Dear:
 

Arizona, stop sucking.

Dear Washington, stop trying to suck me in with your temperate weather and your constant job offers. It's not going to happen.

Dear Nutty Family, If you call me and I don't answer my cell phone, chances are I didn't hear it ring or was otherwise busy. If you keep calling, texting, paging, and leaving messages, I will assume you are crazy and avoid you like the plague for four days. I will not call you back more quickly because you are frantically trying to get ahold of me for no good reason.

Dear neighbors, please stop mowing your lawn more than we do. You're making us look bad.

Dear LoT, you rock. Don't change.

Dear baby, please stop pressing keys while I'm typing. It's annoying.

Dear politics, you are boring and pointless. Leave me alone already.

Dear readers, add your own "dear _____" in the following posts.

Dear tracilicious,

Come visit our temperate weather! There are many exciting job opportunities!

Love,

Citizens of Washington

Dear asswipe in the piece of sh!t pick-up behind me on the freeway, my car is not very tall and I know that you can see the gas tanker in front of me with the "flammable" placard prominently displayed. I have no interest in smashing my vehicle into the back of a gas tanker so that you can get to your destination some fraction of a second earlier. Please stop trying to climb into my truck. Shouldn't you be off fvcking small forest animals and shooting at beer bottles? Get your piece of crap conveyence off the freeway and find some place where civilized people don't have to look at your sorry in-bred excuse for a face.

No love,
Me.

Dear stoned asswipe driver:

If you drive 55 in the fast lane, the cops will know that something is wrong with you. Get a clue or get out of the fast lane.

Love,

70 mps.

Dear person who hit my brand new car,

If you run into someone in the parking lot, leaving a huge black smear across their front bumper, please leave your contact information.


Thank you,

Driver who must now pay $500 for a paint job and a new headlight cover thingy.

Dear MBC,

Please look next time before you place a 44 ounce beverage down on a coaster. Make sure that all of the cup is on the coaster so that it doesn't tip over and cause a waterfall of Diet Pepsi to cascade down from the coffee table.

Sincerely,
Your white carpet

Dear Wendy,

Wtf were you thinking? How long did you think I was going to last with all you savages shedding and spilling and puking up furballs all over the place? I used to be a lovely shade of lightest sage- now I look like a Dalmatian with the flu. Piss off- I'm moving in with MBC.

Sincerely,
Your ex-carpet.

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you

Dear Prudence won't you come out to play

Dear Prudence open up your eyes
Dear Prudence see the sunny skies
The wind is low the birds will sing
That you are part of everything
Dear Prudence won't you open up your eyes?

Look around around
Look around around around
Look around

Dear Prudence let me see you smile
Dear Prudence like a little child
The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again
Dear Prudence won't you let me see you smile?

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out and play

Look around around
Look around around around
Look around

We can work it out....

(Alanis song. I always think of this when I see Prudence's name & when I saw the title of this thread. :) )

P!nk
 

Dear Fellow Employees: Start sticking to the work schedule and asking for the days you need off. Stop relying on me to cover your shifts. I'm getting sick of working 7 in the morning to ten at night.

Dear Boss: Give me a raise, and start paying me overtime even though you technically don't have to because my hours are split among my three jobs in the same place.

Dear GC:

You do know that's a cover of a Beatles song, right?

Dear CM,
I do now.
:)

Dear
 

Italy soccer

Thank you for showing the world that cheaters do in fact win. Your drama queen dives and hometown betting scandal have certain highlighted what outstanding people you are. You will be great role models for all of those aspiring divers moving up the ranks.

The game you play is not joga bonito.

Dear refs,
Stop giving red cards for things you saw on a replay. That's cheating.

Dear France,

Please dispose of Zidane in some horrible painful manner (but please, be sure to film such disposal).

Dear body,

Please stop aging. You tire far much more easily than you did a few years ago and it is mentally disturbing. Even as I exercise you more, you have less and less stamina. No, viagara will not solve the problems I am referring to, for all you mean spirited readers of my letter.

SCAEagles

After watching the dives, crying, shenanigans, cheating, whining, and downright brutality, particularly on the video I saw of Zidane, it is no wonder soccer fans riot. While I am often disgusted by the attitudes of US professional athletes, I can't recall seeing anything like that Zidane thing, and the overall mentality of international soccer players is worse.

Dear Scaeagles,

Ditto!!!

Yours conservatively,
Rush L.

To derail further, I honestly don't blame Zidane for what he did. It wasn't a good move, but the fact that he was ejected for it is, as MF stated above, total BS.


Dear wireless internet provider, Why do you suck? I want to shop Target online.

Dear rain, go away. Come again another day. I want to go for a walk.

In continuing with such derail, may I inquire as to why you do not blame him? As a coach of HS athletics, I don't care what someone is doing to you. You simply don't respond that way. Any kid who did that with me wouldn't see time the rest of the season, and this guy is an adult.

Start a new thread. Did you watch the game? Did you watch the whole tournament?

Dear Fresno,

Please turn the heat down a little. 104 degrees - I'm melting here. (Thank the Goddess for AC!)

Thank you,
A traveller who isn't out exploring your lovely city for fear of spontaneous Combustion.

Dear Disney,

Yes, your sequel did well. That does not mean we want to see 'Cinderella 3'...

Sincerely,
Me

Dear people NOT in Anaheim at the moment....we all miss you.

Love,

26 Lotters

Dear people IN Anaheim.

We miss you too.


Sincerely, those not in Anaheim.

Dear NA,

Why are you posting instead of being at DL with the visitors?

SCA

Dear people at DL,

My aim is improving rapidly... :evil:

Dear people in Anaheim,

Oh yeah? Well, I am watching TV!

Signed,
Stuck in Smallbany

Dear Scay-guls

She WAS with the visitors - hanging out in the AP lounge listening to Jimmy the Storyteller

Dear LoT'ers who thought of us in the midst of your Swanking:

Thank you- we really miss you all, too, and were very sad to not be there.:(

Hope it was fun!:cheers:
Wendy, the out-of-towner

Dear Wendybeth,

Sorry we left you alone to babysit the conservatives today. Hope they weren't too much trouble. ;)

Sincerely,
The liberal Lot

Dear Mr. Burns,
I'm so glad you enjoyed my son’s blood, and your card was just great! In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic! YOU STINK! You are a senile, bucktoothed, old mummy, with boney girl arms, and you smell like an Elephant's butt!
Homer Simpson

Dear:
 

IT people,

Why is the timesheet web app still not working on Monday? I need to enter my hours and sign it so I can get paid. In addition, why do you never communicate when critical applications are down and how soon they will be fixed? Moreons!

Signed,
Case of the Mondays

Dear GC,
Let your happy side win more often.
Signed,
GC

Dear Stan4dSteph's IT people,
Maybe you should meet up with my IT people as our Time Admin Upgrade failed testing and was not implemented today as predecited.
There are people who need to get paid. Maybe, between all of you, we can make some progress.

Signed,
Another case of the Mondays

Dear Gemini Cricket,

Dear Prudence is a Beatles song.

Sincerely,
The 60's

Dear Ghoulish Delight,

Please be kind enough to read entire threads before replying.

Thank you,
The LoT

Dear Users,

It is never the fault of IT.

Signed,
An IT professional:)

Dear Landscape crew,

It's 8:45. Why aren't you here yet? I have to go to work.

Your pal,

Andrew

Dear GD,
Who are the Beatles?
Sincerely,
GC

:D

Dear Users,

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps the IT department has a lot to do? Even though your problems are important, there is a good chance that there are also a million other problems that are important too. It is difficult to get everything done when everyone needs it because we are only one person. Also, it is not the IT departments job to help move your computer when you move your desk five times. Nor is it IT's job to fix the soda machine. Also, please stop glaring at me like, "you get paid way too much to not have my stuff done immediately." I also work a heck of a lot more hours and have a lifetime acquiring the specialized knowledge I use to complete a wide variety of functions that enable this office to run. You make $10/hour because you answer the phone. That's important too, but still, stop acting like you are my boss. You're not.

Signed,
Wife of an IT guy.

Dear Indi,

Thanks for saying my eyes are like stars. That's the nicest compliment I've gotten in a while. Elaborating to say they are like planets and balls was a bit less flattering. Saying my nose is like cars and my mouth is like a glass of water...well, I'm just not sure what to think about that.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Munchkin,

You're adoreable, and we love you. But if you scratch at the bedroom door at 5AM one more time, I'll have your balls cut off.

Love,
Sleepy

Dear IT Widow,
When it is just my problem, I do sympathize with IT and they get to me when they get to me.
When they are meant to do a system wide upgrade over a weekend, and tell EVERYONE to be ready on Monday, therefore no OT on the weekend... yeah well... I'm a little disgruntled. But I will live.
PS, the IT guys dont make enough for me to want the headache of their jobs.

Sincerely,
Payroll

Dear Fire Department, Alarm Company, and Security:

I appreciate your readiness to save our warehouse from burning to the ground, but certainly there must be an easy way to call off the emergency response mechanism when one simply burns some toast.

Embarrassed Employee who should have made some coffee first

Dear Sleepy,
I'm calling PETA.
Signed,
Leftie Wingnut
:D

*highfive*

damn right....well, ok, SOMETIMES....its our fault. however 99 times out of 100, its because we actually listened to the users.

****

Dear God....

Whats up with the platypus anyway?

Dear Embarrassed Employee who should have made some coffee first,
I know how late you were up last night. I just wanted to make sure you were awake this morning.
~ The Toaster

Dear piece of paper:

How I love you so. So tasty, so chewy, and you make that fun rattly sound when I try dig at you. I'll be eternally grateful that my caretakers left you on the carpet for me to find.

I'm off to rattle the vertical blinds, back soon.

Love,
Munchykin

Dear Ponine,

I hope it didn't seem like my post was a reply to your post. It was merely inspired by. I'm sure your IT guys are idiots. :p I should probably also mention that although my IT husband adores his job and everyone there worships him (except for a former secretary and a few pompous agents that think he is their personal slave), he doesn't make enough money for me to want his job either. ;) My post was purely for humor and not because I am disgruntled in any way with any users.

