As my world turns...DRAMA

[Nephythys]

Well, not my own drama. Davis drama.....

He wants to drop out. He wants to quit school, study and get his GED, work full time, get his car and start planning college.

I'm in a quandry.

He's not doing well- he is not dealing with pressure with any grace and he is miserable. His grades are good but he is so unhappy it almost seems to be making him sick. I can understand why he may want to drop this part of life and start getting on with things- he is not exactly a traditional kid.

Add to that the fact that I dropped out (ask me why- don't make any assumptions) and went to college for a while and I am doing ok- financially etc....and I have a hard time telling him that he can't do this. I can tell him I regret it, and that I missed doing things I wished I had done- but I doubt that will change his mind.

I have calls in to his counselor at school and his PO for advice and guidance. No decision has been made yet but it is what he wants to do. It's not like he is failing at school or socially- he is just really unhappy and eventually it will degrade his performance.

*sigh*

[Kevy Baby]

Add to that the fact that I dropped out (ask me why- don't make any assumptions)...Why?





Actually, it is irrelevant and I don't need to know - it was just hanging out there :)

[Snowflake]

So sorry to hear this and being inexperienced in parenting, I can offer no good advice. {{hugs}}

Hopefully his PO and school counselor will be able to offer some good advice/assistance.

[Alex]

How far along is he?

[Nephythys]

..in his senior year. He will be 18 in February.

[blueerica]

I keep trying to come up with the right way to put this, so I suppose I'll give you my background. I finished HS and went on to college only to stop because I wanted to work and was making some decent money - plus, I had some major family trauma going on at the time... really easy to stop focusing on school that way. I kept telling everyone that I would go back and finish my degree and a part of me meant it, but as the months and years went by it became increasingly difficult to 'restart' the process of finishing everything.

What woke me up to reality was my trip to Spain. On a whim, I decided to find out what it would take for me to move there - not that I was planning to, but simply just getting the info. I quickly discovered what a process it was to get a visa, etc, and that if I wanted to do anything overseas I would need to have a bachelor's degree and some quantifiable skills. I never felt so trapped in my life. Much the same for even cities outside of CA around the US - it's hard to move without something 'special' and frankly, as much as anyone might love me, I was far from special.

Feeling trapped, I looked into what classes it would take to finish school and decided to return for a bachelor's in Business Marketing. Hard. As. Hell. I didn't feel like I fit in with any of the young people I was going to class with. Everything felt more difficult and though I luckily had a strong support network of family and friends, I know that if I wasn't so fortunate, I'd have to do it all while holding down a full-time job and paying the bills. So yeah, I'm finishing this semester, but only after a helluva lot of busting my ass, and I'm lucky to have what I have - most people aren't that lucky.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's easier to do the HS/college thing now than it is later... before the job, the bills, the family, the BS comes onto the scene. Ask any person who's done it - I know we have more than a few on this board. I guess that's what I'm trying to get at - do it while it's easy. You might think it's easier to work a while and go back at your own leisure, but for most of us getting older has meant less leisure than what we had as teens.

If I could take a ship back into time, I would never have quit. Sure, I've learned a LOT along the way, and perhaps I've been exposed to different opportunities, but I have a feeling I'd be a close facsimile to the person I am today.

And damn it, it's easy to look back and say all of this, but I know it would have been next to impossible to convince the girl who quit school seven years ago.

[blueerica]

Oh, and yes - tell him to not be like some of the people in my class that did all the work in HS only to drop out in the last year or halfway through the last. They may have finished their GED, but few ever followed through on finding a better life for themselves. I'm sure they thought they were doing the right thing, but... as an observer it just felt like they were throwing all that hard work away.

Also, from your perspective - though things are fine now, were things ever difficult because of your circumstances, Nephy? I always think of my mom who dropped out in her senior year (she was on her way to becoming Valedictorian before meeting some guy), did some classes, and who has had many a 'hard time' that I wonder could have been prevented had she just went the extra step...

[DreadPirateRoberts]

I agree with blueerica, it's only going to get harder to try to get back to school, that goes for any school, highschool, college, etc. Once you have a job and are making money, it is very difficult find the time and the effort to take classes after working a full time job all day. Unfortunately, you only realize this in hindsight.

