What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?

Why did the golf foursome of Monica Lewinsky, Oj Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton do so poorly at the golf tournament?

What do women and dog poo have in common??

How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

How are gynecologists and pizza delivery boys alike?



What is the difference between a sin and shame?



One more for now...

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied,

"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

:D

Both of these arrive via Quint on Ain't It Cool news

A guy is in a bar. He's so drunk he throws up all over himself. He tells the bartender, "What am I doing? When I go home my wife's going to kill me..."

The bartender puts twenty dollars in his shirt pocket and says, "Go home and tell your wife you were in a bar and a guy came up... he was drunk, threw up all over you, but put $20 in your shirt pocket."

He goes home, walks in and his wife says, "Look at you. You threw up all over yourself!"

He goes, "Honey, a guy got drunk and threw up on me and he put $20 in my shirt pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out $40 and says, "What's the other $20 for?"

He says, "He shït in my pants, too!"

_____________________________________


There's a burning building. In the burning building there's a lesbian couple and a gay couple. Who gets out first?

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.

He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

"Andy Dick is so gay that his Chapstick is co-ck flavored."
~ Lisa Lampanelli

:D

I love her.

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"