Virtual Scapegoat

[lizziebith]

Pack your sins upon the hapless ungulate and banish them into the virtual desert...

I'll start: I once prepared dinner for my siblings, and then (because we were really poor) informed them that they were probably eating their last meal. I was 13.

[wendybeth]

We just write about how rotten we are, or have been?

[lizziebith]

Yes, like a confession. :cool:

[wendybeth]

Okay! When I was 14, my brother was trying to blackmail me, and I couldn't afford to get grounded. (I had a hot date). He picked up the telephone to call my mom, and I just saw red. I grabbed a butcher knife and winged it at him- it embedded in the wall and cut the phone cord in half. My mom locked all the sharp knives in the trunk of her car for some time after that. I was grounded for the whole summer.:rolleyes:

On the plus side, he never tried to blackmail after that.

[MickeyD]

Last week a coworker and I took a $20 out of petty cash in case we needed it for parking. We didn't, so we spent it on vodka tonics and whisky & cokes.

[Prudence]

We used to have these built-in toy chests in the basement at my parents' house. I regularly talked my brother into climbing into one of them, then I'd close the lid and sit on it. He fell for it over and over again. My very own Lucy and the football moment.

[lizziebith]

There ya go! And since we're on a roll:

I, at age 5, HID my blankie, threw a dramatic fit -- making EVERYONE look for it -- and then proudly "found" it again later. Man I should burn.

[Tref]

Okay! When I was 14, my brother was trying to blackmail me, and I couldn't afford to get grounded. (I had a hot date). He picked up the telephone to call my mom, and I just saw red. I grabbed a butcher knife and winged it at him- it embedded in the wall and cut the phone cord in half. My mom locked all the sharp knives in the trunk of her car for some time after that. I was grounded for the whole summer.:rolleyes:

On the plus side, he never tried to blackmail after that.

Whoa!

[€uroMeinke]

On my first day at Headquarters for an electric company, I managed to cause a blackout of the entire building. They never figured out what happend, and I've told only one other person.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

When I was about 13, I was playing drums in a band that accompanies the school choir. I fell in love with the sound of a particular cymbal that belonged to the school. I would use the cymbal during rehearsals and performances and then return it to a supply room. On the last day of the year, we played a concert somewhere, I forget where, and at the end of the show, my mom came to pick me and my drums up at the venue. I proceeded to leave the cymbal on my stand and bring it home with me. It is the only thing I have ever stolen in my life.

A few years ago, I donated a bunch of my old equipment to a local school. My hope is that it somehow repaired some of the bad karma from a very bad decision I made when I was young.

[wendybeth]

Whoa!

Perhaps I should elaborate.

My family is comprised of four boys, three girls. My brothers were spoiled absolutely rotten- they could do anything they wanted, whenever they wanted. Us girls, on the other hand, were expected to cook, clean and take care of the boys. Whenever the boys would get caught doing things like stealing bikes or taking drugs, they would deflect attention off themselves by making up crap about us girls. Worked every time. I had just come off an unfair grounding caused by another brother when this incident ocurred. My brother was laughing as he dialed the phone, saying I was toast because mom would believe him, and she would have. To this day he admits he had it coming. I am glad the knife didn't strike him, though. I would still be grounded!;)

€uro- that's hilarious! How did you do it?

[mhrc4]

Perhaps I should elaborate.

My family is comprised of four boys, three girls. My brothers were spoiled absolutely rotten- they could do anything they wanted, whenever they wanted. Us girls, on the other hand, were expected to cook, clean and take care of the boys. Whenever the boys would get caught doing things like stealing bikes or taking drugs, they would deflect attention off themselves by making up crap about us girls. Worked every time. I had just come off an unfair grounding caused by another brother when this incident ocurred. My brother was laughing as he dialed the phone, saying I was toast because mom would believe him, and she would have. To this day he admits he had it coming. I am glad the knife didn't strike him, though. I would still be grounded!;)

€uro- that's hilarious! How did you do it?