[Morrigoon]

If it's college he's anxious to get on to, look into programs through the high school that allow him to take college classes at the local JC which simultaneously give him HS credit. My high school had a lot of students doing that. It beats the pants off stopping HS altogether and it DOES get him a few credits ahead in college.

Most importantly, encourage him to take something that will inspire him. I mean, great if he takes English 101 or something, but perhaps encourage him to also sign up for a night course in drama or car repair or whatever floats his boat. Something to make going to school positive, because public high schools will take it out of even the best kids.

[Kevy Baby]

I have read this thread several times. I want to respond, but I do not know what to say that will get into the head of a 17 year-old.

Erica is right. When I was in high school, the thought of going to college was just not what I wanted to do. I went to community college for 1 class a semester just to say I was going to school. I wanted to go to work to have money for a car and fun. I was making $25,000 a year (the equivalent of about $48,000 a year now). I was in hog heaven.

But even then, I realized that what I was doing then is about all I could expect for the rest of my life. Sure, I could make more money, but my options (due to limited skill set) were limited.

I was fortunate - my father (and his new wife) offered to pay for me to go back to school. I jumped on it in a heartbeat and ended up graduating from Cal Poly SLO. While it was certainly difficult, it gave me so many more options in my life.

While this is about whether he should stay in high school, the example still applies. The more education that you have, the higher the odds that you will have more options in life. Despite what it says on paper, a GED is NOT equivalent to a regular high-school diploma. While not officially, a GED will be looked upon as someone who is not driven to complete something basic.

Leaving school now is trading a few months at the expense of the rest of his life. I understand that high school is very challenging for him. But the short term challenge is the easier way out than the long term struggle he would create for himself by leaving high school now.

[Prudence]

I don't have any spiffy parenting advice. But, I can say that I've been there as a student and it sucks. It's like prison. And there are a bunch of rules that are meant to keep other people in line, but the spillover effect is to limit what other kids (who COULD handle more) can do.

However, getting his GED might seem like the easy solution now, but as you likely know it is really the much harder road. He's so close to graduation - even if it feels like it's so far away - that staying the course is the "easy" route, all things considered.

Morigoon probably has the best solution. What's great about taking college credit early is that a lot of times you can then skip the entry level/freshman classes once you are in college first time. That way when he starts "real" college he'll be going in at a higher level and skip all the basically high-school level stuff.

[katiesue]

I realize it's an eternity in "kid years" but 5ish more months really isn't all that long to get through. And as Kevy said a GED on a resume compared to a High School Diploma isn't the same. And yes people will judge by that if they're reading your resume, right or wrong.

You can work and earn money and still stay in school. Does his school have a work/credit program? Mine had one where you could work and get some credits at the same time.

I also agree with the community college classes for credit. And as Morri said it doesn't have to be an academic class just something he's interested in. This will also give him a bit of a feel of what college is actually like.

Also wouldn't it be harder to get into a college with just a GED as compared to a degree? Unless you go the comminity college route (which I did). I also never finished. I stopped to work full time and just never had the time or honestly the committment to go back and finish it off. It hasn't stopped my career but it has definately limited my possibilities.

I also know of course that when you're 17 (almost 18) none of the big picture stuff really comes into any kind of focus. A year is an eternity.

[BarTopDancer]

I would do everything possible to encourage him to stay in school and get his diploma. A GED isn't what it used to be. An eternity in "kid years" is right, but 4-5 months (depending on the date of his 18th birthday) is not that long to suck it up and not "throw it all away" (12 years of school only to give up with 4 months left).

College isn't for everyone. I struggled, am still struggling with going. I went right out of high school, hated it, dropped out. Rinse, repeat - multiple times. 12 years later I am still working on a BA degree.

Encourage him to look at positions he may like to have on Monster, CareerBuilder or in the local paper. Many positions are requiring Bachelor degrees to even get your resume looked at. Maybe if he sees this, it will sink in a little that dropping out isn't really a good thing.

Morri has the best suggestion. In CA, many schools allow students to take community college classes for high school credit (and it will double as college credit). Also check into an ROP program - they provide similar programs with vocational training as well.

