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Attack of the Clones rant, revisited.
Yes, I put this in the Parking LoT. If there's any topic that intrudes on my groove, it's this movie. :mad:
I threw this on our netflix queue when I realized that we'd only seen it once 3 years ago and Ep III was coming out soon. I definitely needed a refresher if I was to see the new one. Guess what? I was refreshed all right - now I am once again completely livid. All the cautious optimism I got from the Ep III trailer is now gone. This movie is poorly written, poorly acted, poorly directed. I've seen B movies with better pacing and tons more emotion. Oh, where to start... Natalie Portman is a horrid actress. Hayden Christensen is just as bad. Their arms barely move, their faces do not change. The only bits of Hayden's that I believe is the anger - ok, yeah, he looks mad. His sadness isn't there very much at all, and the all important conflict is totally non-existant. Oh, he utters the couple of lines that are supposed to belie his conflict, but you sure as hell don't believe he's going through anything. I don't believe any of their romance. Why do they love each other? The scenes where they "fall in love" are utterly uncharming. These people are NOT special. They are supposed to be the most special people in the universe and they are totally not intriguing. The bits that are supposed to be cute are the same as in every other romantic moment in every other movie ever made. Portman telling them they cannot love each other...she may as well be on stage in a high school production. Actually, no, fvck that, I won't insult high school productions that way. No frustration, no sadness, nothing. Just robotic delivery of "we can't do this" lines. The Romeo/Juliet aspect is completely stolen and manufactured and unoriginal. My god, can I rant about Threepio and Artoo for a moment? Things were ok with both of them for the first large chunk of the movie. Some somewhat good interaction, just like the old days. Then Threepio becomes the Jar Jar of the movie with a completely pointless added plot involving him in pratfall bullsh!t. He is reduced to the absolute worst one liners in SW history, with terrible puns and jokes that only detract from the somewhat cool battle going on behind him. "This is such a drag"? "I'm beside myself"? It was so very sad. I just found an online copy of a script and none of those terrible lines are in there, so I'm wondering how they could have been added to an already overlong, bloated, slow paced film. Suddenly Artoo can fly? Does he lose that ability when they wipe everyone's memories so that everything can make sense? Oh, and did Lucas dub all the Stormtroopers' dialog in the Trilogy so they have the distinct accent that Jango Fett does? Do all the clones learn English from a model on Jango's accent? Otherwise why would they talk that way? And how come Stormtroopers are different heights and girths? Why oh why did he have to dig himself holes he couldn't get himself out of?? Speaking of him, I swear, I can't believe he didn't hand over the reins to someone else. What an ass. The directing is horrible. The whole movie is filled with talking heads. Talking heads walking, wipe, talking heads sitting, wipe, talking heads walking some more. Just because stuff is zipping around in the background doesn't make it enthralling. It's still a goddamn conference. Watch the OT again and notice that nothing happens in a stationary manner, except ACTUAL meetings on attack plans. Exposition occurs during events! Action pushes the story forward! Yes, there are good action sequences, but that is all that they are. It's just like the difference between a good and bad musical. Good musical, the music moves the story. Bad musical - everyone stops and sings and you don't learn anything new about the characters or events. Anakin and Padme are stuck in a factory and the story STOPS. Anakin and Obi-Wan chase the hired assassin for far too long and the story STOPS. All the Jedi and clones chase Dooku in helicopter things for far too long and the story STOPS. Think on it - what moves the story is the boring talking heads part. Sad. Yeah, we finally see Yoda fight. And it's bad ass. The part where they use the Force is rather awesome. But the actual saber fight just felt like "insert fight here". Yes, I wanted to see it. But in seeing it....eh. Definitely anti-climactic. Especially since Dooku matches him pretty well. Bummer for Yoda fans. :( I think some