*note to self, do not blackmail wendybeth......


:cheers:

[wendybeth]

*note to self, do not blackmail wendybeth......


:cheers:


I'm much better now.


:D

[Ghoulish Delight]

I'm much better now.


:D*note to self, blackmail wendybeth.

[wendybeth]

I menat that I have a much better aim.:evil:

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Ever read A Confederacy of Dunces? During his time as a file clerk, Ignatius J. Reilly is responsible for filing all of the receipts and inventory for the company he works for. His filing system? The garbage can.

For about the last year of my job in NYC, that was my filing system, too.

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Perhaps I should elaborate.
My family is comprised of four boys, three girls. My brothers were spoiled absolutely rotten- they could do anything they wanted, whenever they wanted.

My brother broke the antenna off of his TV and brandished it at me like an autistic child having an epileptic swashbuckling fit.

And then he threw his trashcan at me.

Sibling love!

[UvaGirl]

Last night was supposed to be one of my alcohol-free evenings. I had 2 glasses of red wine.

[dsnylndmom]

When we were younger I used to beat the crap out of my brother and then cry and get him in trouble. While he was getting yelled at I'd stand behind my mom and flip him off, therefore causing him to scream and pitch a fit and end up being sent to his room :evil:

[Gemini Cricket]

I stole a bag of poi when I was two.

[Ghoulish Delight]

And then he threw his trashcan at me.
Filing cabinet.

I ran into and damaged the garage door track at a townhome my family was living in while our house was being repaired after the Northridge quake. Pulling into the garage I side swiped it. So I backed out, parked on the street. I tried to close the garage door and it got stuck, which turned out to be a good thing. I just said that when I got home (no one else was home when this happened) and tried to open the door, it got stuck and I noticed the track was bent.

[wendybeth]

My brother broke the antenna off of his TV and brandished it at me like an autistic child having an epileptic swashbuckling fit.

And then he threw his trashcan at me.

Sibling love!

Lol!!!

Our family life was very animated. We all have big, loud personalities, and we all vied for attention. My mom mostly hid in her room.

One time, my horrible older brother (I like him better now, but at the time he was a real jerk) fell off the roof of the church across the street from our house. He broke his leg, and didn't want mom to know how he did it, so he made up a big story that I was supposed to corroborate. I immediately told her what really happened, of course. It was weeks before he could kick my ass. Oh, and when he fell off the roof, I had to get a blanket and drag him home on it, because he couldn't walk. I made sure to hit every bump along the way.:D

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Filing cabinet.


I *heart* you.

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Lol!!!

Our family life was very animated. We all have big, loud personalities, and we all vied for attention. My mom mostly hid in her room.

One time, my horrible older brother (I like him better now, but at the time he was a real jerk) fell off the roof of the church across the street from our house. He broke his leg, and didn't want mom to know how he did it, so he made up a big story that I was supposed to corroborate. I immediately told her what really happened, of course. It was weeks before he could kick my ass. Oh, and when he fell off the roof, I had to get a blanket and drag him home on it, because he couldn't walk. I made sure to hit every bump along the way.:D

Is your last name, by any chance, Sedaris?

[jdramj]

When I was about 10 years old, I thought I could drive my Mom's fire engine red Datsun z??? (her true baby and also a stick shift). I turned the key, released the brake, popped it into gear and it jumped forward and hit my Dad's tool chest. I quickly set the brake and got the key out of the ignition. I ran into the house and put the key back exactly as I had found it. I was an only child...amazingingly enough, I was never questioned or punished.

[wendybeth]

Is your last name, by any chance, Sedaris?

Lol!!! Oh, I am so giving you all the Reader's Digest versions, too. If I told some of the really good stuff, you'd shun me for sure. I have a sis-in-law who just has to be the model for Amy Sedaris's (that is her name, right?) character in Strangers With Candy. It was her sister that got nailed by the serial killer.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Once I was brushing my teeth with my younger brother. He must've been 4 or 5, which makes me 8 or 9. I was swishing water in my mouth when I suddenly felt this irrisistible urge.

