Dear weatherman,

I am sorely disappointed in your latest forecast. I thought we'd already discussed this topic at length and you had wisely decided against further such actions. The humid heat thing has got to go! Now you tell me theres more coming? Do you really WANT an a$$whoopin' that bad?

I would strongly advise you rethink your latest upcoming weather delivery. My operatives would prefer not to involve your family in this matter.

You have been warned.

GC,
After "Selecting All", don't confuse the following Gmail buttons in the Trash area of your email account: "Delete Forever" and "Move to Inbox".
Well, don't confuse them again....
Signed,
GC


My inbox has trash in it...

Dear Brain,
Please start remembering things.

Love,
Umm...uh....

Dear most users of PA systems and drive-through order-takers,

Please take the gawd damned microphone out of your mouth and articulate your words clearly.

Signed,
The poor slobs trying to decipher what the hell you're saying.

Dear 20,000 Christian Music Festival People Invading My Town: Go Home.

P.S. Upon further investigation I'm changing it to "Dear Over 25000 Christian Music Festival People"

Dear makers of Realemon Lemon Juice,

The use of "real" and "lemon" used in proximity to your juice offends me. This afternoon, I used it in place of a juiced lemon for my parents' lemon viniagrette recipe. Then I poured it on my Living Trail Mix from Jazzy Sprouts for lunch.

I just want to say that Lemon Pledge or Lemon Pine Sol has more in common with lemon flavor that realemon does. And might taste slightly better.

When life gives you lemons, don't chemically "enhance" the lemonade.
Sincerely,
LSPE

Dear self-important busy-body patron in the microfilm section of Suzzallo library:

I realize that in the many years since my job was to locate and print out articles from microfilm for off-campus patrons I have lost some of my dexterity and it now takes me a whole second to line up the notch on the reel with the bump on the spindle.

However, I don't think that required you springing from your seat halfway down the bank of readers and racing over to shout at me "You must be doing something wrong!!!"

It definitely did not require a mini lecture (as I tried to ignore you) on what will happen if I load the reel improperly.

Your parting shot that I need to learn how to read the instructions was entirely uncalled for.

I successfully navigated the first two reels; what made you think that the third was going to go terribly, horribly wrong?

Was your Cream of Wheat extra lumpy this morning? Did hooligans steal your favorite seat on the bus? Perhaps some spry young thing refused to let you cut in line at the corner market?

Go back to your conspiracy research and leave me the hell alone.

No love,
Me.

Dear Giovani Carrara,

First off, we appreciate all that you've done for the Dodgers. It really is amazing how you manage to elevate your game when playing for the Dodgers. You've pitched out of some tights spots as a reliever, and pitched well.

But what in God's name posessed you to throw that pitch to Jim Edmonds last night? Jim Edmonds hits pitches like that into the bleachers for a living, and he's been doing it for 13 years, so this can't be a surprise to you. You threw 8 pithces otuside, which is exactly where you should pitch to him in situations where he can hurt you. But pitch 9, you decide to get cute? With 2 outs, 1st base open, and a rookie who had already blown 2 bases loaded situations on deck? That's when you decide to try to come inside to Jim freaking Edmonds? Just walk him and work the rookie, you have nothing to prove. There's no shame in walking Jim Edmonds. If we were managing the team, you'd be fined for throwing that pitch.

- Sincerely,
Dodger fans everywhere

Dear GD,

I don't know the situation, but is it possible he didn't throw the pitch there on purpose and it was a control issue rather than a decision to challenge him?

A non-baseball fan

Nope, would have nailed the catcher's glove (had 24 or so ounces of wood not gotten in its way). He threw the pitch he wanted to.