Feeling goofy - post your favorite lame jokes here
 

Why did they cancel the leper football game?



Why did they cancel the leper hockey game?



Why did they cancel the leper basketball game?

Did you hear about the leper cowboy?

Are you taking those narcotics again? ;)

Actually, I am quite amazed at how long it is taking my body to metabolize completely the ones I did take.

This thread needs Tramspotting.

Me, I never remember jokes, but I love hearing them. :)

Once upon a time the Carrot family was taking a walk. There was Mama Carrot, Papa Carrot, and Baby Carrot. The Carrot family was enjoying the fresh air and their time together when suddenly, out of nowhere, a car came skidding around the corner, ran right over poor Papa Carrot, and drove off without stopping.

"Oh no!" cried Baby Carrot.

"Oh dear!" cried Mama Carrot.

The ambulance came and whisked Papa Carrot off to the hospital. Mama Carrot and Baby Carrot waited anxiously in the waiting room for new of poor Papa Carrot's condition. Finally, the doctor came out to speak with them.

"Well," said the doctor to Mama Carrot, "I have good news and bad news."

"Tell us!" exclaimed Mama Carrot. "How is Papa Carrot?"

"The good news," said the doctor, "is that Papa Carrot is going to live. The bad news is that he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and smiles at the grasshopper. "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper's eyes brighten. "Really? You have a drink named Pete!?"

Three guys walk into a bar.

Which is pretty funny, because you figure after the first two had knocked themselves out the third would have gotten a clue.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Not a joke, per se, but something that happened long ago on....gosh, drawing a blank on the name of the show....hosted by Groucho Marks.

A lady was being introduced and she mantioned she had 11 kids.

"11 kids??? Are you crazy?" asked Groucho.

"No, I just love my husband," she replied.

"Well," Groucho repsonded, "I like my cigar a lot but I take it out every once in a while."

I presume that was "You Bet Your Life" you're thinking of?

Judge: Mr. Mouse, I'm sorry but insanity is not grounds for divorce in the State of California.

Two statues stood in the park, lovers forever separated, but each reaching for the other. One bright morning an angel looked down from heaven and was struck by the beauty and pathos of their plight. She decided to grant them each life for a short period, permitting them to commune together if just for a few brief moments. In an instant, it was done. Life, but for an houir.

A raised eyebrow and a shy smile later, they both rushed off into the bushes beside the path from whence began much giggling and shaking of brush.

With sheepish grins, they appeared back on the path. The angel said "But children, you have a few more moments to be together. Your hour is not up. Use this time for it is all you will have".

"Cool" exclaimed the boy statue, and then to his lover "but this time, you hold the pigeon down, and I'LL sh*t on its head"

Yes, indeed it is.

4 baseball fans are standing together at the edge of a cliff. A Yankees fan, a Red Sox fan, a Cardinals fan, and a Cubs fan. The Red Sox fan says "I'm going to show you what a great Red Sox fan I am", and he jumps over the cliff. Not to be outdone, the Yankees fan says "I'll show him what a great Yankees fan I am" and he jumps over the cliff. Well not to be out done by either of these teams fans, the Cubs fan says "Oh yeah I'll show them what a great Cubs fan I am" and he picks up the Cardinal's fan and throws him over the cliff.

Why do the honeydew and watermelon have to get married?

One of my all time favorites:

Why was six afraid of seven?

What's the difference between a grape and a chicken?

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Here's a lame one .......
 

Why did Michael Jackson go to KMart ?

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"




Ok, this next one is slightly tasteless so I'll spoiler the whole thing. I hope it doesn't offend anyone.

Ask and you shall receive...


So this city guy moves out to rural Montana to get away from it all. And two days after his arrival, his neighbor shows up at the front door. Total outdoors-man, cow-punching looking dude. He waits a beat and says, "So ah reckin there should be a welcome to the nayberhood git together for ya."

The city guy is delighted, as he didn't quite know how he would fit in.

His new neighbor continues "But I gotta warn ya, there's gonna be some heavy drinking." "Thats fine with me in-fact I enjoy a good whiskey" says the new arrival." "There's probably gonna be some fighting and fvckin as well." the neighbor added.

"Hey no, it's fine thats why I came out here - to cut loose! What should I wear?"

"Don't rightly matter," says the cowpuncher, "just gonna be the two of us."

A woman sees a funeral procession: a hearse followed by a woman in black walking a dog, followed by another hearse with a long line of women following the second hearse. She asks the woman in black what's going on.

The woman tells her: That's my husband in the hearse in front. His mistress is in the hearse back there. My dog killed them both.

The first woman asks: Can I borrow your dog?

The widow replies: Get in line.

2 men walk into a bar,

Two atoms are walking down the street.

First atom: "Damn, I lost and electron!"
Second atom: "Are you sure?"
First atom: "Yes, I'm positive."

And a totally tasteless knock knock joke:

A papa tomato, and mama tomato, and a baby tomato were walking down the street.
The baby tomato falls behind, so the papa tomato goes back and stomps on the baby tomato and says..."ketchup!!"

are you all from the same team?