I spit the toothpastey water all over my brother's shirt. His shirt said "Born to Boogie" on it, I'll never forget it. He burst into tears. I was majorly busted, but I didn't feel contrite at all - it was worth it. :evil: You just never get to do that!

---

One Hanukkah I brought home some song sheets from Hebrew school with some new songs. Our family always sings a bunch of songs during candlelighting. My dad was very pleased with the new additions and added them to the list. They were copied and stapled onto the old sheets. There were no music notes, just the lyrics. They are relatively well known Hanukkah songs that most Jews know.

What I could never tell my Dad is that he sang one of the lines out of tune. Dad is a trained singer. :eek: He just hadn't heard the song in a long time. I knew the proper way to sing it since I'd sung it in school, of course. It drove me mad.

I think it was after 2 Hanukkahs that I finally cracked. At some other time in the year, I dug out all the song sheets at my Grandmother's house. There must've been something like 40 copies. I tore off the offending songs from each set (I knew all the songs I'd brought home had to be erased in order for this to be clean) and dumped crumpled them into the trash. All of this while the adults were socializing in the other room. I was never questioned on the stuffed trashcan in my Grandmother's den.

The punchline is that it didn't make much difference. I could never have pulled off this maneuver at home. We had our own set of sheets for our family. If they disappeared, one of us kids would have to be the culprit. So we continued to sing it at home.

Add to that that we had stopped having large family Hanukkah parties, so I didn't have to endure it there anyway. I think there was one year where we got all together and there was a moment of "I thought we had copies of that for everyone?" Of course they sang it anyway, or at least my Dad did, with everyone else attempting to remember the lyrics.

He still sings it wrong. I don't cringe as much as I used to, but I still hate it. :p

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Lol!!! Oh, I am so giving you all the Reader's Digest versions, too. If I told some of the really good stuff, you'd shun me for sure. I have a sis-in-law who just has to be the model for Amy Sedaris's (that is her name, right?) character in Strangers With Candy. It was her sister that got nailed by the serial killer.

Yup, that's the one. Amy Sedaris.

You're cracking me the frig up.

[€uroMeinke]

€uro- that's hilarious! How did you do it?

I was putting away an electric forklift thing for recharging and somehow mixed up the polarities. There was a flash - and then darkness. I think I also fried the forklift, it was scrapped when we moved.

[wendybeth]

Yup, that's the one. Amy Sedaris.

You're cracking me the frig up.

Lol- now that I think about it, I have two sister-in-law's and an ex SIL that fit nicely into this category.

Okay, another one:

When I was thirteen, my six foot tall, somewhat troubled best friend stopped by my house one night. "Hey, they're gonna throw me in juvie- want to go to Alaska with me?" Being an accomodating sort, I said "Sure!" and off we went. The next day we were busted hitchhiking on the interstate to Seattle, just after we'd smoked a joint with a trucker. We wound up in jail in Ellensburg, Wa, where a kindly jailer gave us his sad little lunch of PB& J sandwiches and graham crackers. We tossed them in the hall, festooned the cell with toilet paper bows, and had a jolly time. Meanwhile, they'd called our parents, who stood at the end of this very long , narrow hall watching us mop up our mess before we could be released.

I was grounded a very long time for that one.

I probably shouldn't post this, but what the hell.

[Tref]

Ever read A Confederacy of Dunces? During his time as a file clerk, Ignatius J. Reilly is responsible for filing all of the receipts and inventory for the company he works for. His filing system? The garbage can.

For about the last year of my job in NYC, that was my filing system, too.

Haha!

