Dear Freaky Tiki,

Thank you for writing to us and expressing your interest in our music festival. We welcome your support and hope you to continue to enjoy the music we offer.

We would like you to consider becoming a premium member, for the low price of $119.95

(billed bi-weekly to your credit card. May not be cancelled at any time prior to rapture).

Becoming a Premium Member will allow you receive advanced notice for all of our upcoming concerts and special discounts on tickets (when purchased in quantities of 6 dozen or more).

Again, thank you for your support. We'll turn the volume up a little for you tonight to show our appreciation.

Sincerely,
Christian Music Festival

Damn you SonShine!!!!

Dear Peggy:
Had I bothered to keep track of this information, I would now know: your full name, your address, what kind of dog you have, who his vet is, and when he needs shots, the make and model of your car, as well as when it is due for service, the name of your SO and the name of his proctologist, the name of someone you know who died, that you volunteer for market research studies for extra cash, your approximate age, and now, the latest tidbit from today's answering machine message, your occupation.

I would be scared if someone were getting this amount of information about me. People who call you leave TMI on the answering machine. I'm past annoyance and have since become amused at this, but come on. The proctologist?

It's been my number for years now. Enough is enough.

Dear Amazon.com:

Please don't tell me a book is available, and that I can have it shipped to me in 2 days, getting my hopes up, if you're only going to send me a confirmation email that contradicts you, claiming that it won't even ship until after the 26th.

Love,
Eliza Hodgkins 1812

Dear Americans,

When are you going to sell the rights to LOST and SURVIVOR to Australian television stations, in order that they can have the program THE SAME WEEK as the Americans, and be able to read threads on chat boards in synchronicity.

Yours Lostfully,
Lashbear.


AND


Dear Channel 7,

Why the hell don't you play LOST and SURVIVOR in the same weeks as the Americans.

I hate hearing who won Survivor before I've watched it. I also hate hearing that Libby is dead before she dies even though I know it's my fault for reading the lost thread when I shouldn't have

Also, How come you can show ET episodes that give away who won Survivor even though you're showing episodes of the actual survivor show weeks behind. Yor all a pack of Poo Poo heds.

Yours behind,
Lashbear

Dear Indi,

Thomas the Train is boring boring boring. I know we don't watch movies very often, but when we do, can it please be something Pixar? Or at least Disney? I don't have this huge collection for nothing. I mean, come on, the stupid train is barely even animated. I do like it when Alec Baldwin narates, though.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Kovacs.

Please don't die while Amy is watching you.

No, revise that.

Please don't die when ANY of us are taking care of you.

Love,

Your dog sitter (the one who pokes you with needles).

Dear child of mine,

A shower and washing your hair isn't considered cruelty under the Geneva Convention. Just shut up and go do it for gods sakes.

Love you, (well most of the time)
Mommy

Dear CA,

Stop being so expensive.

Dear Apartments,

I realize that we pay a premium for living in Orange County, but don't you think it's a tiny bit unreasonable to charge $1200 for a 400sqft studio?

And while you're at it, for the prices you are charging it is not unreasonable to expect that the property will be maintained.

Signed,

A Prospective Renter

Dear BTD,

Buy a mobile home :)