I think Alex's advice was the right thing on the spur of the moment. For the long haul, however, unless these conflicts come up frequently, my recommendation is just to eat the sh*t they serve. This is your wife's family nonsense to sort out and stand up to, and if she's not going to do it, you'll just end up having a fight with your wife every time this comes up.

You don't have to engage them in their craziness. Simply say "No, we're not available" and repeat as needed. Any other attempts they use to push buttons and get a response do not have to be acknowledged. Eventually - and it may take quite a while - they will get the point.

Strangler, I don't fight with the wife about it. She knows they are jerks but wants every thing to just "be OK" and wants her mom to be happy.

I think ignoring them is best, like you suggest, NA. We've tried that in the past, and then they cry to their mommy that we ignore them and the wife gets in trouble. Pretty ridiculous, but probably the best option.

'Ignore' is as useful an option in real life as it is online, and it often provides the same results. When they aren't able to engage you in their game, the brothers will eventually move on to someone else who will provide entertainment. Your wife really needs to be on board, though- if they can provoke her into feeling bad then they're still getting their twisted needs met. She should know it's okay to not go with the status quo if it's hurting her or anyone else- there is nothing wrong with growing up and refusing to play the old family roles, especially if you're the punching bag. I put my foot down after years of this kind of **** on both sides of my family, and after a period of adjustment things really did calm down. Now, everyone knows that if they want a family gathering, there will be no drama allowed.

Gets in trouble? What's going to happen? Your wife will have to sit in a corner for 30 minutes? You are adults. You don't "get in trouble". If her Mom says something "motherly" to her about it, she can simply respond - "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. She doesn't have to either accept the feelings of others nor engage with the discussion. I know she cares about her mother's feelings - and there's nothing wrong with that, but she can care about her mom's feelings while still not engaging in the discussion.

I would that it were that simple. Wife hates disapproval of her parents, and her mom expects her as the rational child to do what is necessary to appease.

Completely unreasonable and the wife is certainly not at lack of fault because she has difficulty dealing with that.

Maybe Leo's wife needs a spanking.

I understand how hard it can be to change your family's perception of you and the role you play in your family dynamic, but it's never too late. In my case, it has paid off in unexpected ways. I went from being the kid sis and youngest daughter- who's opinion was often discounted and who could be guilted into anything- to more of a team member on the family board of directors. With our parents aging and some big decisions cropping up as to their future care, etc, this has been a really good thing- both my mother and MIL are at a point in their lives where they need help and they accept that maybe I actually do have some good ideas and their best interests at heart. It sounds like your wife and you will probably be the caregivers when your MIL needs it, so now would be an excellent time to start standing your ground and letting those brothers know you won't play this destructive game anymore. When MIL finds out it's actually a lot let stressful than just pretending like everything's hunky-dory, she'll be a lot happier as well.

Well, if she wants to continue engaging in the crazymaking, then there's not much you can do about it other than keep the responsibility for her participation firmly in her realm. It's always difficult when someone is trying to live up the expectations of others (especially a parent) when those expectations are not entirely reasonable. Your wife may eventually come to the realization (and acceptance) that she doesn't need to jump in and do everything her Mom expects her to do.

Would that it were so now, NA....you have no idea.