I have a similar story. I was brought in for a weeks work at some trucking company. To this day I am not sure what they did there. Hauling stuff, most likely. I could hear CB radio talk going on all day long. But it was a nice, easy week. It was strange, as I had nothing to do. No work. They set me up at a desk and barely talked to me again. So, I got to thinking, could I possibly extend this great job? So, even though my week had ended, I showed up the following Monday and returned to my desk. At the end of the week I brought my card in to be signed and it was. A few days later I received a cheque in the mail. I showed up again the following Monday. And so on, and so on. Occasionally I would be asked to run some errand, but otherwise, I was left alone. I remained at the job for three or four months, maybe longer.

I began to arrive at work early so as not be noticed and I would prepare a small breakfast in their kitchen. Usually aboutt the time I was settled in my desk, with my food and radio beside me and I would hear my co-workers begin to file in. Then I would put two imposing stacks of folders on my desk. As the day progressed I would move these folders one by one behind me creating a new stack. This new stack would presumably be called, The Finished Pile, if I had ever been challenged, but I never was. I did this everyday.

Then Christmas came. The place was decorated up with bunting and there was a nice tree, etc. Everybody was jolly. One morning I got to my desk and there was a sealed letter waiting for me. OK, I, figured, the jig was up. I had been caught. But instead, it was an invitation to the Christmas party! Later, that same afternoon, I was sitting in my office eating lunch when there was a knock on my door (I took to closing my office door so nobody would be inclined to step in and ask a lot of questions. One more thing, my so called office was only a file storage room with a desk, phone, but no computer. It also had a nice view of these giant salt mountains at the edge of the bay. But I digress ...)

Anyway, so, there is a knock on my door. It was the owner of the company. I had met him only once on my first day during brief orientation. He looked in, smiled and said, "Hey, you coming to the Christmas party?"

"I sure am," I said. I grinned real big.

"Great," he replied and shut the door.

I sighed with relief.

Then the door opened again. It was the owner. This time he look confused. "Who are you?" He said.

I told the truth. "I was brought in to do some filing."

"Last summer?" He asked. "Hmmph." And then he was gone.

It was over. The axe was dropped about forty five seconds later. I was all ready gathering my things together when I got the call. I still remember those days salt mountain quite fondly.

Its a true story, for what's its worth ...

[wendybeth]

So, Bartleby- did you go to the party?;)

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

So, Bartleby- did you go to the party?;)

Great nickname! Ah, Bartleby.

[Ghoulish Delight]

Great nickname! Ah, Bartleby.It doesn't sound like Tref was doing much scribbening at that job, though.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

I have to admit I'm pretty shocked, reading some of these. :eek: I thought I was a slacker!

[€uroMeinke]

My school years taught me that what’s real doesn’t matter so much as what the records say are real. So hear are a few examples of that learning – made more amusing if you know my current profession:

In high school, each semester’s PE class was divided into 3 sections. During each section, you select your next PE class. To manage the process, they gave us the cards they use to track attendance and grade, handing them out to us to then hand to the coach we wanted next. The cards were needed at the beginning and end of each semester to record our grades and attendance, which meant – you could take the card for the 2nd section, not go to PE at all – but bring the card back for the third section selection. Being the instigator that I am, I shared this theory with a friend – who did it successfully and got a one hour break for a third of the year.

A subversive teacher of ours would sign his hall passes M. Borman, knowing it never really mattered who’s name was on the pass. We took this clue, stole a bunch of passes and continued the tribute signing them M Borman. My High school was very interested in finding his whereabouts.

On returning from an absence, we were required to go to the office to get a “readmit” slip, which would be signed by all our teachers (to let us back into class) and then turne3d back into the office at the end of the day. This was intended to prevent cutting class. However, getting our hands on some blank readmit forms – we were able to cut classes at will, as the office presumed, according to our records, that we had perfect attendance.

Detentions were tracked with tick marks on an index card, add the tick marks and you served your detention. The records being the obvious evidence of the act. Well, it’s amazing how easily accessible those cards were – I feel sorry for the kids who served their full terms.