Sincerely,
Tracilicious

Dear Laundry,
You are my b!tch. That is all.

Dear Husband,

You are amazing. How is it that in spite of that you have only once managed to give me a decent gift in five years of marriage? If you don't deliver this October on our anniversary, I swear I will burn every single one of your pancakes on every Sunday morning for the rest of your life.

Love,
Wifey

Dear Munchykin,
If Glenn Close comes to visit daddy... run!

Dear Bus Driver from Mexico-

Although I realize that since you are a bus and carrying more than one person technically makes you qualify for the carpool lane, driving 45mph billiowing deisel fumes on the 800 cars stacked up behind you does not.

Please get the hell over.

Sincerely,
Road Rage Driver who now has potential lung cancer from all the exaust

Dear wives everywhere,

The only gift you need is the honor of our presence.

Lovingly,
Husbands

Dear Scaeagles,

Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! HAAHAHAHAHAAAA!! LOLOLOLOL!

Haha,
Wives

Dear tracilicious,

See? The gift of laughter is a wonderful gift.

SCA

Dear Tracilicious,
Duly Noted.
However, I would have totally understood if you were disgruntled with the users.

~ Ponine.

Ps, hows my buddy the runaway cell phone?

Dear Barfbag,
Here's a deposit after reading Leo's post.
Signed,
Nauseous
:rolleyes: :D

Dear Landscape people,

Even if today was a scheduled (or unscheduled) off day while you assemble materials off-site, it would have been nice to let me know beforehand rather than waiting until I called you.

Your somewhat annoyed, but still friendly pal,

Andrew

Dear husbands,

Would you like a BJ?

Sorry.

Sweetly,
the Wives.

Dear Children:

I know that someday you will be the fearless leaders of the free world, but for today could you PLEASE just clean up your own messes without having to be repeatedly threatened.

Dear moonliner,

Word.

SCA

Dear pregnant woman in the carpool line,

Having a bun in the oven does not qualify as an additional passenger—get the frell out of the diamond lane!

Signed,
All Freeway Drivers

Dear SM,

I have never loved you. I only have eyes for GC.

Wally Szczerbiak

Dear LoT,

Where did the words 'frell' and 'frelling' come from? I only see it here.

What the frell,
GC :)

Dear GC,

Wikipedia is your friend.

Your pal,

Andrew.

Andrew,

Oh, it's a 'Farscape' thang.

Signed,
Never saw 'Farscape' Ever GC

Dear Scaeagles,

Middle- aged white guys are not allowed to use the word 'word' in the context that you did in your letter to Moonliner. Please refrain from doing so in the future.

Word to your momma-

Dr. Hakim Jones
Professor of Language- Ebonics Studies
Howard University

Dr. Jones,

No more parachutes!

Signed,
Short Round

:D

Dear Evolution,

Would it have been so difficult to allow humans to evolve needing merely 2 fewer hours of sleep? 2 hours is all I need for my days to feel long, productive, and fulfilling. If I could get by on 6 hours of sleep, everything would be awesome. But no, I've got to make do with a mere 16 hour waking day. Evolution, you've failed me again.

Yours,
GD

Dear Pookie,

Your belly is adorable. Thank you for showing it to me repeadly this morning.

Love always,
Mommy,

Dear GD:

Evolution might let you down, but rest assured Big Pharma won't.

wurd :snap:

That is a slight that did not go unnoticed on my end. However, sometimes the truth hurts. I'm almost 38, and I think the average male life span is 75.

Sigh.

Hey, I was called "middle aged" in a magazine for Gods sakes. And this was said without knowing my real age (which may in fact BE middle aged, but I know I don't look my age.....or maybe I do.)

How many posts does it take to derail a thread on LoT?

Dear NA:

How long have you been calling Scaeagles "Pookie"?

Dear potential law review author:

Wikipedia is, indeed, a wonderful thing. However, it is not a reliable source you should cite as the one and only instance of support for the major premise in your article. If you can not find other support, your article sucks. One might even say that it per se sucks. I know I do. Take a reference class already, you ignorant slut.

No love,
Your R&T editor.

Dear Moonie,

A very long time!

Love,

The secret's out.

Dear Moonliner,

I think you are mistaken. She wasn't calling me Pookie. I know this because it wasn't my belly I was showing her this morning.

Dear Leo,

Ohhh baby!

Swoon,

Lisa

Dear Mr. Cricket,

I have no idea who you are and if you do not stop impersonating me, I will be forced to contact my lawyers.

If they fail to persuade you, SM and I will personally pay you a visit and teach you some respect. Remember, individually, SM and I are both a lot bigger than you. Our combined efforts would be devastating.

Signed,
The Actual Wally Szczerbiak

Dear cow-orkers:

Isn't it wonderful that our small-but-growing-fast Silicon Valley start-up provides free snacks? Wouldn't it be even more wonderful if most of you didn't have the manners of two-year-olds and actually cleaned up after yourselves, and closed or sealed the packages of the aforementioned snacks after removing the bits you want to eat? While we're at it, wouldn't it be still wonderfuller if you could understand that the doubly-aforementioned snacks are here for oll to enjoy, not just you (and you know who you are), and for you to refrain from taking every single one of the FunSize™ Twix and KitKat bars as soon as they come in?

Your annoyed co-worker,

Andrew

Dear LoT:

Anyone have an update on how our little Snowflake is doing?

Dear Zapppop,

Have you made preparations for the big day? Do you expect that it'll be a squeaker, or perhaps a silent one, or will that be a surprise even to you? Will you be using any performance enchancing substances, such as beans, egg salad, or chili?

I wish you luck in this, your latest venture.

Signed,
GD

Dear Scaeagles,
(And anyone else who happens to be 37)
I dont know about you, but I am not ready to be called middle aged. I have a hard enough time convincing people of my age, esp that it stretches past 30.

Please speak for yourself. :p

(Though I understand your argument. How's about we just say the median age is 90?)

~Ponine

Dear GD,

I have it on good authority that Zapppop is planning a 'run for the Border' in the very near future. I suspect this will greatly influence the outcome of his ......production. For the first time, I do not mind being in Spokane during a LoT event.

Yours, etc,
Wendy

Dear Ponine,

I have it on good authority that the median age for women is 110.

Love,

9 more years.

Dear Telemarketer,

No I don't want to know anything about a dentist in my area. And since I've hung up on you, oh say 100 times in the last week perhaps you would get the point that I don't want to.

And to the automated recording that has been calling every line in my office for months saying "Oh I'm sorry I dialed the wrong number" what the freck is your purpose? You don't even try to sell me anything. You do nothing but annoy the crap out of me.

Signed,
Annoyed Assistant

Actual Wally,

Get glasses.

Signed,
GC

:D

Dear Annoyed Assistant,

Here, try this.

it has worked wonders as far as curbing the number of twits ringing my number for no reason. since marketers are now allowed to call cell numbers as well, costing you your hard earned minutes they've recently become even more annoying.

tell a friend.

yours truly,
Formerly Annoyed.

Dear GC,

I am relieved I won't have to get all Julie Brown on your ass again*.

As for sphincter-boy, you and I need to have a little chat! :mad:

Love,
SzczerbiakManiac



*I wish I could link to that thread. :D

Dear SM,

That would be "His Sphincterness", thank you.

SCA

Dear overcritical people,

I know that whatever you most anticipated didn't live up to your expectations, but GEEZ! Can't you just let go and enjoy a good swashbuckle (onscreen or onboat) once in awhile?

Sincerely,
hypocritical especially during Oscar season

Dear Formerly Annoyed,

Your tactic works great at home but unfortunately you can't do it on business lines, which is where they are annoying me. At home I have caller ID and can avoid them (because apparently charities and political orgs are exempt so they can still drive you batty). Here at work we have no caller ID so I have to answer all the calls.

Thanks anyway.

Signed,
Still Annoyed

Dear Irvine Spectrum,

I sincerely hope you got your money back for the installation of the parking space counting system in your new parking structures. This weekend, I saw a prime example of sloppy coding, one that strongly hints at a sloppy job overall. It should embarass you, and the company that provided the technology, to have a bright red sign displaying the message, "There are LOT FULL spaces available on level 2."

I, myself, am not a programmer. To be honest, I rather dislike the exercies of programming. However, in the course of my job, I do a small amount of pseudo coding (namely batch and shell scripting). I write small scripts for my own use, the results of which are rarely if ever viewed by anyone other than myself. And yet, I always find the time to add the 3 or 4 lines of code that enure that messages such as, "Test Run 1 Times" or, "There are a total of NO FILES FOUND files in the directory" never appear. It's the most basic of edge case/error handling, and to see it in a professionally installed system for public consumption is shocking. I would like the name of the vendor from whom you purchased the above mentioned system, so that I may star as far away from their products and services as possibled.

Sincerely,
A DVT Engineer.

Dear in denial people,

Middle aged is between 40 and 60. Get over it.

Love,
She who won't mind aging

Dear Traci,

Talk to me in 20 years and assure me you're still singing the same tune.

Love,

Me.

Dear Beefy Goodness,

Yes. I will marry you.

Signed,

Subway Stalker.

technically, isnt middle aged the mid point between birth and death?

Dear Traci-

I am almost (three months shy) middle aged and I'm with you. Oh well. I would hate to be 19 again.

Singed,
The almost elderly and infirmed

Yes. So, you really won't know when your middle aged years were until you are on your death bed. :D

my point exactly :snap:

Dear Peggy,

Would you please start giving people your new phone number? I've been getting calls for you for three years now and it's starting to get old.

Signed,
New Owner of Your Discarded Phone Number

Dear paper - please write yourself
Dear LoT - I survived my first day of work and I think I'll go back tomorrow.

Dear LoT:

I miss you. I'm having withdrawals already. I just finished reading only 3 threads of the 20 I'd like to read and post on, and now realize my break is over.

Sadly,
CP :(

To all employees:

Due to an incident today, we must institute a no-toaster policy. In addition, you may not have toaster ovens, hot-plates, propane torches, or flame-throwers.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Management

P.S. With the hotplates, so go the coffeemakers. You're on your own.