of the worst offenses to the franchise involve undermining everything special about the OT. We learn that Dooku is Yoda's former Padawan. So Obi-Wan screwing up Anakin isn't as big a deal as we thought it was. Apparently even Master Yoda can fvck that up. Jango Fett leads Obi-Wan into an asteriod field to lose him. When Han Solo does the same, it's treated as if it's a move no one ever does, that it's insanity, and only a pilot as amazingly skilled as Han would try it. Now it's not special anymore. Reusing ideas is an even worse offense in cases like these. Speaking of anti-climactic, all through Phantom Menace they hint over and over that Ani's love for his mother is his weakness. Alrighty, said we SW fans collectively, he'll lose his mom, then he'll go dark. Well, his mom dies, and what does he do? He kills a bunch of Tusken Raiders. That's it. Yeah, it's his first act in cold blood, but BFD. Total and complete letdown. So I guess it's not his mom that's his ultimate weakness? Sigh. So are we going to find out that Amidala has extra midichlorians in her bloodstream? She does a few ridiculous feats in the arena bit. Jump down from that pole onto the back of an animal? Isn't she supposed to be human? It's like they forget who's Jedi and who's not. How come a Jedi can't use the Force to undo handcuffs that Amidala can pick open?? Even the boring talking heads parts make very little sense. Palpatine gets everyone to talk in front of Jar Jar about voting him emergency powers. They say "the Senate won't support getting an army together, but they'll support giving the Chancellor emergency powers to get an army together." Huh? And then Jar Jar mentions the idea to the Senate, and without a vote, Palpy starts weilding the power. And how aggravating is it that the Jedi talk the entire movie like they're Counselor Troi? "The Dark Side clouds everything." I know that all this has to go down without them figuring it out and stopping it, but still, making them all seem completely impotent and pointless makes no sense. Better would be to make them aware of what's up yet thwarted in attempts to right the wrongs. I know the intent is to make Sidious/Palpatine look like the smartest, most conniving, most strong in the Dark Side son of a bitch we've ever seen, but come on! Once again, all the technology is TOTALLY different than in the OT. We're not talking 50 years away here, it's less than 20 at this point. And so much of it is versatility that the OT lacks. Seriously, if you want to make up solar-sails and detachable hyperspace rings, MAKE A SEQUEL far in the future. Otherwise, tell your concept artists and CG renderers to draw more Tie-fighters and Correllian cruisers. The only somewhat enjoyable thing is this drek is Ewan McGregor. This time around I really noticed the work he'd put into the character, at least during the most palatable section of the movie, the first 15 min or so. He is very much like Alec Guiness and I believe what I heard about him studying Guiness' acting in various movies for this role. Yet, the script/direction problems end up destroying him too, as he's reduced to a crime solver for most of the movie. I swear, I tried so hard to enjoy this movie. The banter between Obi-Wan and his headstrong Padawan wasn't so bad in the beginning. Watching lots of Jedi fight was cool (ignoring Threepio's sad decline). Watching Anakin use his powers for fun and want to rule the universe was alright (although he seems to say such things too many times). But that's about it for the good parts. Yeah, I woke up way too early today for no reason. Anyway, I'm mad all over again (really?) and I'm so goddamned pissed that I'm going to fork over at least 7 bucks to see the next movie. I can't possibly see any decent end to this travesty. I had more hope for Matrix III. :mad: :mad: :mad: If you read this whole thing, I'm sorry. :p |
Ok - I read the whole thing. I've had similar feelings (albeit with a little less vitriol) for the last couple of weeks. We're going setting ourselves up for a letdown. Again. Luckily, this is the last time Mr. Lucas is going to get away with it (until 2007 when he wheels out the 3-D versions). My advice: before heading out to the theater to see EP III, pop in a copy of the Holiday Special. Remind yourself what GL did to the franchise before the second (and best) installment even came out. Then, in the words of The Tibetan Book of the Dead (as filtered through John Lennon), "Turn off your mind. Relax and float downstream."