Were I younger, I have no doubts I would have been a hacker in high school

[wendybeth]

Oooh, you were good..... I would just cut class and take the consequences.

:cheers:

[Tref]

So, Bartleby- did you go to the party?;)

I did go, but it was an uncomfortable evening, and I kept to myself. In my deffense I didn't know anybody and they didn't know me. I may have pulled my standard move of getting up to make a phone call and never returning.

One day, I will relate my favorite work scam ever. To this day I still can't believe I pulled it off. (Nobody was injured and nothing was stolen, though I did collect a mighty fine paycheck.)

[€uroMeinke]

In sixth grade, my friends and I formed the “Interceptors Club,” we enjoyed all things that had to do with espionage and especially James Bond. From our viewing and reading we learned that by placing tape over the door latch, we could prevent our teacher from locking up the classroom during lunch or recess – as was the practice. So, while the other kids were out playing, we were in the classroom rifling through their desks and checking out their personal belongings.

Our greatest find was a love letter written between classmates. Innocent 6th grade love – with all the accompanying embarrassment and cruelty. We provided the later. We duplicated the letter and distributed it to the class – incognito, of course. We almost got in trouble, but at the last minute the lad confessed to actually writing the letter – red faced and humiliated, while we laughed and joked for days.

[lizziebith]

Ah, clubs gone by! When I was in the sixth grade I started a club, too: the mischief-makers club. We'd roam the neighborhood, looking for trouble to cause. Like taking the toys of little kids and tossing them up into a tree or on a roof. Like telling them their parents had been in a car accident and were dead :eek: . Or that their pets had run away and were never coming back. Yes, if there is a hell, I'm gonna burn.

[Prudence]

When I was in elementary school I was climbing on some monkey bars and got angry at some boy and stomped on his hand really hard. He went to tattle on me and when the playground lady came to investigate I put on my sweet little girl face and expressed my sincere apologies for having slipped accidentally stepped on him while climbing and gosh, I tried to apologize but he just run away....

And of course, since I was such a GOOD little girl, she bought it and sympathized with me about boys and their tempers.

And that was when I first knew that I was a fantastic liar.

[Ghoulish Delight]

Sigh.

I think I was about 9 and my sister 14. My parents went away on a weekend cruise and left us home alone for the first time. And oh boy did we take advantage of it! We walked to the supermarket, walked right in...and bought some marshmallow cereal damnit!! Take that world!!


Man oh man were we lame.

[UvaGirl]

LOL, the Secret Club. Ours was called Les Enfants de la Nuit (oh the pretension, even at 14:rolleyes: ), and I can't really remember what we got up to. Just trying to push the boundaries with teachers, spread the occassional rumour, that kind of stuff. Good times:)

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

I was in line at El Pollo Loco the other day. Wait, to clarify, I was standing in front of the register and there was no one else in line with me. I was the line.

There were other people there waiting for their orders. And there were employees bustling about the kitchen, moving about the back where they have their offices, cooking in the kitchen, and one woman was making sure everyone got their orders.

No one was looking at me. Not any of the people standing next to me. Not a single employee. The seconds and minutes began rolling by. Some people seemed to see past me, or to see to the side of me.

I’ll preface the rest by saying that I am an agnostic, closer to an atheist than anything else. However, I’m open to suggestion, being proven wrong, or just one day waking up and feeling wrong. (Less likely, I’ll eventually succumb to my Jesus Boy Bus Crush’s attempts to convert his fellow commuters so that he might consider sticking his tongue down my throat.)

When I’d been standing for about 4 minutes, I was gripped with a sudden fear/realization that I might possibly be dead, and no one could see me. I wracked my brain to remember a close encounter with a car that I thought I’d narrowly missed. I felt the walkman in my hand. It felt solid. I felt solid. But I was glued to my position and too startled to actually scream, “CAN YOU PEOPLE SEE ME? PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN SEE ME. HERE, SIR, TOUCH MY FACE. IS IT NOT FLESH? AM I NOT CORPOREAL? ATHEISTS CAN’T BE GHOSTS!”