Sincerely,
Management

P.P.S. MBC and SCAEgles will be promptly dismissed.

Dear Online Store,
When you say I should receive an email confirmation of my order within one hour, that email had better be there after three hours have passed. I've never ordered from you before and cannot access any record of my order, even on your website. Did I really buy anything? You're making me nervous. (And no, it didn't go into the spam folder; I checked that just in case.)

Sincerely,
Person who may not order from you ever again

Dear KatieSue-

If you wern't such a disorganized slob you would be able to find the missing CD's you've been looking for for the last two hours.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Friend

Dear Dumbass Commuters:

Please do not assume that just because the dumbass in front of you stopped at the freeway entrance meter light, even though the light was turned off, that you must as well. If the light is off, that means go. Thanks to the sheeplike stupidity of several dozen of you, it took 5 times as long to get onto the freeway than it should have.

Adding inslut to injury is the fact that today was the first day that the brand new second entrance lane, under construction for nearly a year, finally opened. What should have been the most effortless commute I've had in over a year instead made me late for work.

Idiots.

Sincerely,
Mr. Wheeler.

Dear MBC,

When I start beeping, that means my battery is running dangerously low and you should save your work.

Sincerely,
Your antiquated laptop.

PS: Sorry you weren't able to retrieve the updated story you had just spent the last 3 hours working on.



Argggggggghhhhhh!

Dear cable company:

My modem is dead. When I tell you I already re-set it, powered it off 6 ways from Sunday you should believe me. I do know what I am talking about.

Thank you

Dear Thank you,

Do you have a router as well as a modem? Probably a slim chance, but I've seen cases where a race condition will occur when the router and modem power up simultaneously.

DPR

Dear BTD,

Thank you for your inquiry. We value your continued support.

We will be happy to help you with your problem. Many problems can be solved by simply rebooting your modem. Please try this first and see if it corrects your issue. Let us know if we can be of further assistance.

Sincerely,
Customer support

(You forgot to add "Should it be necessary for a repairman to call at your residence, we will schedule the visit for between the hours of 8-5 PM, sometime next autumn." )

Ya. It was working just dandy until about a week ago then the router died (so said the cable company) so I bought a new one and everything works fine. Now I am trying to hook my TiVO up to my network and all heck broke loose, and while my network can aquire an address and I can get into my network wirelessly my modem is not showing any activity at all (and yes, it's on).

MBC, smack yourself upside the head for me :p

Dear Microsoft Word,

Thank you very much for including an auto-recovery feature.

Sincerely,
MBC

Dear Sanity,

Please hang on for a while longer. Only 4 more days and we'll be out of this charming little outpost of HELL.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Dear Penthouse Forum

I never thought I would be writing you, but...

But you certainly don't ACT your age!

Thank GOD!

Technically, middle age is when you start boinking the cute young assistant and driving a red Corvette.

It can occur many times in a life span.

Dear Katiesue,

Who is that tasty morsel pictured in your avatar? He looks familiar, but I can't place him.

I know who it is, but I'll let katiesue answer since you asked her.

oooooh...where do I get in line for that????? :D

You're a male- you've been in that line since the day you were born.

Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Dear Catastrophe Waitress
I'm sorry that you seem to have the weight of the world
over you
I cherish your smile
There's a word of
peace on your lips
Say it, and with tenderness I'll
cherish you

Dear Catastrophe Girlfriend
Dear
Catastrophe Girlfriend
I'm sorry if he hit you with a
full can of Coke
It's no joke
Your face is
bleeding
You'll soon be leaving this town to the
clowns who worship
No one but themselves
No one but
themselves

Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Dear
Catastrophe Waitress
I'm sorry if the kids hold you in
cool disregard
I know it's hard
Stick to what you
know
You'll blow them all to the wall
When they
realise what you've been working for
You've been
working for
You've been working for

Dear Wendybeth,
I have found myself once again standing in the wrong line.
If you would be so kind as to complete my order for the assistant, and the corvette (red would be preferred), I would greatly appreciate it.
If you are unable to accomodate my request, please assist me in finding the correct line.

CJ

Dear Bicyclists,
Can you just decide if you're a pedestrian or a vehicle? Make up your mind and get off the sidewalk while I'm walking. And you don't give me enough room to get around you on the road while I'm driving. Use the bike lane, dorkus. And wear a helmet, butt cake.
Signed,
GC

Dear Mr. Sun,

Please go away.

Sincerely,

Way too hot in all of the wrong ways.

Dear people on the board I moderate:

You are not twelve years old. You know how to argue without calling someone a "puke" or a "f u c k i n g :p " and I have seen you do it. And if you DO call someone a "puke" or a "f u c k i n g :p " then don't piss and moan to me when somebody else calls you something equally distasteful.

Respectfully,
Annoyed Moderator



Dear high school,

I though I left you behind at the insurance company. Must you follow me everywhere I go?

Seriously, STOP FOLLOWING ME.
LSPE

Dear LoT,
One of my favorite words is f u c k.
Signed,
GC Potty Mouth

Dear Cellphone,
You keep telling me I have a voice mail and I really don't. Stop lying to me or I'll let Frodo eat you.
Signed,
One Cingular Sensation

Dear Captain Jack,

Due to serious mistake on your part, the line you've requested is no longer accepting applicants. I hope you enjoy your new breast implants and tummy tuck.

Sincerely,
God

cc// Wendybeth

Dear JW Bear,

Michael Fassbender, plays Azazeal in the BBC America show Hex.

More here

He's dreamy, especially for a fallen angel . Andrew got it right!

Sincerely,
KatieSue

Dear God,

I'm so glad you called. Its good to see you're still around. I'd heard rumors to the contrary of late.

I however must take issue with the breast implants. While I am appreciative of the thought, I think if you check my records that was NOT the part I had requested augmentation of.

Please advise.

PS, the tummy tuck looks great.

I thought you could just make a call...?

Captain Jack,

While I appreciate that you are only human and occasional mistakes will be made, it's really not my fault that you find yourself in the wrong line. I am a very busy entity and don't have time to babysit- this is exactly the reason I gave you humans free will. How was I supposed to know you weren't going for the transgender option? Sheesh. As it stands, I am unable to comply with your request at this time. You may not realise this, but the Universe is a very fragile place where the slightest deviations from the design plans may have catastrophic results. Your desire to change lines so you can drive one of those little red death-traps would very likely disrupt the Space-Time Continuum and result in the complete destruction of Zyrtich, which as you know is the natural habitat of the endangered Spotted Triblit. Stop being so selfish.

To show I am not completely heartless, I will throw in a complimentary Botox session and fruit basket. Now, go away and stop bothering me.

Yours, etc,
God

THE DAMN LINE IS BUSY!

Dear me...


Where does the time go?

Dear write-on competition entrant:

Your analysis is hands down the best of the bunch. And the way you seemlessly moved through all the provided materials without making it look like you were just checking them off the list - just amazing. Not to mention the way you handled cased cited to but not provided in the closed universe!

So please explain to me why you apparently didn't bother to PROOF READ your submission? Why do sentences conclude without punctuation? Why do nouns not match their verbs?

You're really making my evaluation job difficult.

No love,
Me.

Dear Me,

Quit overanalyzing the job decision. Don't be a moron and take the damn thing.

SCA

Dear SCA,
Take the job.
Your conscience

This must be a fake. I know this because I have no conscience.

Doy, you're a Republican.


:D

Dear Sca:

Take a coin, heads you take the job, tails you don't.

Toss it high in the air. Before it hits the ground you'll know which side you want it to land on. Take that option.

Dear LoT,
Yes. Yes, I do actually work. I'm just not very good at it.
:D
GC

I was wondering who would post that first.
:)

Dear Online Store,
Thank you for making my order accessable on your website. However, that email you promised in one hour or less has still not arrived.


Dear Gmail,
Why, when I order things from online stores, do you not allow my confirmation emails through? Seriously, this is the second time this has happened. What gives?

And no, it's not in the spam folder. I already checked.

Signed,
Almost considering buying things in stores

Dear KatieSue,

Thanks!

Dear consistently late parents,

Once in a while I would like to not work until 7pm. I realize I do work at home and have my kids here with me, but there are times when I would love to get off earlier and get to go do something with them before 8pm. I realize I could change the hours that I am open, but that shouldn't be the issue when you get off at 3pm.

Sincerely,
Your faithful daycare provider

(Charge them $1 a minute overtime, B).


And from one appreciative parent who was NEVER late::cheers:

Dear teacher:

Please learn how to stop mumbling. And while you're at it, please learn to speak clearer English. I can barely understand you through your super thick accent. And stop being such a doodyhead control freak. The school policy on breaks is 15 minutes, not 10. Most teachers give us 20-30 and let us out early. Get a clue and don't hold us until the last possible moment just because you can. Here is a hint. A 4 hour class with one 15 minute break is a very long class, especialy when you cannot be understood.

Dear new job. I love you.

Dear BTD,

Yaaay! :cheers::D:cheers:



Wendy "It will all work out" La Gasse-Anderson

Dear ***hat hollyweird ****s,

Your idea of a rolling fast as a hunger strike is retarded.

Sincerely,

Name

Dear my new job, assuming you are my new job,

May I love you as well. I want to.

SCA

PS - Boo-ya, BTD!

Dear New Job Gods,
I need one now. I need to move on from this current one...
Signed,
GC

Dear weatherman,

I am sorely disappointed in your latest forecast. I thought we'd already discussed this topic at length and you had wisely decided against further such actions. The humid heat thing has got to go! Now you tell me theres more coming? Do you really WANT an a$$whoopin' that bad?

I would strongly advise you rethink your latest upcoming weather delivery. My operatives would prefer not to involve your family in this matter.

You have been warned.

GC,
After "Selecting All", don't confuse the following Gmail buttons in the Trash area of your email account: "Delete Forever" and "Move to Inbox".
Well, don't confuse them again....
Signed,
GC


My inbox has trash in it...

Dear Brain,
Please start remembering things.

Love,
Umm...uh....

Dear most users of PA systems and drive-through order-takers,

Please take the gawd damned microphone out of your mouth and articulate your words clearly.

