Not Afraid
07-23-2009, 09:19 PM
Once upon a time there was a small Spanish Bungalow in the fair City of Long Beach, where 3 adorable, but scraggly baby raccoons decided to live. The fact that they had moved in was unknown to the "legal" residents of the bungalow (and by legal, I mean 10 lovely, well-mannered cats, a pug, some fish, The Women who loved them all, and Some Guy (once known as That Guy). Oh, yes, these 3 scraggly babies would make appearances outside of the bungalow, delighting the people, disturbing the pug, and intriguing the cats but no one actually realized that the 'coons had become residents. The 'coons (to their defence) enjoyed feasting on the many bags of pet food that were left on their porch by a generous neighbor.
One very sultry afternoon, the Mrs. of the house was relaxing in her sumptuous, but steamy living room (EDIT by SG - wearing nothing but a silk chemise and a smile of expectation) when a ruckus was heard above her head. Looking up at the gentle arches of the barreled ceiling a sudden realization came upon her....there were creatures above her head! She twittered without delay "Come home quick, my darling (ie, Some Guy), we have a raccoon problem".
Meanwhile, in the depths of corporate America, Some Guy had just finished a 3 hour meeting, barely focused on the work at hand, while visions of stripping dwarves played through his head, and he wondered.....is that all there is? Glancing at his personal communication device, he was alerted to the fact that, back at home, something was in the attic. Quickly closing his laptop he rushed to his car and headed South to the House of Many Cats, otherwise known as Home.
Upon arriving, he quickly stripped - but much faster than the dwarf in his mind (pausing only to wonder if he could make the tassles twirl). Climbing to the rooftop, staff in hand (by staff, we mean broom) he went looking for the crib of the coon babes.
While peering over the ledge, the masked nose of one young coon popped out of a hole! Following the nose, an entire coon emerged. The coon was taken aback when he realized "WTF, there's Some Guy on the roof". Back into the hole he ran to activate the Coon Emergency Response System.
At this precise moment all heads turned to the sound of screeching tires as the Drunken Seamstress arrived. She immediately uttered the words "Is that Dick Van Dyke up there?" There was no denying it, there was Some Guy on the roof dancing a jig and singing "Step In Time" with his staff in hand.
Meanwhile, the terrified wee raccoons decided to make their escape. Out the hole they came. First one, then the other .........and then a looooooong pause.
"How many raccoons were there?" said Some Guy
"I think there were three" said the Woman.
"But only two came out"
"I think there were three"
But only two came out"
"I THINK THERE WERE THREE"
"But only two........I'll go look"
Some Guy ventured into the dark hole of his closet where the secret door to the attic was. After dislodging the detrius that lives in his closet, the trap door opened with ease. Meanwhile, out on the lawn, the Woman, the Pug and the Seamstress expectantly watched the hole. Suddenly, violent screms shuddered through the neighborhood, erupting through the dark hole. The Seamstress collapsed in giggles; The Tamale Man stopped ringing his bell; the Woman ran for the closet....was the missing coon attacking? Would Some Guy have to put down like Old Yeller? Would this story have a tragic ending? (The Seamstress continued giggling.)
After removing 9 out of 10 cats from the ceiling fan, where they clung, spinning in fear, Some Guy climbed back on the roof. Meanwhile, The Woman procured a neighbor, chicken wire, tobasco sauce and Gorilla Glue. But, before any acts that are illegal in 42 states were performed the neighbor escaped and a man in a Camero, stuffed to the gills with trash, shouted out his window "Beware The Gravity!".
Wire was bent, the hole was stuffed, Some Guy glued himself to the contraption. Tobasco saved the day (though Some Guy complained of burning sensations).
Two homeless raccoons sat in a tree plotting their next move in this chess game of life......
To Be Continued.
One very sultry afternoon, the Mrs. of the house was relaxing in her sumptuous, but steamy living room (EDIT by SG - wearing nothing but a silk chemise and a smile of expectation) when a ruckus was heard above her head. Looking up at the gentle arches of the barreled ceiling a sudden realization came upon her....there were creatures above her head! She twittered without delay "Come home quick, my darling (ie, Some Guy), we have a raccoon problem".
Meanwhile, in the depths of corporate America, Some Guy had just finished a 3 hour meeting, barely focused on the work at hand, while visions of stripping dwarves played through his head, and he wondered.....is that all there is? Glancing at his personal communication device, he was alerted to the fact that, back at home, something was in the attic. Quickly closing his laptop he rushed to his car and headed South to the House of Many Cats, otherwise known as Home.
Upon arriving, he quickly stripped - but much faster than the dwarf in his mind (pausing only to wonder if he could make the tassles twirl). Climbing to the rooftop, staff in hand (by staff, we mean broom) he went looking for the crib of the coon babes.
While peering over the ledge, the masked nose of one young coon popped out of a hole! Following the nose, an entire coon emerged. The coon was taken aback when he realized "WTF, there's Some Guy on the roof". Back into the hole he ran to activate the Coon Emergency Response System.
At this precise moment all heads turned to the sound of screeching tires as the Drunken Seamstress arrived. She immediately uttered the words "Is that Dick Van Dyke up there?" There was no denying it, there was Some Guy on the roof dancing a jig and singing "Step In Time" with his staff in hand.
Meanwhile, the terrified wee raccoons decided to make their escape. Out the hole they came. First one, then the other .........and then a looooooong pause.
"How many raccoons were there?" said Some Guy
"I think there were three" said the Woman.
"But only two came out"
"I think there were three"
But only two came out"
"I THINK THERE WERE THREE"
"But only two........I'll go look"
Some Guy ventured into the dark hole of his closet where the secret door to the attic was. After dislodging the detrius that lives in his closet, the trap door opened with ease. Meanwhile, out on the lawn, the Woman, the Pug and the Seamstress expectantly watched the hole. Suddenly, violent screms shuddered through the neighborhood, erupting through the dark hole. The Seamstress collapsed in giggles; The Tamale Man stopped ringing his bell; the Woman ran for the closet....was the missing coon attacking? Would Some Guy have to put down like Old Yeller? Would this story have a tragic ending? (The Seamstress continued giggling.)
After removing 9 out of 10 cats from the ceiling fan, where they clung, spinning in fear, Some Guy climbed back on the roof. Meanwhile, The Woman procured a neighbor, chicken wire, tobasco sauce and Gorilla Glue. But, before any acts that are illegal in 42 states were performed the neighbor escaped and a man in a Camero, stuffed to the gills with trash, shouted out his window "Beware The Gravity!".
Wire was bent, the hole was stuffed, Some Guy glued himself to the contraption. Tobasco saved the day (though Some Guy complained of burning sensations).
Two homeless raccoons sat in a tree plotting their next move in this chess game of life......
To Be Continued.