us to move into the future. (Now it's time for a trite phrase...) "All things in moderation."