Signed,
The poor slobs trying to decipher what the hell you're saying.

Dear 20,000 Christian Music Festival People Invading My Town: Go Home.

P.S. Upon further investigation I'm changing it to "Dear Over 25000 Christian Music Festival People"

Dear makers of Realemon Lemon Juice,

The use of "real" and "lemon" used in proximity to your juice offends me. This afternoon, I used it in place of a juiced lemon for my parents' lemon viniagrette recipe. Then I poured it on my Living Trail Mix from Jazzy Sprouts for lunch.

I just want to say that Lemon Pledge or Lemon Pine Sol has more in common with lemon flavor that realemon does. And might taste slightly better.

When life gives you lemons, don't chemically "enhance" the lemonade.
Sincerely,
LSPE

Dear self-important busy-body patron in the microfilm section of Suzzallo library:

I realize that in the many years since my job was to locate and print out articles from microfilm for off-campus patrons I have lost some of my dexterity and it now takes me a whole second to line up the notch on the reel with the bump on the spindle.

However, I don't think that required you springing from your seat halfway down the bank of readers and racing over to shout at me "You must be doing something wrong!!!"

It definitely did not require a mini lecture (as I tried to ignore you) on what will happen if I load the reel improperly.

Your parting shot that I need to learn how to read the instructions was entirely uncalled for.

I successfully navigated the first two reels; what made you think that the third was going to go terribly, horribly wrong?

Was your Cream of Wheat extra lumpy this morning? Did hooligans steal your favorite seat on the bus? Perhaps some spry young thing refused to let you cut in line at the corner market?

Go back to your conspiracy research and leave me the hell alone.

No love,
Me.

Dear Giovani Carrara,

First off, we appreciate all that you've done for the Dodgers. It really is amazing how you manage to elevate your game when playing for the Dodgers. You've pitched out of some tights spots as a reliever, and pitched well.

But what in God's name posessed you to throw that pitch to Jim Edmonds last night? Jim Edmonds hits pitches like that into the bleachers for a living, and he's been doing it for 13 years, so this can't be a surprise to you. You threw 8 pithces otuside, which is exactly where you should pitch to him in situations where he can hurt you. But pitch 9, you decide to get cute? With 2 outs, 1st base open, and a rookie who had already blown 2 bases loaded situations on deck? That's when you decide to try to come inside to Jim freaking Edmonds? Just walk him and work the rookie, you have nothing to prove. There's no shame in walking Jim Edmonds. If we were managing the team, you'd be fined for throwing that pitch.

- Sincerely,
Dodger fans everywhere

Dear GD,

I don't know the situation, but is it possible he didn't throw the pitch there on purpose and it was a control issue rather than a decision to challenge him?

A non-baseball fan

Nope, would have nailed the catcher's glove (had 24 or so ounces of wood not gotten in its way). He threw the pitch he wanted to.

Dear Floyd Landis.

You rock!

Love,
Adoring fan.


Dear Tour:

Thank you for being exciting - finally. It only took 11 stages, bit I'm willing to wait.

Love,

Not a Tour Posesur

Dear Allied Waste of San Mateo County,

Why do you have to be such obstinate bitches about everything? Isn't the sole reason for your existence to pick up trash and debris? How is it that, after we paid an outrageous $389 for you to drop off a 15 cu. yd. debris box in front of our house, you can't manage to pick it up on schedule a week later, and then when we call to find out (and have to leave a message because you don't answer your phones) we get a message back saying you don't have our address? Why do three separate groups of pick-up personnel (regular recycling, yard waste recycling, general trash) all refuse to take bagged yard waste? And why are you all so incredibly rude?

Sincerely,

The person who will be filing a complaint with your franchise authority as soon as I can figure out how.

(I used to coach the kids of the Allied Waste CEO. He has since been forced out of that position, if I recall.)

Dear Federal Express,

Could your website run any slower?

Sincerely,
Still Waiting

Dear Former Veteranary Clinic of choice:

I'm writing in regards to the debacle that was our attempt to get our rabbit, Munchkin, neutered this weekend. Thank you so much for the 6:40AM call to cancel today's appointemnt. Truly a wonderful way to start the morning.

Would it have killed you, however, to have checked the rabbit suregeon's work schedule a week ago, when my wife made the appointment? Or perhaps any of the days between a week ago and today? Like maybe yesterday, when you called to confirm the appointment. Is it really that hard to look at the schedule when taking appointments to see that the surgeon who knows how to perform the procedure won't be working the day of the appointment?

Here's what particularly concerns me. In the confirmation call yesterday, which I received on my answering machine, you instructed us to withold food from Munchkin starting at 10PM last night since he will be going under anesthesia. Now, I thought I had read that rabbits should NOT fast before surgery as the need for fasting arises from the risk of vomitting in cats and dogs, while rabbits do not vomit. In fact, it can be dangerous for rabbits to fast because it can cause they digestive system to shut down. But, I figured, you're the doctor, right?

After the call this morning, however, I'm kicking myself for not trusting my instincts. Clearly the receptionist who handled all this NEVER ACTUALLY TALKED TO THE DOCTOR! If she had, she'd know the doctor wasn't going to be working today. Most likely, she looked at the details of the procedure, saw "anesthetic", and went through her usual "make them fast" script for dogs and cats. And this from a clinic that claims to specialize in exotics, and who is recommended by pet rabbit societies! I confirmed my misgivings today with research from several different soucres that emphatically say not to fast a rabbit.

Due to the risk at which you put my beloved pet due to this lack of attention, I no longer feel comfortable coming to you for his care. And I may be contacting the rabbit societies that list you as a recommended clinic about this.

Sincerely,
Worried parents




[and yes, CP has already called and told them of our decission to switch, and why]

Dear GD/CP,

Why was I not included in this discussion? I have some thoughts on this issue that I would like to discuss with you.

Signed,

Munchkin

Dear Worried Parents:
This sort of thing happens when the doctor is a family practitioner, too. My first attempt to find a doctor in this state went similarly. I showed up for a standard blood test and was met with "have you been fasting?" and a receptionist that looked insulted when I said "of course not." I know from years of experience that I did not need to fast (if only they'd told me to over the phone, I would've been able to save myself some time and a co-pay). I concluded this doctor was not worthy and I moved on. I should have moved on before even meeting the guy.
Sincerely,
Patient who doesn't blindly trust doctors

Dear Lottery,

Please deliver a winning tickt to my door. I need to have central air install immediately as well as some shade landscaping done - plus, I'll have to play my electricity bils. So, if you could take care of that ASAP, I would be forever grateful.

Sincerely,

Not happy being hot.

Dear Charles,

Must you always walk in front of me when I am trying to go somewhere in the house? I DO know my way around this place and I promise not to get lost.

Or, if you MUST lead me, please walk a tiny bit faster. ok?

Love,

Impatient Mommy.

Dear LoT,

You guys all rock. Seriously. Health concerns, job issues, you're there. Good advice, funny as hell, intelligent, good peeps.

Affectionately,
Leo, scaeagles, skankles, shingles, skaygles, whatever you choose to call me

Dear Boris:

I shower (nearly) every morning. Have for years now. You've seen me do it. And I've survived every time.

I know that you're not fond of this sort of bathing, but I can't reach my bits with my tongue the way you can yours. I'll be fine. You don't need to attack me to save me from the shower. I like the shower.

love,
me.

Dear Prudence:

I think you're just not trying hard enough. If you'd just start responding to my strict disciplinary methods of training, I think you'll find you can reach with your tongue whatever you'll put your mind to. Just think of the marketability should you succeed!

Respectfully,
Boris

Dear Worried Parents,
Yes please, trust those instincts.
Sometimes the receptionist at the counter doesnt know what they are talking about and the doctor doesnt care to tell them.
Find a doc whom you feel deserves a vacation fund. THey are out there.

Sincerely,
Best friend of a practicing vet who was told they should not be taking time educating patients families on how to properly care for their animals, therefore would not be offered permanancy at the clinic.

Dear Dad,

What with the new brand of turkey? I like the other one better.

Love, Pookie.

PS. Why has Lyra decided she like turnkey now? Can you make it stop?

Dear Convoluted Performance Review Process:

How is it that once you were a one page form filled out by my boss indicating whether I met or didn't meet my job requirements, and now you are a 14 page monstrosity filled with vacuous repetative statements that I am forced to write, that even my boss will not read, and in the end will be entered into some automated tracking system as a one-digit numeric code indicating whether or not I met my job requirements?

Dear article author:

At the time you submitted your updated article, you had finished your second year of law school. And yet, you cited to the syllabus of a Supreme Court opinion, rather than the actual opinion. The syllabus, which clearly states: "The syllabus constitutes no part of the opinion of the Court but has been prepared by the Reporter of Decisions for the convenience of the reader." That means that you, the author, need to find the relevant parts of the actual opinion. You do not cite to the headnotes. I am doing way more work on this S&C than I should be.

I'm really wondering how it is that your article was selected. I'm glad the masthead won't specify which article I worked on.

No love,
Me.

No love

Dear Idiots:

I am not stupid. I will not open a Wells Fargo checking account and act as your U.S. money person. I do not believe that I will be able to make money this way. I know that you are basically spamming me with a scam and that eventually someone WILL bite. This someone is not me.

From me.

ps. to the other idiots who keep emailing and calling, if I have to pay to work for you, I don't want to work for you.

Dear Grumpy Coworker,

I suppose I understand that being your age, still working a pretty grunt job, AND the company is going through some pretty signifcant (and often stupid) restructuring gives you some good reason to be grumpy. So I will forgive you your daily grumbling, head shaking, and portents of doom. I will even forgive your buck-shot strategy of grousing about every single thing management proposes, causing valid complaints from the rational among us to get lost in the noise.

But damnit, would it kill you to just say, "Thank you," or "You too," when someone says, "Have a good weekend"? Are you really that joyless that the only response to the prospect of an enjoyable 2 days without work is, "Pfft, yeah right."? I mean, holy sh!t.

Signed,
Not yet broken spirit.