The feeling lasted for about 5-10 seconds, but the panic was acute and very real. Sure, it was panic influenced by movies like The Sixth Sense and The Others, but it felt more real than fiction. I’m certain I wasn’t just putting myself on for my own deranged amusement. Then again....

For at least 10 seconds, I thought I was a ghost, a specter, a spook, a wraith, a thing of airy nothing without habitation or a name (to twist around Shakespeare's words).

And why is this a confession?

Because it’s embarrassing! I really thought I might have died because no one at El Pollo Loco was available to take my order and, by extension, was refusing to acknowledge my existence.

And when the woman behind the counter finally said, “May I take your order?” I first wanted to kiss her feet and then I wanted to become irate about her poor customer services skills. Why couldn’t she have just looked at me and said, “Be with you in a minute, flesh and bone alive person!”

Then I wouldn’t of had to experience a crisis of (lack of) faith or my own existence.

I confess that I'm apparently a crazy person.

[€uroMeinke]

Then I wouldn’t of had to experience a crisis of (lack of) faith or my own existence.


I think you need to hire an existential detective

[Prudence]

Then I wouldn’t of had to experience a crisis of (lack of) faith or my own existence.

I confess that I'm apparently a crazy person.

"You ask so many questions
What answers should I chose?
Is this schizoid paranoia
Or just existential blues?"

[Ghoulish Delight]

Oh, wait, I have an actual cofession that doesn't involve sugar...oh wait, crap it does involve sugar. But it also involves incredibly irresponsible juvenile behavior as well!

Halloween, I was about 14. I went with a friend to his friend's place to trick-or-treat. I was told that everyone would be dressing the same...in all black with hockey masks. Oh, and that if I could bring some sort of weapon, that'd be good. I have NO idea why I agreed that this was a good idea. And I have NO idea how I managed to get my dad's antique 3 foot machette out of the house undetected. But I did.

So I spent the night semi-terrorizing a neighborhood. As I remember, there was the machette, nunchucks, at least one sword, definitely a few large sticks, and a couple pelet guns. Fortunately, none of the weapons were ever used. We did, however, smash our share of pumpkins and intimidate a good number of kids and parents (how could 10 guys dressed in all black and hockey masks carrying various and sundry weapons not).

The cops were called on us that night. How do I know? Well, one of the people's brother happened to be in police acadamy, so he had a police scanner. So we knew they were looking for us, and we knew where and exactly what they were looking for. So when we heard "a group of 10 males, wearing all black and hockey masks", we simply split up, took off the masks, and changed shirts. Voila. At one point, we were actually chased down by a car that we were sure was a homeowner that saw us smashing their pumpkin. Turned out it was the guy with the police scanner screwing with us.

The night ended with us pissing off the entire neigborhood by setting off an M-80 in the middle of the street.

By far the most irresponsible thing I've ever done.

[wendybeth]

Oooh, we used to buy m80's at the reservation and blow up watermelons! Great fun.

[lizziebith]

So much mojo wanting to give -- and not allowed! Mojo to youse guys! :snap: :cheers:

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

I think you need to hire an existential detective

I loved that movie. Saw it at the Arc Light during one of their boozer shows, so it funny and beerlicious. I really like David O' Russell films, but I was surprised by how much I crushed on that film. Lily Tomlin was divine hilarity.

Ah, I do need an existential detective, I think. LMAO, Chris.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

We blew up a mailbox with an M-80 once. We did this at about midnight and it was quite successful, sending the mailbox clear across the street. I didn't plant the device but did supply the cigarette to use as a makeshift timer. I would imagine this is some kind of federal offense but I'm hoping that, since it was about 24 years ago, the statute of limitations has expired. Nowdays, it would probably be considered an act of terrorism.