What do you call a fly without wings?

There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called the Steppers.

At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.

Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus.

As they rode down the highway, you could hear their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.

At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and its name was Peter.

That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the
Steppers still having their party. But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by
hunters.

He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus.

The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.

The next day, the headline in the paper read.......

"Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers"

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to speak to the first man he sees and the man pipes up: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need not start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

The Englishman turns to the doctor accompanying him on the visit and asks what sort of ward this is. A psychiatric ward?

"No, No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."

A man goes into a butcher's shop and sees the display cabinet is held up by
pigs' trotters.

He says to the butcher, "Are those REAL pigs trotters?"

And the butcher says...

"No, they're counterfeit!"

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?