Dear Mr Denny,

I know that your life is stressful. I know that on top of working for a bi-polar woman and every day with her is a new adventure, that you have a hectic homelife. Heck, you have 7 kids with 5 being todlers. The least you could have done is answer when I called you every day this week. YOU were the one who told me to call!! All you had to do was tell me that she wasn't ready to have me come back. I'm a big girl, I already figured that out. You didn't have to leave the room when I came in today. I wasn't there to cause a scene. All I was doing was picking up the remains of my stuff. I think it is time for you to grow up a bit.

~ Your former co-worker/underling

Dear Christian Music Festival People:

Hi...um it's me again. I really cannot stress to you how much I would like for you to go home. Really, I mean it. I have to work early in the morning, and I really don't appreciate having your crappy genre of music keeping me awake until midnight. I'll be honest if it was good music it'd be different, if you were playing a lullaby to put me to sleep, I'd actually be supporting your endeavor. And could you please explain to me why it needs to be so loud? I mean I support rock and/or roll, but let's be reasonable....if I can make out the lyrics to a song and I'm 3 miles away, isn't that a little overkill? Do you really find it productive to keep people in a 3 mile radius awake all night? I don't.

Dear Freaky Tiki,

Thank you for writing to us and expressing your interest in our music festival. We welcome your support and hope you to continue to enjoy the music we offer.

We would like you to consider becoming a premium member, for the low price of $119.95

(billed bi-weekly to your credit card. May not be cancelled at any time prior to rapture).

Becoming a Premium Member will allow you receive advanced notice for all of our upcoming concerts and special discounts on tickets (when purchased in quantities of 6 dozen or more).

Again, thank you for your support. We'll turn the volume up a little for you tonight to show our appreciation.

Sincerely,
Christian Music Festival

Damn you SonShine!!!!

Dear Peggy:
Had I bothered to keep track of this information, I would now know: your full name, your address, what kind of dog you have, who his vet is, and when he needs shots, the make and model of your car, as well as when it is due for service, the name of your SO and the name of his proctologist, the name of someone you know who died, that you volunteer for market research studies for extra cash, your approximate age, and now, the latest tidbit from today's answering machine message, your occupation.

I would be scared if someone were getting this amount of information about me. People who call you leave TMI on the answering machine. I'm past annoyance and have since become amused at this, but come on. The proctologist?

It's been my number for years now. Enough is enough.

Dear Amazon.com:

Please don't tell me a book is available, and that I can have it shipped to me in 2 days, getting my hopes up, if you're only going to send me a confirmation email that contradicts you, claiming that it won't even ship until after the 26th.

Love,
Eliza Hodgkins 1812

Dear Americans,

When are you going to sell the rights to LOST and SURVIVOR to Australian television stations, in order that they can have the program THE SAME WEEK as the Americans, and be able to read threads on chat boards in synchronicity.

Yours Lostfully,
Lashbear.


AND


Dear Channel 7,

Why the hell don't you play LOST and SURVIVOR in the same weeks as the Americans.

I hate hearing who won Survivor before I've watched it. I also hate hearing that Libby is dead before she dies even though I know it's my fault for reading the lost thread when I shouldn't have

Also, How come you can show ET episodes that give away who won Survivor even though you're showing episodes of the actual survivor show weeks behind. Yor all a pack of Poo Poo heds.

Yours behind,
Lashbear

Dear Indi,

Thomas the Train is boring boring boring. I know we don't watch movies very often, but when we do, can it please be something Pixar? Or at least Disney? I don't have this huge collection for nothing. I mean, come on, the stupid train is barely even animated. I do like it when Alec Baldwin narates, though.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Kovacs.

Please don't die while Amy is watching you.

No, revise that.

Please don't die when ANY of us are taking care of you.

Love,

Your dog sitter (the one who pokes you with needles).

Dear child of mine,

A shower and washing your hair isn't considered cruelty under the Geneva Convention. Just shut up and go do it for gods sakes.

Love you, (well most of the time)
Mommy

Dear CA,

Stop being so expensive.

Dear Apartments,

I realize that we pay a premium for living in Orange County, but don't you think it's a tiny bit unreasonable to charge $1200 for a 400sqft studio?

And while you're at it, for the prices you are charging it is not unreasonable to expect that the property will be maintained.

Signed,

A Prospective Renter

Dear BTD,

Buy a mobile home :)

Dear Professor:

The world will not end if you let us out of class three minutes early. I know the ABA has attendence requirements, but I don't think they extend to making sure we never ever ever leave early. And if they did, I'm sure the numerous times you've kept us late will more than make up for the missing three minutes. You do not need to stand up there stammering and randomly throwing out unconnected factoids you don't plan to test us on just so our butts stay in chairs for 100 minutes. All this blathering about judicial discretion and you can't let us out three minutes early because we're out of material for the day? Get a life.

No love,
Me.

Dear CoasterMatt,

I'd love too, but the land rental on top of the mortgage payment makes it way to expensive. :(

Dear BTD,

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/cgi-bin/...0&addTwo=purrr ;)

Dear Andrew,

New company does not have an office there. They do however have one in TX. mmm cowboys. And the SF area is about as expensive as OC. So :p

A tech company without Bay Area offices? :eek:
That may be, but in SF everything is within walking distance. And if it's not, we have actual working mass transit.

It's not a tech company. That was old job. :p

Dear SzczerbiakManiac,

The next time you fill up your water bottle at the cooler, be sure to screw the cap back on ALL the way, not just half-way, before you tilt it back for a swig. Your shirt and pants will stay dryer that way.

Thanks,
Your Wet Clothes

Dear Little Brother,

I grow weary of hearing of your constant break ups with your girlfriend. No one that young should be that chronically unhappy. Do yourself (and me) a favor and stay broken up this time. Travel!

Love,
Your sister

Dear Time Machine,

Activate.

Thanks,
STC

7 years ago.....

Dear Cat,

Screw the tobasco cap back on -- don't just set the cap on the bottle. If you do this then daddy won't accidentally squirt tobasco sauce in your eye when he shakes the bottle.

Love,
Dad (who always felt guilty even though it wasn't his fault AT ALL)

Dear doggie mom.

Plese call me BEFORE you give your dog that double dose of insulin, not AFTERWARDS.

Sincerely,

The pet sitter you schedule to dose your dog at 7 pm.

Dear Cat,

You liked Tabasco when you were... what were you seven years ago, like, six? You were a brave little Sactownlet. I don't eat Tabasco and I'm 27 years old.

Cheers,
LSPE

Dear LSPE,

Oh yes. Tobasco, jalapenos, salsa on everything. You name it - if it's hot - she probably likes it. Always has.

Love,
Cat's dad

Dear SacFamily. We miss you. Come back to DL.

Love,

LoT

Dear apartment complex I looked at today,

Your complex is very nice, however, I will not be renting there. You already charge an insane amount for an apartment and then expect me to pay for a carport on top of my rent. Not to mention I need to buy a parking pass if I want a (note, that is one) guest to visit. It is obvious you frown on people visiting your residents since you do not allow guest parking in any of the abundant (your word) open spaces in your parking lot.

Sincerely,

A disappointed potential renter.

Dear LSPE,

I was 16 before I could handle mild salsa. Baby Jade loves the enchiladas that are spicy for me.

Yours truly,
A Wimp

Dear Baby Jade,

The enchiladas from TJ's were like the one food that I didn't have to share. Thanks a lot.

Love,
Mama

Dear STC,

I miss the MP days when random posters would express shock/disdain when they found out you had kids and your name was a pot reference. Those were good times.

Sincerely,
Me

Sac's name is a pot reference? I'm shocked!

Dear BTD,

Thanks. We miss our geek friends.

See ya soon,
STC

Dear Tracilicious,

In honor of those Pad days, I gave him some [joking] grief about leaving his kids at the hotel (or in the park) while we went "to admire his car".

Dear traci is delicious,

In a strange way, I miss getting taken to task for my lack of parenting skills by online strangers. Good thing they never found out I let my kids laugh at the sight of Robert Plant's dong. Or that I let my six year old daughter put Tobasco sauce on her food.

Sincerely,
One Bad Dad

Dear BTD,

That was funny. But what makes me a real bad parent is that I let them roam around DCA while we visited the parking lot. A good parent would have sent them to Disneyland.

Sincerely,
Um, what was I saying?

Bad mojo for you! There are drunk people in DCA! How dare you allow your children be exposed to alcohol! :mad: And they have to walk past so many smoking areas! What kind of parent are you to allow such dangerous behavior? :mad:















:evil: :p :D

Dear Me,

OK, I'll bite.

Cheers,
Rob.




Dear STC: Kids ? Next you'll be telling me Crystal's not just your dearest friend, and you're straight !

...So all my fantasies are broken, tattered remnants. Oh well, I'll always have that pic of you in the Superman suit.

well Phooey to you ! There are still plenty of hunky guys on this board that DO appreciate a man.

...Where's Kevy & €uroMeinke ?

Signed,
Frustrated.

Dear McDonald's:

Thanks for sucking a little more joy out of the world you greedy corporate whores.

No longer can I have the simple pleasure of peeling back your little game stickers and winning a BigMac or a large fries. No. Now I have to collect the little stickers, go home, login to your overly large and slow web site, sign up for an account, give you my email address and name, then enter a gazillion number code in order to find out what I already knew, no free munchies for me today.

You suck and now that I think about it your food sucks too. Plus it's not good for me anyway. I hereby formally declare a full on Moonliner boycott of Mcdonalds incorporated worldwide. Take that your corporate ninnies.

Dear Moonliner,

This is official notice of my application to join your boycott of the worlds worst fast food. Sadly, I think I jumped the gun a bit and have refused to enter their establishment in nearly two years due to their attrocious "food" products.

____________

because the fall didn't kill him...its the abrupt stop at the end that did.

Dear Moonliner,

I have had an aversion to all things fast food for some time now. However, McD has come out with some decent salads, particularly their Asian Chicken Salad, that has become something I enjoy quite a bit. I am afraid I cannot join the boycott, particularly considering I never got much excitement from peeling back game stickers on fry packs.

SCA

Dear Moonliner,
McDonald's has always sucked. Long live In-N-Out.
Signed,
Gemini 'Big Boy' Cricket

Dear Capt:

You know, if one person, just one person, does it, they may think he's really sick and they won't care.

