Crap, i'd better clear some space for john c reilly, just in case.

Given your support of the Steelers, I submit that your dream self actually became gay for and brought home Ben Roethlisberger. However, to make this more acceptable to your parents and, perhaps, to yourself, your dream mind turned your gay lover into independent film fixture John C. Reilly. As expected, he misbehaved in front of your parents, perhaps by becoming his porn actor character from Boogie Nights, but, to what I assume is your great relief, he did not sexually assault your mother in the bathroom. So, there's a future there.