Lol- I got LOTS of blonde jokes- people feel strangely compelled to tell them to me.:rolleyes:

Joke #1: It was a normal day in Metropolis, Superman was out flying around, when suddenly the unexpected. He flys past an open window, and sees Wonder Woman inside on her bed, buck naked with her legs spread wide open.

Superman, being faster than a speeding bullet, thinks to himself "Ya know, I could zip in there, have my way with her and zip out before she realizes what happened."

Sure enough, in through the window, bam bam bam, zip on out through the window.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, "what the hell was that?"
The invisable man responds, "I dunno, but my ass sure is sore."

Joke #2: A gal keeps falling asleep in church, and her husband is real embarassed about it. So he goes to the priest and asks him what to do. The priest says, "Next week, while I'm talking to the congregation, if she starts to fall asleep poke her in the leg with a needle. I'll make sure she doesn't make herself look stupid."
So the next week she starts falling asleep in church, and simultaneously the priest is on stage. He said, "Who taught us to love our neighbor?"
He pokes her and she screamed, "JESUS CHRIST!"
The priest nodded and said, "You are right, Jesus taught us that. And who is it that delivered us to the promise land?"
His pokes her once again and she yelped, "GOD!"
"Correct again", said the priest. "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore her 99th child?"
He pokes her and finally she gets up and yells, "You stick that goddamed thing in me one more time I'll break it and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen", replied the congregation.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in cherry trees! Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

Of course not; it works!
______________________
Hickory Dickory Dock
Three Mice ran up a clock
The clock struck one
and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
_______________________
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino.
_______________________
What's brown and sticky?

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

How do you get a unique rabbit?



How do you catch a tame rabbit?

What is a criminal lawyer?



What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a demon from hell?



What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?



How many lawyer jokes are there?

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish?

And just for Wendybeth :)

Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies?

I found this one in my e-mail:

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and led him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him. After their lovemaking she led him downstairs where she prepared an exquisite dinner for him. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Dinner was my idea."

Lol!

Usually, I just wash them.;)

How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?



What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead snake in the road?



TB or not TB, that is the question.
Cunsumption be done about it?
Of corpse, of corpse,
But not for a lung, lung time.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are expecting and at the OB/GYN office.

The brunette was excited. "When we did it, my husband was on top, so we're having a boy."

The redhead was also excited. "Well, when we did it, I was on top, so we're having a girl."

Suddenly the blonde bursts into tears. The others ask what is wrong. She exclaims "I'm going to have a puppy!"

Why are all blonde jokes one liners?

I know what's missing here...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front door step?



What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your pool?



What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Can't forget the

Yo Momma's soooo... (genre)

Fat that








Ugly that





Teeth are so yellow that





Stupid that

What does a Lion in the desert and Christmas have in common? .

What do do you yell from your car to a one legged man on the street?

My two favorite things to do in the bathroom:

Why can't elephants ride a bike?

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?



Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?



Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?


_______________________________

I can't remember the good jokes. Just lame-assed crap like this.

If the kitchen's in the house, and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana?

WARNING: Use of racial slur ahead...


Why is the Chinese army known as the most vulnerable in the world?

This one sometimes takes people a few minutes. It is horribly tasteless and somewhat raunchy. I should probably just go ahead and apologize beforehand.

What do you call a mexican prostitute with no legs?



(hey, can I help it that all the jokes I seem to remember are tasteless?)

Huh? I don't get it. :)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He sees from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the bank manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.... "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

An elderly couple is driving down the highway. The gentleman driving notices a state trooper is behind him with his lights on so he pulls over.

Trooper: How are you folks today?

Old woman: Whaatt?!

Old man: (loudly) He asked how we are doing today! You'll have to excuse my wife officer, she's a bit hard of hearing.

Trooper: Thats fine. I see from your liscence plates you folks are from Florida.

Old woman: Whhaat?!

Old man: (loudly) He says he sees we're from Florida!

Trooper: Had the worst piece of ass I've ever had in Florida.

Old woman: Whaatt?!

Old man: (loudly) He says he thinks he knows you!!

Rocket Rods

What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?




How many software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fair warning here. This is the grossest joke I know.



What is the definition of gross?

Waking up the morning after with a lump in your throat...

How are men like hard wood floors?

What do a tornado in Oklahoma and a divorce in West Virginia have in common?

Hey! I read Sports Illustrated too! :D

Yep. That's where I got it.

Why don't Southern women like orgies?


:D

A Navajo woman was driving her truck down the road one afternoon and saw another Navajo woman hitchhiking with a brown paper bag. She pulls over and lets her in. After a couple of minutes she asks "What's in the bag?" The hitchhiking woman responds "A bottle of wine I got for my husband." The driver reflects for a moment then says "Good trade."

Okay, I was reminded tonight of possibly the geekiest joke ever told. And, I'm almost ashamed to admit...I made it up. Ready? No, you're not, trust me.




What do guests at Jabba the Hutt's palace wear to keep their shirt clean if they are served an especially messy piece of fish?