And if two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both faggots and they still won't care.

And if three people do it! Can you imagine three people walkin' in to McDonalds, singin' a bar of "Take this place and shove it, I ain't eating here no more" and walkin' out? They may think it's an organization!

And can you imagine fifty people a day? I said FIFTY people a day . . . walkin' in, singin' a bar of "Take this place and shove it, I ain't eating here no more" and walkin' out? Friends, they may think it's a MOVEMENT, and that's what it is: THE MOONLINERS MCDONALDS RESTAURANT ANTI-MASSACREE MOVEMENT! . . . and all you gotta do to join is to sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar.

With feelin'.

Dear In-n-Out,

Could you please, please offer some sort of non-beef alternative? No, the cute "grilled cheese" doesn't count. Turkey patty, Gardenburger, anything. I really miss "animal style" and your great shakes and fries, but I don't eat mammal and you don't give me any alternative.

Dear Moonie,
That word me not like.
Signed,
GC



Dear Andrew,
Good idea turkey burgers is.
Signed,
Yoda speaking GC

Dear SCA:

No problem I totally understand your position you scruffy looking corporate butt-licking sycophant nurff-herder.

Hey, it's art. take it up with Arlo Guthrie.

However not to worry, I don't think it's likely to come up in polite convseration (or even around here) again.

Me sorry. Me not know it song.
Signed,
GC in Cookie Monster voice now for some reason...

I, sir, am no nurff-herder.

No no no. You're supposed to say 'Who's scruffy looking?' You blew it.
:D

Dear Andrew,

Grilled cheese animal style, raw onions, no grilled, extra pickles, fries and a dr. pepper is the way to go. SO there.

Gross!
:D :p

Dear SCA:


Judges? No I'm sorry we can't give you that one. The response we were looking for was: "Who's scruffy looking?"


Dear GC:

I find cookie monster offensive.

Me sorry. I mean, I apologize from the top of my tiara right down to the bottoms of my platformed shoes. :D

Better than eating the inside of a cow. :p ;)

Cows are yummy. :p
:D

Dear BTD,

Where's the protein? I love cheese, I am the King of Cheese, but a meal needs some kind of protein.

I second that. As are pigs, lambs, chickens, squab, ducks, fish, and even an occassional rattlesnake.

I've had rattlesnake and alligator. Rubbery...

Ummmmm meat.

Dear Andrew,

Cheese has protein.

Cheese is not a complete protein. However, beans and rice together are.

SzczerbiakManiac,

Please refrain from responding with some sort of crass innuendo to that last letter.

Thanks,
Your Conscious

Dear Moonliner,

Coca-Cola is doing something similar right now (the game, not the boycott). I won't enter those codes online, but a friend of a friend is, so I'll pass the codes on. It's my small way of fighting slimy corporate "we may not have to give any prizes at all!" attitude.

And I've been avoiding all fast food for a while now. Except for the (very) occasional Frosty. Once a year or so is enough, though.

Matterhorn Fan

Dear Cat Outside my Door:

I am a dog person. Please return to your home, which I suspect is just downstairs.

Matterhorn Fan

Dear GC,

Re::eek:

dunt know Alices Restaurant?
wow...
signed CJ the amazed...or perhaps ancient


PS: in addition

Re: not to mention kinda fishy and oddly shaped to the point of distraction.

Dear LoT:

Have you seen "Super Size Me"? You will not want to eat at McDonald's ever, ever again. Ever. Especially that "Smoking Fry" extra on the DVD. Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Signed,
still chubby but not because of fast food!

I haven't. I'm interested, but I don't really want to be too grossed out.

Dear Germany and France,

I miss you, but the weather was a little hot. Please install air conditioning soon.

Love,
Sweaty American Tourist

It's not that disgusting. More sad if anything.

Dear Julie Andrews:

As we discussed today on the phone, enclosed please find a copy of Hairy Pop-him IV: Tuppence a Fag. I do hope you and Blake will find it as enjoyable to watch as it was to make. The insertion and removal of an umbrella, hat rack and potted plant was a most wonderful suggestion but you know how tight ana....errr.. budgetary constraints are!

See you at tea next week. Ta!

All my hot sweaty monkey love,
Pornabog

Dear Brain,

Knock it off!!!!!!

Thanks,

B

One does not use one's carpet-bag for the purposes of a shoddy red-bandanna movie. We have a reputation to uphold.

Besides, one prefers Titan titles.

See you on the carousel,
Mary.

Dear Mary,

Try not to give away secrets.

Love,
Lashbear.

Sounds like I'm ultra unswanky once again. :D
I must investigate Alice's Restaurant... I'll get back to ya.
:)

Dear HeadOn,

What does your product do? I do not see anything on your website that says what your product does.

It would be nice to know why I should purchase your product and "apply directly to my forehead." I usually do not apply things to my forehead just because someone tells me I should. Perhaps if you give me a good reason to purchase your product and apply it to my forehead, I just might do so.

Thank you,

Jennie

Yes I did send this

oh this should be good.
uh........hmm......
yeah

Anybody who can work Arlo Guthrie into a thread is alright by me.

Did you know they made an Alice's Restaurant MOVIE? Really freakin' weird (and LOW bidget) movie.

No it's not!

Dear Matterhorn Fan,

You are under investigation by our group, the Association of Feline Re-education- American Investigations Department, or 'AFRAID'. Our operatives have had you under surveillance for some time now, and we have decided that you are in need of some 're-education'. We shall be launching a concerted effort to sway your opinion towards our species and we would appreciate your cooperation. Any attempts to chase off or harm our personnel will be dealt with harshly- we have many unpleasant retaliatory methods, as I'm sure your friend 'Scaeagles' can attest to. Don't try to run- we are everywhere. Okay, maybe not in the Antarctic, but nearly everywhere. So don't try it.

Sincerely yours, etc,

The cat outside your door.

Dear cat outside Matterhorn Fan's door,

I am a member of a counter organization called Decidedly and Eggregiously Against Those Hellishly Tainted Ogre Creatures of Aggravating Treachery and Snobbery, or 'DEATH TO CATS'. The name of the organization speaks for itself, so you had best watch which door you appear outside of.

We are watching you.

Sincerely,

A charter member of DEATH TO CATS

Dear Scaeagles,

Did you say something?

:p

Use caution when exiting your domicile. We wouldn't want a stray cactus to fall on you or something. It would really suck if it was a freshly sprayed cactus, wouldn't it?

Yours in retaliatory evil,

The cat who is stationed near your house.

Dear Jennie,

Obviously it's SAFE to use! You can use it anytime you need it! Do you really need to know more?

Sincerely,
HeadOn Corp.

Does HeadON give good Headons?

Dear me several weeks ago:

And you thought knitting socks instead of studying was a good idea why? Must every exam period be accompanied by the thrill of seeing how close one can come to the exam date before beginning to commit the subject material to memory? Couldn't you just jump out of an airplane or something?

Get cracking,
Me.

Dear Prudence,
If you could get your class materials on tape, you could study and knit socks at the same time.

I did a search on Walmart's web site (who was listed as a supplier) I now know what head on is! ;)

Dear Sandman,
What was with that funky dream last night? Espionage in Iraq with Madonna as a fellow spy? The attack kid with circular saws for hands?
WTF? I guess I attributed to that with my midnight snack before bed and an IM conversation about Madonna with our Isaac.
Signed,
International Man of Mystery
:D

:eek:

*runs off to buy a case*

I'll let you know...

Dear self: You ment to wear your pink mary janes today. Why are you wearing your black ones? You're not wearing any other black and your shirt is pink.

Signed,
Perplexed at my morning logic

Dear Sandman,
What was with that funky dream last night? Apartment hunting at some WDW-like resort? With Stargate SG-1 characters? Are you trying to tell me I should actually go find an apartment? Or that I'm watching too much sci-fi lately?
At least I wasn't a spy in Iraq with Madonna.
Signed,
About to be Homeless if I don't do something about it soon

Dear Matterhorn Fan,

Don't get any ideas- we have many operatives within the Disney Resort system. Oh, do you have any tuna fish? I'm getting hungry and my shift isn't over for several hours.

Sincerely,
The cat outside your apartment door.

Dear wendybeth,
The cat has not been seen since yesterday afternoon. It would not eat. I hope it's gone home, wherever that is.

A lot of people have been moving out of this complex; I just hope they're not leaving pets behind. Sometimes people are stupid that way.

Dear WB,

How long have you been hallucinating that you are a cat? Have you sought help?

Signed,
A concerned fellow poster

Dear BTD,

Please wash me.

Signed,

ShinyCar

----

Dear ShinyCar,

Thank you for your request. Perhaps this weekend I will give you a bath. However, due to the heat, humidity and wind I feel bad taking you to the car wash where people are out in the hot sun all day. I suppose some would say I am taking money away from them by not going, but I feel bad for having someone else (who probably doesn't have a car) sweat and bake so I can have a clean car.

Love,

Your owner

---------

Dear iSm,

thank you for the Leis you provided way back when during a Tiki meet. They came in handy today for our Hawaii party at work.

Signed,
-BTD

Dear Matterhorn Fan,
Being homeless is not fun.
I hope you figure something out.
You could put on a cat costume and maybe Lisa will adopt you.
:D
Hee hee.
But seriously, I hope something comes up.
Sincerely,
GC

There's places, it's just that prices have gone way up and I hate going apartment hunting. I'd like to stay put, but I can't.

Apartment hunting totally sucks. craigslist was where we found our current apartment. Just a suggestion.
:)

I've heard about craigslist and a problem with people posting rooms or apartments available for sexual favors rather than rent. Is this your arrangement, GC?

Dear BTD,

Where do you think cheese comes from?

Dear sceagles,
Sca-bite me.
Signed,
GC

PS ~ And, yes. That is my arrangement. My landlady could barely walk after the security deposit.
:D

Dear Andrew,

Cheese is dairy, comes from milk. I do not eat animal based rennet. Therefore I do not have to consume animal parts to eat cheese.

