Advice request: How to do with stupid relatives? [Archive]

scaeagles

02-22-2009, 03:12 PM

OK....I don't know how to handle this. My wife has two stupid brothers who are both control freaks and a mom who just wants everyone to get along. My wife hates conflict and just wants everything to be OK.

So there is conflict right now regarding my mother in laws bday. Just one example of thousands. One brother texts my wife at 12:00 today and says they are having a birthday get together for her at 3:00. We had plans. So they are freaking out about it. They also decided after we had already purchased a gift for her that we had to go in with them on something else. Not going to do it. They are freaking out about it. This happens all the time.

Would just write them off and be done with them for eternity except for what it does to my mother in law.

What should I do? I'm am getting reall, really tired of this.

BarTopDancer

02-22-2009, 03:33 PM

Beat them with a bat.

Or regain control and carry on with your plans (if your MIL won't be insulted) and give them the gift you gave. If the plans weren't to important and your wife wants to go to the gathering then compromise and go to the gathering and give her the gift you already bought. You can't control their behavior or actions, only your own.

Or move out of the country.

My uncle is a control freak (and an ass) to the nth degree. I have nothing to do with him, at all. Years ago my mom invited him and his family (who I love) to visit... I moved out. Two years ago my mom wanted to invite him (he's now divorced and his kids want nothing to do with him) down (from Canada) over Thanksgiving and she asked me my thoughts on it. I told her if she did I wouldn't be there, but it is her home and her choice. And my mom knows what a control freak and ass that he is. I never understood the "you have to spend time with people just because their family" mindset.

~MS~

02-22-2009, 03:52 PM

In my world it's called picking your battles. Is today MIL's actual birthday? If it is then your wife was aware of that when you guys made plans, for her brothers to inform her 3 hours out that there is going to be an event is unacceptable by anyone's standards IMHO. No one can be anymore controlling than you let them be, is your wife the 'baby sis' to the brothers? That might be a bit harder on her to deal with in addition to her 'can't we all just get along' personality.

It's a bit too late to "fix" this event but after having lived with a Monster in law for over 25 years here's a bit of hard learned techniques. For any major 'family events' birthdays/holidays that you do together ...those kinds of things...you have to learn to be extremely proactive and contact the brothers and say, we need to make some plans so we need to know what your plans are for this event....then hold them to those plans. If they try to do an quick change oops sorry told you we made plans based on the plan you gave us, we're not available. It's a lot harder to get going than it sounds I am well aware, but believe me, a couple of years of being consistent and you'll train the control freaks that they can be as insane over crap as they want but they don't get to infect you and your wife with their crap.

Alex

02-22-2009, 03:58 PM

Tell the brothers you're sorry but they didn't give enough notice and while it sucks they're asking you to be rude to others because of it.

Then call your MIL and apologize for not being able to attend because of the conflict and assure her you'll talk/see her soon and happy birthday.

If they freak when they don't get their way, just like children it is probably because by freaking they usually get their way.

scaeagles

02-22-2009, 04:20 PM

Today is not her actual bday, it is Monday.

We pretty much did that exact thing, Alex, so that's making me feel like we're handling it somewhat OK. And you nailed them. Selfish spoiled brats who expect what they say to be followed to the letter.

As mentioned, this is just the latest example. I'm more concerned about the long term because I'm tired of this over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and...well, you get the idea. I honestly would just rather have nothing to do with them....ever. But that kills the mother in law, whom I love dearly - she's a great lady.

wendybeth

02-22-2009, 05:27 PM

Make alternative plans to do something with your MIL, plans that do not include the brothers. I'm sure she's well aware of what brats they are, and she simply counts on you two to be the better people by ignoring their asinine behavior. Tell her that as much as you love her and want her to be happy, you can no longer deal with or enable their childishness any more and that you want your time spent with her to be pleasant. Continue to call them on their rudeness whenever it happens and eventually they'll either stop the behavior or stop calling period. It's a win/win situation: mom gets lots of positive attention, you get to deal with the losers less, your wife won't be caught in the middle as much, and maybe the brothers will grow the **** up in the process. (I doubt it- people seldom truly change, but it could happen). I've applied all these recommendations to my own interpersonal dealings with family, and it really does work.:cheers:

scaeagles

02-22-2009, 06:31 PM

I hope so, WB. Thanks.

Mousey Girl

02-22-2009, 08:20 PM

I have the same issue with my dad. It has gotten so bad that my mom starts crying and begging me not to let him drive us away.

JWBear

02-22-2009, 10:16 PM

There is no problem that can not be solved with a sufficient amount of high explosives. This also applies to relatives.

Betty

02-23-2009, 07:18 AM

I have the same issue with my dad. It has gotten so bad that my mom starts crying and begging me not to let him drive us away.

Okay - now that just sucks. Mom's crying is soul wrenching.

Strangler Lewis

02-23-2009, 08:35 AM

I think Alex's advice was the right thing on the spur of the moment. For the long haul, however, unless these conflicts come up frequently, my recommendation is just to eat the sh*t they serve. This is your wife's family nonsense to sort out and stand up to, and if she's not going to do it, you'll just end up having a fight with your wife every time this comes up.