If you don't get it...consider yourself lucky.

GD, I don't get it, but I want to damnit. Does it require a deep and meaningful understanding of Star Wars or a dirty mind? I lack the former.

UPDATE: Oh I got it, I just googled some key words and found the answer.... esoteric, it is. <lovingly pets Google>

I would have written the answer this way:


Any time he tells this joke I die laughing. Especially last night when I couldn't think of the damn name and he got to tell it again.

Hickory dickory dock
Three mice ran up a clock
The clock struck one
and the other two escaped with minor injuries

I almost ashamed to admit it, but I got (and laughed at) GD's joke immediately...

Once upon a time there was a monastry and every morning the chief Monk came
in and chanted "Good Morning", and all the other monks chanted back
"Morning".

One day, a new monk arrived at this monastry, and the chanted morning
greeting and reply were entirely new to him. But as this monk had a sense
of humor, he decided see if he could have some fun with this.

The next day, when the chief Monk came in and chanted "Good Morning", and
all the other monks chanted back "Morning", the new monk at the back chanted
"Evening."

Whereupon the chief monk chanted. "Someone chanted evening. He must be a
stranger!"

I personally love this one, and I don't think it "lame" at all. I do apologize in advance for the length of it. I think the pay-off is worth it. Enjoy!
-----------------------

One morning, John hurries into the office, apparently quite flustered. Then he confides in his friend Frank at the water cooler.

JOHN: Oh my goodness, I had a most embarrassing time on my way to work this morning. I had the worst Freudian slip ever at the train station.

FRANK: What's a Freudian slip?

JOHN: Well... you know, when you end up saying what you're really thinking about, instead of what you really meant to say.

FRANK: I don't get it. How do you mean, mate?

JOHN: Like this, so I was at the train station getting my ticket this morning, and there was this new girl with epic tits working at the booth. I meant to say "One for Tuttingham, please," but I blurted out "... TIT-ingham" instead. Utterly embarrassing!

FRANK: Oh I get it now! That's pretty funny, alright!

---

The next morning, again at the water cooler, Frank runs up to John and exclaims...

FRANK: John!! Guess what?! You know that Freudian slip thing you told me about? Well I had one of my own this morning!

JOHN: Oh yeah, what happened?

FRANK: Well I was eating breakfast in the kitchen, and then my wife walked in. I meant to say "Good morning, honey!" but instead, I said, "You've ruined my life you stupid bitch!"

JOHN: ...

These last 2 are especially giggly to me. I will be singing Some Enchanted Evening for a few days while I ponder the phrase "epic tits".

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 a.m. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went
through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

A knight and his men return to their castle after a
long, hard campain.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing
and pillaging on your behalf all month, burning the
towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies
to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

I have a couple of burenette jokes

what do you call a burnette in a room full of blondes?



who makes bras for burnettes?


there's more, but some of them are kind of mean....

here's a dirty joke...kind of...I knew it in 5th grade...LOL..

A woman brought a very limp duck to a vet, so he took out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment the vet shook his head, "I'm so sorry, but your duck is dead."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure, the duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him. Maybe he's in a coma or something."

The vet left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. Then, with sad eyes, he looked at the vet and shook his head.

The vet went out again and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed at the bird. Then it meowed softly, shook its head, and strolled out of the room.



The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this duck is definitely dead." Then he turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill.



"$1,500!" she cried, "just to tell me my duck is dead?"

"I'm sorry", the vet replied. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan........"

Two men walk into a bar.......

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?



How do you catch a unique rabbit?



How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."

This is the lamest joke of all time so I have to tell it


What did the bird say when it flew inside a K-mart?

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.





It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Very good one, Prudence-lol!

If you get this one, hang your head in shame for you are a NERD! (and yes, my head is hanging). It's for the Java geeks out there...

Two ints and a Float are in a bar. They spot an attractive Double on her own. The first int walks up to her. ``Hey, baby'', he says, ``my VM or yours''. She slaps him and he walks back dejected. The second int walks over. ``Hey, cute-stuff, can I cook your Beans for breakfast''. After a quick slapping, he too walks back. The Float then ambles over casually. ``Were those two primitive types bothering you?'', he remarks. ``Yes. I'm so glad you're here'', she says. ``They just had no Class!''

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Why can't computer programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?

if it takes a hen and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half
then how long would it take a rooster to lay a doorknob?


give up??

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

What do you call a fly without wings?

There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called the Steppers.

At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.

Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus.

As they rode down the highway, you could hear their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.

At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and its name was Peter.

That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the
Steppers still having their party. But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by
hunters.

He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus.

The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.

The next day, the headline in the paper read.......

"Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers"

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to speak to the first man he sees and the man pipes up: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need not start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

The Englishman turns to the doctor accompanying him on the visit and asks what sort of ward this is. A psychiatric ward?

"No, No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."

A man goes into a butcher's shop and sees the display cabinet is held up by
pigs' trotters.

He says to the butcher, "Are those REAL pigs trotters?"

And the butcher says...

"No, they're counterfeit!"

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?