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Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
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I want to jump on the yoda thing and rant a bit about that. Because I always pictured yoda as a zen master, and a calm cool cat. I was shocked when he started jumping around in a frenzy while fighting Dooku. I figured he would have a more Kung Fu fighting style that was far more zen like, and a lot calmer. Anyway, that fight just killed my idea of yoda, the zen master, forever. And I am sad.
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I'm not a huge fan of the Star Wars series but I enjoy the films. I knew that making a sequel/prequel to a 20 year old trilogy would not live up to expectations. So when I went to see The Phantom Menace & Attack Of The Clones I went into the theater expecting nothing more than the backstory of how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. I knew the new films would be disappointing if I expected the impossible (to make a good sequel to a hit movie) so I went in with no expectations. As a result, I enjoyed the films and had no problems. It's silly to expect a sequel 20 years after the first film was made to be as good or better than the original. Just go to the theater expecting a science fiction story that explains how Anakin became evil and you'll be satisfied. That's my 2 cents.
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That said, I have no problem with lame popcorn movies (sci-fi or not) only good for a theater viewing only because the effects are good. Sadly enough, this movie does not qualify for that, as even the action sequences seem long and pointless. I'd say as an action popcorn flick I had more fun seeing Troy. Yes, I hold these movies up to higher standard. They are portrayed as the new trilogy, supposedly on par with the last. I simply expect to get what they are pretending to deliver. |
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One: it shows that everyone has it in them to fight, even the best zen masters. And in that fight, he does chose saving the twoyoung Jedi versus getting Dooku. Two: you always see oda barely moving, or even using a levitating sled to keep up with the larger species. Then he is kicking ass versus Dooku. once it is over, he is back tobarely moving. The true master conserving energy until it is absolutly needed. Three: it was that primal "go Yoda, kick his butt" reaction that got the crowd going. I also agree with Zapp. If I wanted to be nitpicky (which I have) on how it is not IV or V, then I am going to be disapointed. I find at least something in every new movie that I do like. and am entertained none the less by figuring out the way that GL is going to connect the story. Yes, there is hokiness, nut loook at most Disney movies. they use the same formula also, and we like a majorrity of them. I guess it comes down to this: We can bitch all we want, but its not our story, nor our franchise. Are we mad because we have invested som much into this and now are mad because in all this time, we have written our own story? If so, maybe we need to go do that and see how or story goes after 20 years and all the money, etc... :D Or we can go and try to lose ourselves in a movie for a couple hours, then a couple more when the DVD with the extras come out. Our expectations can make or ruin the outcome for each of us. |
But they are bad movies, original trilogy or not. I actually like the story so far, especially in Episode II. It's what Lucas always did best, story. But the screenplay sucks. The dialog sucks. The action sucks. And the acting is abismal (not helped by poor direction). If it were just a matter of "not living up to the originals", then it'd be the story I'd complain about. But the story is good. It's the movie itself that has serious flaws.
I mean, could Christiansen be ANY more wooden? He made Natalie Portman look like Jim Carey in terms of emoting. And, as CP pointed out, there was just scene after scene of him talking with closeups of his non-expressions. So unnecessary. I've said it a million times. Lucas is a great story writer, and that's it. He really should have left the screenplay and direction to someone with actual talent in those areas. The man just can't write dialog, and his contempt for actors is legendary, so it's not exactly surprising that he doesn't inspire great performances. Heck, even A New Hope suffers from some bad lines and poor direction, but its breakthrough nature and supreme originality more than compensates. These movies don't have that luxury. He was smart enough to hand the reins off for Empire and Jedi. He should have done the same for these. |
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They're sequels. Get over it. |
I loved the first three films. What fun and escapist enjoyment. When the fouth came out (Episode I) I was bored by the whole concept. There was no magic left and the creativity was sparse. I felt it was just a machine designed to bilk money from us due to the name and the populariaty of the first three.