[MouseWife]

Those before me have given some wonderful advice. :snap: :snap:

The college classes during high school are a great way to introduce them to college and how it works while still having high school to be a part of.

It is hard to finish those last months, especially after he's had a different life style. It probably feels to him like he is spinning his wheels.

Is he in line with the credits he needs to graduate in June/July?

My daughter did not go with the flow. It wasn't necessarily because she wanted to work it was just that it wasn't working for her. She did the 'Learning Center' {I think this might also help to catch up on missed credits for time when they've missed credits?} and then did indendant studies. She didn't get a GED but some other type of certificate. It is what worked for her, kept her going. She did go to work after and took a few classes at the community college. Now she is attending a school to get her nutritionist license.

I know you are worried about pushing him too hard in the direction you are choosing, in case it doesn't work and instead breaks him. Try the things people have suggested, keeping your mind/eyes open to him. He may take to it, hearing it from his counselor and others just might work. If you feel that it just isn't working, well, step back and see what needs changing.

It will work out. Just remember we felt this way before they walked, got out of diapers, off the bottle, wrote, read, and how many other things.

One thing I would suggest, {over anything else I may have said} don't listen to other people who might judge your son or you. Whatever you end up doing, that is right for you. Whatever choice you make is up to you.

I wish you luck, sincerely.

[wendybeth]

What does he think he wants to do with his life? There are lots of careers that obviously require a HS diploma or GED and college, and then there are lots that don't. Does he like mechanics, welding, carpentry or any of the skilled trades? If so, maybe you should look into getting him into a mentoring or apprenticeship program. I would hate to see him quit school so close to the end, but if he is that miserable (and not just burnt out) maybe his calling is elsewhere. Work out a deal with him- if he can come up with a viable training alternative that he genuinely feels he can stick with, maybe it might be the thing to do. Like you said, he's a smart kid and I think he'll find his way if he has the support and direction. However, if he just wants to be a slacker, then no deal. I've been reading that the higher paying jobs these days are in the skilled trades, so if he is so inclined maybe that's where he should direct his energies.

[Gemini Cricket]

Make him stay and get his diploma. He's almost done.
It's hard to go back.

[Disneyphile]

Does he still want to be a chef?

If so, have him check out the culinary program with Delancey Street Foundation. Since he's on probation and such, he should qualify for their program, and it will also help keep him from returning to trouble, and offer him free vocational training and job placement, while housing him in a safe and dry environment. They have quite a few campuses across the country now, so he'd have a bit of choice where he goes to study.

[Nephythys]

He still wants to go to art college (yes- culinary)- hmm, just thought of something...need him to check out the schools he wants to go to.....see what they say about getting in.

See if that changes anything-


He is only on parole til February-so a program is not the right place to look right now.

[Strangler Lewis]

If he's just bored and frustrated, he should finish. Once he gets a job, it will be hard to go back. If you haven't already, you should explore whether his problems are social. We had a former babysitter who pushed to graduate as a junior, not because she was academically precocious but because something about the high school scene was too cruel and painful for her. Maybe he's concerned about going back to associate with people he knows he shouldn't associate with.

Good luck with it.

[Not Afraid]

He's a Senior, which means he has a mere 6 months of school left. Six months is a mere blip on the journey of life and it you can't do 6 months of something you don't like (for your own good, no less) then you really aren't going to be prepared for 6 months of life out of high school. Sometimes you have to just bit the bullet and do the right thing for a bit of time - no matter how unplesant - rather than run away from it. He'll be a better person for doing it.

[Nephythys]

New incentive- though I am unsure of the effect. My parents neighbor who has known Davis since he was born wants him to graduate- and says she will give him a "bonus"- the largest bonus she has paid to a kid to see them graduate- Based on what I know of them this could easily be a 4 digit payment (though it could be less- I am guessing)

- but I really do not know if this will sway him at all.

[Nephythys]

*update*

Davis has finally broken down and admitted he is not functioning and does not feel he can succeed "out here" right now. He has asked to be returned to ROP and due to some parole violations his PO is going to take him back into custody on Thursday.