So there :p

Dear BTD,

The milk still started on the inside of a cow.

Veganly yours,
Traci
;)

Dear lady ahead of me in the checkout line,

The courtesy clerk is not your personal shopper. If you forgot something go get it and get back in line.

Sincerely,
The 900 impatient people in line behind you

Yes, it did. However you do not have eat its flesh to get to the milk. And yes, I am aware of how dairy farms are run.

a vegetarian for non-ethical reasons,

btd

Dear Bees,

I am sorry for the oppression you have endured throughout the history of human honey eating. It is horribly, horribly wrong for us to exploit you and force you into nothing less than slave labor for production of a product that we can do without.

Please accept my humble apology.

Signed,
Whacked out vegan
;)

Dear Vegans of the World:

I do not understand you. Personally, I figure my DNA has made me into an omnivore and I follow that. However, I respect anyone's decisions on diet because I know they're all personal. Seeing as how I have personal tastes (lobsters look like giant bugs) I can't possibly tell anyone else what to eat.

All that I ask is that I am not made to feel guilty for following my genetic predispositions. Many of my best friends have been vegan through the years and I love all y'all.

Hmm, now that I wrote this out, I realize that this is very similar to my point of view on religion, politics, or anything else, pretty much.

Love,
Jen

P.S. Yes, I would order rabbit at a restaurant. Veal is tasty too.

Dear LoT,
Heap big doings in sky.
Loud thunder.
Storm coming.
Signed,
Chief Big Feather

Dear Capt Jack and Moonliner,
Me likes Alice's Restaurant.
Some of my posts sound like this song. On and on... Hee hee.
An 18 minute song... Wow.
Funny sh!t.
Signed,
GC
:)

Dear Fellow Male Coworkers,

It seems some instruction on how trash cans work is necessary. You wouldn't think so, all of you being engineers and all, but some of you seem to be unclear on the concept.

The model of trash can in the bathrooms have what is called a "lid". This "lid" helps keep the restroom sanitary for you and your fellow employees. This "lid" performs a very intricate movement known by some as "rotating", sometimes "flipping". It does not, however, perform this movement under its own power. Nor is the weight of a single, or even several, wet paper towels sufficient force. Therefore, one does not just place a discarded paper towel on top of the "lid". The proper procedure is to apply a small amount of force using your own muscles to "rotate" the lid, allowing the refuse to go through the "lid" and into the trash can.

We appologize for assuming you weren't retards. We will not make the same mistake in the future.

Sincerely,
Management

Dear Dork that looks like Napoleon Dynamite with red hair.

Stop following me! I've seen you 3 times this week about town and you are too ugly to spot again. Please stay inside.

Signed,

Prefers to look at better looking people.

Dear NA,

I wasn't EVEN following you! GOSH!

Signed,

ND Dork

Dear GC,
Im glad you liked it. Yes, its one of the longer songs to ever hit the airwaves and was usually used by DJ's of the day to take extended 'smoke' breaks.

;)

CJ

Dear Traci,

Please don't eat me!!!! I only want to live in the fertile soil with the sun shining down upon me and my brethren- is that too much to ask?

Sincerely hoping not to be in your tummy tonight-

Tom Ato

Dear Sweet Child of Mine,

I love that you have friend who have a small pool. I love that you can go over there almost every day. What I do not love is that you come home and sit around in your wet shorts.

My ass is now wet from sitting on a chair you vacated 2 hours ago!

Be glad you are not home tonight...your Mommy would have figured out some sweet revenge!!

((hugs))

Love, Your Patient, revenge-seeking Mother.

Dear CP,

I agree. I think we are designed as omnivores. I think the fact that you can only get b12 from meat proves it. I don't even feel sorry for animals that are killed for meat (or leather, for that matter). I don't think we are designed to eat grain fed (especially pesticide laced grain fed) animals, or animals that are shot up with hormones and antibiotics, or animals too sick to walk. And sadly, grass fed organic beef, and free range chicken is frikkin expensive. So, with the current state of our available livestock, I think vegan is healthier.

I'm only near vegan though, as I will probably get eggs from the same farm I get my veggies from in the fall. I won't stop wearing leather, and I won't freak out if I accidentally ingest some dairy. We'd be straight vegetarian if it weren't that cheese really doesn't agree with any of us (and is pretty bad for everyone). This is a good excuse to eat healthy. It stops us from ordering pizza on lazy nights, and driving by fast food while we are running errands. And now that I'm not buying meat, I can afford to eat all organic foods.

Eternally yours,
Former meat lover

Dear Scaegles,

Isn't that hilarious?! I laughed my butt off when I found out about the honey. I did buy some agave nectar to see if it compares, though. No honey! Ha!

Signed,
Not very whacked out vegan

Dear BTD,

The only cheese I've ever seen without rennet is organic. Organic farms are much much cleaner, and cows healthier than regular farms. So worry not. But the cheese is still bad for you. ;)

Also a vegan for non ethical reasons,
me

Dear Traci,

Hey, what am I! Chopped liver? Don't I get a letter?

We veggies get no respect, I tells ya.

Whateverly yours,
Tom (Ato)

Dear Tom,

I really like you. But you are in almost everything. To tell you the truth, sometimes I get sick of you. So, maybe next time I'll let you live.

Scary for veggies,
me

An Open Letter to Concerned Vegetables:

I am offering amnersty to any vegetables that don't wish to be consumed by Tracilicious and Family. You will enjoy spacious living quarters, plentiful water and sunshine- at least until the snow flies. To locate our sanctuary, simply hang a left outta Arizona then head north until you're nearly Canadian.

Yours, etc,
Wendy in the PNW

PS- mushrooms are not included in this amnesty program, as they will likely wind up sauteed and on top of a steak.

Onions are not necessarily safe, either- especially Walla Walla sweets.

PPS- Potatoes might be a bit....endangered, as well.

PPPS- Brussel sprouts are guaranteed a long and healthful existence.

To whom it may concern:

Stop testing the emergency broadcast system when I'm watching something good on TV. Start doing it at like 3 or 4 in the morning. Hell, if I was watching TV at that time, I'd even forgive you.

Dear Traci,

There is vegetable rennet, which is not derived from animal. I think it's called microbial (or something like that). Trader Joes lists if the rennet comes from animal or plant and there is a site out there that lists all the brands that contain plant rennet. Also, if a cheese is Kosher it cannot contain animal rennet (mixing meat and milk).

Signed,

- slowly learning

Dear BTD,

Thank you so much for giving me a bath.

Love,

ShinyCar


Dear Costco,

Please do not attack me

Singed,

BTD

Dear Traci,

I posted a link to the non-rennet cheese list in the "Soooo" thread a while ago. If you search posts for rennet, you should find it easily. I'd post it again, but apparently I forgot to bookmark it.

Matterhorn Fan (whose current favorite cheese may or may not be on that list. I'm not sure if I dare to look)

This thread reminds me of a song.



Dear lie
you suck
you said you could fix everything
instead
I'm f****d
You made things even worse for me
If I
had balls
I'd tell you get away from me
Guess I'm
not smart
I let you
unnerve me
I let you
control me
Afraid the truth would hurt me
When it's you that hurts me more
Dear lie
You're dumb
You think you've got the best of me
You think
you won
Misread my vulnerability
I've got
your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I've learned
your art
Won't let you
unnerve me
Won't let you
control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no more
Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin' words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me
Out of me
Out of me lie

Dear fashion designers and buyers:

Cropped trousers? You have got to be kidding me. This is your big fall must-have? Suits with short pants? No, it does not look like glamour with an edge. It looks like your models are headed to a Little Lord Fauntleroy-themed party. Especially when you insist on pairing them with the ruffled shirt and cropped velvet jacket.

Knock it off.

No love.
Me.

Dear trac,

That's pretty much why we're vegetarians, too. Well, that and also Tom's brain thing.

Love,
LSPE

Dear Pru.

We have no right to complain because no one wants to see our legs anyways. Now, get with the program.

Love,

My tongue which happens to be in my cheek - or up someone's crack. You choose.

Dear City of East Palo Alto official department of sitting on your ass and not actually answering the phone to, you know, help people figure out what kind of permits or other bureaucratic waste of paper they might need before starting a major remodeling project that, in order to meet the drop-dead date of Thanksgiving, needs to start NOW, but who instead are, as noted previously in this rather long sentence, sitting on your fat entitled government paycheck asses most emphatically NOT providing any sort of service whatsoever other than enriching the owner of the McDonalds franchise next to the City office building,

Keep up the good work.

Yours in utter disgust,

Dear the Mid-West and East Coast.

You're welcome.

Love,

The West Coast

Dear Furniture Designer,

Love the chair with the washable slipcovers. But wouldn't it have been a bit easier to put the zipper on the long end of the fitted cushion not the short end?

Sincerely,
Chair Cushion Wrestling Champion

Dear GC-

You should watch Farscape- from start to finish. One of the best shows ever!

Love-
Scapers everywhere (including me!)

Dear person who does not know it is 2006-

Why did you put a Kerry/Edwards sign on your property in July 2006? Don't you know what year it is? Don't you know there is no Presidential election this year?

If he runs again- please put up your signs- but for goodness sake why now?

Sincerely-
Someone who knows when in time they are

Dear boss from hell,

In the future, when you delegate to me a task that was given to you to do, please don't tell me that there were no instructions, and then 2 days later forward me an email - with the instructions - that you received before you delegated the task to me. That would be really helpfull.

Thanks.

Dear Dart Board at Ye Old King's Head Bar in Santa Monica,

Someday, I will be the master of you. Someday!

Fondly,
Audra

Dear old man arguing with the checker in the grocery store,

The bananas were .79 cents a lb., and just because you were capable of throwing a hissy fit over the fact that you thought they were .59 a lb. doesn't give you the right to hold up the line for ten minutes, repeatedly insult the checker and and start dropping names that might have meant something to a checker 40 years ago. You got your way and the checker took all of .03 off your purchase of three bananas, but I take solace in knowing that the dozen Baby Ruths you bought were probably all melted by the time you finished your tirade.
Oh, and you smelled funny.

Signed,
The disgusted line of people who all agreed to shoot each other if they ever turned into a old bastard like you.