Not Afraid

02-23-2009, 09:20 AM

You don't have to engage them in their craziness. Simply say "No, we're not available" and repeat as needed. Any other attempts they use to push buttons and get a response do not have to be acknowledged. Eventually - and it may take quite a while - they will get the point.

scaeagles

02-23-2009, 09:59 AM

Strangler, I don't fight with the wife about it. She knows they are jerks but wants every thing to just "be OK" and wants her mom to be happy.

I think ignoring them is best, like you suggest, NA. We've tried that in the past, and then they cry to their mommy that we ignore them and the wife gets in trouble. Pretty ridiculous, but probably the best option.

wendybeth

02-23-2009, 10:41 AM

'Ignore' is as useful an option in real life as it is online, and it often provides the same results. When they aren't able to engage you in their game, the brothers will eventually move on to someone else who will provide entertainment. Your wife really needs to be on board, though- if they can provoke her into feeling bad then they're still getting their twisted needs met. She should know it's okay to not go with the status quo if it's hurting her or anyone else- there is nothing wrong with growing up and refusing to play the old family roles, especially if you're the punching bag. I put my foot down after years of this kind of **** on both sides of my family, and after a period of adjustment things really did calm down. Now, everyone knows that if they want a family gathering, there will be no drama allowed.

Not Afraid

02-23-2009, 10:46 AM

I think ignoring them is best, like you suggest, NA. We've tried that in the past, and then they cry to their mommy that we ignore them and the wife gets in trouble. Pretty ridiculous, but probably the best option.

Gets in trouble? What's going to happen? Your wife will have to sit in a corner for 30 minutes? You are adults. You don't "get in trouble". If her Mom says something "motherly" to her about it, she can simply respond - "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. She doesn't have to either accept the feelings of others nor engage with the discussion. I know she cares about her mother's feelings - and there's nothing wrong with that, but she can care about her mom's feelings while still not engaging in the discussion.

scaeagles

02-23-2009, 10:54 AM

SacTown Chronic

02-23-2009, 11:10 AM

Maybe Leo's wife needs a spanking.

wendybeth

02-23-2009, 11:11 AM

I understand how hard it can be to change your family's perception of you and the role you play in your family dynamic, but it's never too late. In my case, it has paid off in unexpected ways. I went from being the kid sis and youngest daughter- who's opinion was often discounted and who could be guilted into anything- to more of a team member on the family board of directors. With our parents aging and some big decisions cropping up as to their future care, etc, this has been a really good thing- both my mother and MIL are at a point in their lives where they need help and they accept that maybe I actually do have some good ideas and their best interests at heart. It sounds like your wife and you will probably be the caregivers when your MIL needs it, so now would be an excellent time to start standing your ground and letting those brothers know you won't play this destructive game anymore. When MIL finds out it's actually a lot let stressful than just pretending like everything's hunky-dory, she'll be a lot happier as well.

Not Afraid

02-23-2009, 11:45 AM

I would that it were that simple. Wife hates disapproval of her parents, and her mom expects her as the rational child to do what is necessary to appease.

Completely unreasonable and the wife is certainly not at lack of fault because she has difficulty dealing with that.

Well, if she wants to continue engaging in the crazymaking, then there's not much you can do about it other than keep the responsibility for her participation firmly in her realm. It's always difficult when someone is trying to live up the expectations of others (especially a parent) when those expectations are not entirely reasonable. Your wife may eventually come to the realization (and acceptance) that she doesn't need to jump in and do everything her Mom expects her to do.

scaeagles

02-23-2009, 11:51 AM

Would that it were so now, NA....you have no idea.

Betty

02-23-2009, 11:59 AM

Maybe Leo's wife needs a spanking.

I know I do... :D

Kevy Baby

02-23-2009, 01:40 PM

You are adults. You don't "get in trouble".Try not paying your taxes and see what happens.

Jazzman

02-23-2009, 03:44 PM

Lay out what the rules are (i.e. if you want us to attend, reasonable notice is required, if you want us to chip in on things, reasonable notice is also required, etc. etc.) then go on to do as everyone else says and ignore their crap. If you don't draw the line in the sand, and draw it so that it is very obvious, then they're going to continue to walk all over you guys, regardless of how you do or don't ignore their games. We had a somewhat similar, though not nearly as serious, issue with The Wife's brother and his ex concerning his kids, and we tried the high road, ignore-them-and-don't-cause-drama path, and it was just as disastrous but in other new and irritating ways. Only after we laid out what was acceptable and what was not, then stuck to it, did they get the message. Some feelings were bruised for a short time, but when we didn't budge, ever, they eventually accepted it and things are fine now. And don't leave your wife to handle it because it's "her family." Being married means you're in it together, always; which of course you know. :) Like I said, though, things weren't as severe for us as they are apparently for you guys, but the principle is the same; you can only be the victim if you don't defend yourself.

LashStoat

02-25-2009, 01:24 AM

Take control and be proactive:

"Hi guys, it's MIL's birthday next week, what's the plan" avoids last minute sh*t fights when you know an event is coming up. Mark 'em all up on a calendar, and don't count the number of events (as it might depress you).

Don't be railroaded:

"Sorry, that's too short a notice, we already have another commitment" for out-of-the blue events, and say it even if it's not true. This will train them into the correct etiquette (like toilet training). The minute you drop everything for them, you'll be back to square one.

Talk to your wife:

You can't implement either strategy without your wife's full co-operation. Without it, you'll be undermined and over-stressed. There will be TBB (tears before bedtime), and no man can survive that.

hugs,

The Stoat.