He can only stay in the program until the beginning of February- hopefully those three months will allow him to get back on track. He likely would not graduate fully but perhaps he could rack up enough credits to graduate after getting a few credits afterwards- like through the Star Lab program (self study) He did tell me he wants to graduate if at all possible.

The details are not needed- nothing horrible happened but it all came to a head today. I'm sad, yet proud of him for being honest. I'm going to miss him yet I am not going to miss the chaos that was beginning to grow around our home.

I wanted to thank you all for being friends to me-having you here, even though miles seperate us- has meant alot to me. Knowing I can come here and talk to you-with any luck I will still be out in March with Davis. Keep us all in prayers and well wishes.

[BarTopDancer]

Hey Nephy,

It is HUGE that D can admit he needs more help and isn't functioning in "out here" right now.

Perhaps they have a transition program and can teach some independent living skills so he doesn't become "institutionalized' and rely on the structure placement provides and will be able to move forward sucessfuly after Feb.

[wendybeth]

BTD is right- that is totally amazing and shows a lot of maturity and growth on his part. He's going to be just fine once he makes it through these teen years; anyone who thinks the teen years are the best and easiest time of one's life is an idiot. I wouldn't go back to that time for anything.

[Snowflake]

Nephy

Hugs to you and to Davis, both of you are showing lots of courage. I gotta say, he's got a good head on him and some cojones if he can, at this young age, see and admit to needing help and to step back in order to move forward. Good for him! And you can tell him I said so, too!

Sending good thoughts and prayers to all of you guys & gals. {{HUGS}}

Snow

[Kevy Baby]

Davis is taking responsibility for himself. He is able to recognize when he needs help and is strong enough to know when to ask for it. He loves you and trusts you enough to be able to come to you with that.

I admire the two of you for that.

[blueerica]

Aww!

I know that sounds cheesy, but it was my first reaction once I read your post, Nephy. It's a big step in what seems to be a good direction. I concur with the above posts that this is a very mature foot forward for Davis, and I'm proud of the two of you for making it through. I can't imagine it's ever been easy.

My thoughts will continue to be with you guys, as they seem to be more often than I end up saying on here.

[Disneyphile]

Davis has come such a looooooooooooooong way, and I'm proud of him. People generally don't fully "get well" until they recognize their own issue, and it sounds like he's finally reached that stage.

I know it's hard having the family separated once again, but sometimes, we have to let people go for what's best for them. And, this will only help keep the family together in the future. It's not lost time, but quality time gained later on.

*hugs*

[lashbear]

I'm sending you both supportive hugs from the lashpair Downunder, and still expect to see you both out here sometime.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

Just wanted to chime in as well and say that it sounds like Davis is really stepping forward, even if it seems like a step back, by recognizing that he needs help and asking for it. That's a hell of a big step.

Virtual hugs and positive thoughts to both of you.

[alphabassettgrrl]

I hope the program can help him work on his issues. It's definitely progress that he can say what's not working.

Poor guy. At least now he can get the help he needs. It is scary to face the world and know you'll be turned loose in it, and *know* full well you're not prepared.

[Nephythys]

He's almost perky since he made this choice. He's sporting his letter jacket from ROP as well.

Got word that he will go straight back into the main population, he does not have to start the program over. They are already working on setting up his classes to pump credits in and get him graduated if possible.

His PO will come by this afternoon and someone from ROP is coming out to pick him up and just take him back. He actually seems to be looking forward to it- not a single moment of reconsideration at all. I hope those 3 months are enough to get him back on the right path.

So- I am going to muddle through today at work and go home and see him for a while and then say good bye until he has a visit at the school.

[Kevy Baby]

Thanks for the update. Please let him know that we are all thinking about him and are behind him!

[Disneyphile]

He's almost perky since he made this choice. He's sporting his letter jacket from ROP as well.Whoa!! He definitely has come a long way! :snap: He knows what's good for him, and he's excited about it.

I'm very relieved they won't make him go back through orientation again. I think that would have been detrimental to his progress. He is choosing to go back, so he should not be punished for making that choice.

Tell Davis that a lot of people are proud of him for making a very mature and smart decision, and we know he'll shine. :)