Dear God,

Yeah, its me again. Re: our conversation from the other day, I have to say I still dont get it. When you say all the bad stuff that happens is part of the "master plan"...by the way, I hate it when you do that little quote thing with your fingers...I must insist on you revealing the part of said plan where I cannot be rich, famous, loved by all mankind and not let it go to my head.

lates bud..
CJ

PS: Its the 'not let it go to my head' part, isnt it? :p

Oh dear

or

Dear deer

Dear co-workers. You are an amazing group of people. I have never felt so welcome. But really, when we say "Don't download LimeWire" please don't get annoyed when it takes me all day to fix your comptuer and I'm still not done.

--------

I pulled over 25 viruses off someones computer today, and found over 150 peices of spyware on it. All due to LimeWire. And I'm still not done.

Dear chin:

Why won't you grow hair? It makes for a less than desirable beard.

Sincerely,
My face

Dear Ears,

Please send your excess hair producing capability to Kevy's chin.

Sincerely,
The Tweezers

Dear Franco Sarto:

Please stop making cute shoes. There is no more room on my shoe rack!

Your fan,
Me.

Dear IT Department at BDT's Company,

I highly recommend implementing a responsible data backup policy for all of your employee-use computers. Or, minimally, make sure all business data is on network-access storage. These simple measures will ensure that the systems can be restored from virus/malware damage simply by reinstalling the system without affecting the data. This will also ensure that BTD does not kick you in your "shinies".

- A Friend in the Storage Area Networking business

Dear A Friend,

BTDs company has all desktop computers mapped to network-access storage drives to prevent issues like this one. Laptops are set to synch with the public drives when docked. What BTDs company needs is enforcement of the synch policy. And I think that may happen now.

But there may still be some kicking of the shinies.

Dear Ears,

I second that request.

Most very truly and sincerely,

A Concerned Hairdresser

Dear Dick on POTC ride the other night:

Thanks for taking Flash pictures of everything inside the building. I appreciate being repeatedly blinded by your state-of-the-art zenon beam of light. I know it's dark in there and you placing the flash setting at "Fvck'in - A blinding" might have been a tad too much.

I do however would like to offer you 37 pictures of you taking those flash pictures. Unfortunatly I don't have the Fvuk'in A Bright A$$ Zenon Beam of light on my camera, so they're a "little dark."

Sincerely,

My middle finger.

Dear toilet,

I just want to thank you for your lovely sense of timing. A stomach virus/flu/whatever just wouldn't be as much fun if you were functioning correctly. Since I have to actually open the tank and stick my hand in to manually flush you (due to a broken chain), I can't tell you how pleased I am that I get to play out this scenario every 20 minutes or so. Thanks so much for the memorable evening.

Dear Pre-processed Food Manufacturers.

Please stop disguising MSG as number 631, 630-635, Hydrolysed vegetable protein etc. etc. etc. and just put "Contains MSG" on your packaging.

Hateful regards,
The Guy Who Stayed Up Till 2:30am Last Night With A Jackhammering Heart And Then Had To Wake This Morning At 5:00am For Work.

Dear Motorboat Cruiser,

The folks over at the "Knitting and other creative endeavors" thread can provide you with directions for crocheting your very own toilet chain.

Dear MBC,

To preven further stomach problems, I would recommend you eliminate Spham from your diet.

A concerned LoT member

Dear person I was friendly with five years ago,

It's over. Just because I still have the same AIM name and haven't actually blocked you doesn't mean I really want to talk to you. Please stop IMing me once every six months.

(The addressee is not on LoT.)

Dear all the people who, when I was in my teens, told me I'd grow out of acne,

You're a lying sack of shït—I still get it.

SM

Edited to say:
Dear person I was friendly with since I got my AIM name, 10 years ago....
The same goes for you.
Yes, we spoke in HS, yes, we've spoken since.
No, we are not hard and fast friends.
Please, enough with the out of the blue IM's.

Dear everyone I ever ditched from previous messenger identities cuz you were too damn annoying to be continued as part of my life


neener neener :p
later
seeya
wouldnt wanna beeya

love and bullets
the artist formerly known as (any of about 3 dozen names)

:evil:

Dear cubicle neighbor cow-orker,

Pounding the Enter key on your keyboard is not going to make whatever is not happening start happening or happen any faster, and just makes you look like more of an idiot.

Dear cubicle neighbor co-worker,
But you dont understand, it makes me feel like the system will move faster. The "processing" on the screen merely means, if I press enter enough it will process faster.

Signed,
60% of Andrew, and Ponine's co-workers

Dear end users in the accounting department,

Why do you make me prove the same thing to you over and over?

When a program runs, there is no distinction between the contract numbers that come out on every page. If a calculation works for one contract, that calculation will work for all contracts. If I prove the same calculation to you on seven or eight contracts, why do you need me to prove the calculation again on a ninth? Is it not possible for you to verify the calculation if you are insecure about the number on the report? Are you too stupid? Are you too lazy? Is it both? Do you know how time consuming it is for me to comb through thousands of pages of raw data to show you that, once again, the numbers on your report are accurate?

Please rot in hell and die,
One incredibly irritated IT guy

Dear end users in scaeagles accounting department,

Please see enclosed check. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
MBC

Dear MBC,

I have enough people in my life making it more difficult. If you continue to pay people to irritate me, I'm cutting you off. As I re-read that, I like the double meaning and it is applicable.

Scaeagles

Dear Scaeagles,

Why does the latest contract calculation printout smell like ham?

Sincerely,

the end users in scaeagles accounting department

Do it and I'll take the ham with me.

And all the kings horses and all the kings men won't be able to put scaeagles' sphincter together again.

Dear iTunes on my computer that is on shuffle,
Why do you like the Black Eyed Peas so much? I do have other songs to choose from. Is it a conspiracy?
Signed,
iMe

Dear GC,

My iTunes does the same thing, only with U2's The Joshua Tree. At least it has good taste; it could be playing the "it's a small world" over and over.

Dear FOX,

Why is "House" on ALL the time? I realize it's summer and all, but don't you have anything else to put on as a filler before the show I want to watch?

The Joshua Tree is quite possibly the best album ever produced.

It's darn good, and I'm not complaining.

But I must say:

Dear iTunes,
Don't think I didn't notice that after I posted about you in this thread, that you didn't play any U2 for HOURS (and that when you did, you chose to play The Star Spangled Banner from Rattle and Hum). Yes, I'm on to you. I have, however, greatly enjoyed hearing the Dead Can Dance-Star Tours-Squirrel Nut Zippers combo that you came up with. I would never have put those three together like that.

No no no... anything but THAT!

Talking Heads and They Might Be Giants are my iPod's obessions.

Dear scaeagles,
Thank you for your advice while I applied and interviewed for this new job I got. Much appreciated.
GC
:)

Dear GC,

You are most certainly welcome.

However, thanking me publically for something might have the effect of ruining my image on the board as the evil conservative overlord. Please refrain in the future.

Scaeagles

closet liberal scaeagles,

'Abbey Road' = best album ever produced

Signed,
GC



My iTunes shuffles my Disney tunes into the mix all the time. I'll be listening to Dusty Springfield one minute and the next thing I hear is the Adventureland barker bird. Or Sarah McLaughlin (sp?) will play and then the next thing I hear is a roar from the Matterhorn's abominable snowman and the next thing to come up is 'Tick Tick Bang' by Prince. Funny stuff.
:D

Dear grant office:

I'm sorry that my monthly report request is such an enormous burden on you that you felt it necessary to a) make snarky comments about my request and b) include those comments when you forwarded to me your request to call you about it.

However, you are the grant office. You are the *only* office on campus that knows which industry-sponsored clinical trials ultimately receive funding. I need that list in order to determine which studies to bill for their IRB fee. I have to do it this way because YOUR OFFICE, when setting up this plan, didn't think to set up a system for fee collection.

Furthermore, the office to which the fees are owed was, until last July, part of your office. So, until you spun them off into their own unit, they were part of you. If you hadn't done that, you'd have to do this report anyhow because I'm sure you'd want the tens of thousands of dollars (that make up the ENTIRE operations budget that is now $40K in the red because of missing fees) if they were going into your budget.

AND, your office is subordinate to mine. You are a subordinate unit in the University-wide Office of Research. I've got my marching orders from the Vice Provost and she's your boss, too. She wants this done, and I doubt she'll be pleased when I inform her that you refused to help. Particularly after Friday's "team building" retreat where we all were encouraged to work together. That includes you, by the way.

I'm sorry that academic units badger you for reports because they don't maintain their own databases. This is hardly the same situation, as should be perfectly clear from the information requested and the units making the request. Perhaps if you had considered the fee collection process when concocting this scheme I wouldn't need to be making this request, so step off, beeyotch.

No love AT ALL,
Me.

Dear LoT friends,
Yes I reusrected a very old thread. I ran across it in search and I liked it.

~ponine


Dear Weather,
Enough is enough. I am melting, as is most of my city. It was more tolerable in Las Vegas than it is here right now.

Dear Family of mine that I adore,
Back off.
Its hot, and I am already cranky. Do me a favor and behave so that I dont stress out on top of everything else.
And buy ice cream. Please.

Love, ME

Dear Ponine,
I loved this thread. Thanks for resurrecting it.

Dear Yoga,
I don't feel like doing you tonight

Dear Michael,
Thanks in advance for cleaning the house. (hint!)

Much love,
Traci

Dear nose,

I get it. It's allergy season. You can stop now. And by stop I do not mean running things down my throat into my lungs. I really don't appreciate being made to appear as if I have consumption. The tragic beauty "La Boheme" thing just isn't my style. Thanks.

~Goonie

Dear Ponine,

I have noted somewhat amusingly that unless one takes note of the year, this thread appears to be quite recent, and in perfect chronological order to boot.

Well done,
The Goon


Dear ankles,

Being annoying and sore will not get me to take off these strappy sandals here at the office, and if you persist in irritating me, I'll dress nicely for work every day.

Think about it,

Me

Doe, a dear...

Dear Me,

Clean up your room it's a disaster.

Sincerely,
Me