I will hold on to my fond memories of seeing the original three in the theaters upon their release and ignore, as best I can, the rest of it until it is over and some Jedi Fan kills it. |
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I'm with you and Cadaverous Pallor. The Star Wars prequel is just plain bad. I was really excited to see Episode 1 but I was very disappointed. Both 1 & 2 are missing what the original series had but I can't quite put my finger on it. And though I love special effects, too much special effects does not a movie make! You watch the original series and even though you can tell it's night CGI those effects they had were much more convincing some how. My biggest complaint about the prequel series is I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE! I could care less about each and every character. I'm not drawn into their stories, I don't give a snot if they live or die. Not one of them sticks out at me and I can say I cheered for them. But the original series? Who doesn't love innocent Luke Skywalker, or what girl didn't want to be the butt kicking Princess Leia, swoon for Han Solo or wish you could speak Wookie?? I think the only amount of feelings I had for any character from the prequel was Jar Jar Binks. Tall, annoying, floppy, CGI faked, lame ass Jar Jar Binks. So I'm not going to see Episope 3. Figure I'll wait to see it on HBO or something. I'd rather see the Lord of Rings Trilogy in Chinese played backwards than see Ep. 3. |
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And Jive! |
What CP said... and I'll add Lucas should have hired Lawrence Kasdan again to write the screenplay. No doubt in my mind that he was reponsible for all the great lines in ESB and ROTJ.
Star Wars was the beginning of a lot for me, so I too hold it to standards. I think in the end after EP III comes out, I can look at the OT and recognize that there will never be matched. I will know what happend to Vadar and all that backstory, and won't need to watch Ep 1-3 again. Liken it to Superstar Limo, fine it existed, but we're all moving on... ;) |
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Don't get me started on Empire Strikes Back, which is one of the worst movies ever made - and I believe the most overrated film in all of history. Yes, for all the reasons CP said, Attack of the Clones is a bad, bad movie. I think the only reason I enjoyed myself during it was that it wasn't nearly as bad as The Phantom Menace. (Come to think of it, that's the reason I liked Return of the Jedi, too; not as terrible as the previous episode). I put all the blame for the craptacular prequels on Mr. Lucas. There is no story being told. The precious backstory that does not deserve its own film series is being presented in an absent way which demonstrates why character's backstories are not actually told in films - they are merely backstories. As CP so clearly pointed out, the execution is horrible. Bad script, bad directing, bad ideas - only the production design itself has minor merit. He's even to blame for the terrible acting. Check out other works by CH and NP, subsequent to their Star Wars stuff: they are both fine actors. Star Wars reduces them to crap. (Natalie and Hayden's stints as the worst actors in Star Wars films is a quite a feat, come to think of it.) At this point, I'm just in it for the pretty visuals and cool sound effects. I want the prequels to end, and I will be happy watching them end. For someone who has been a Star Wars fan for most of his life, I really don't think much of the movies themselves (except for the original, which was a bona fide brilliant film). It's a case of the sum being lesser than the whole of its parts. The films suck, but so many individual elements are so much fun. Most of all, I'm in it for the Lining Up. The films may be two hours of either horrific torture or mild relief, but the weeks I spend lining up for Star Wars are always some of the most fun weeks of my life. That the prequels are bad is almost besides the point to me. |
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Of course, it could have simply not been a trilogy. Episode I had nothing in it. There was no story. Episode II has story, but not a lot, it could have been condensed down to half the length or less with no trouble at all. So when I go back in time and fix everything, I will take Lucas's story, hire Fran Walsh to write the screenplay, and Peter Jackson to direct it, and make it one movie instead of three. |
Good, I can say some things here I dare not in real life, lest I get hit with one of Cassidy's 8 light sabers. She and my husband actually love the first two episodes......and I've hated them. The more I watch them, the more pissed off I get.
I hated Episode 1. I didn't like the kid actor playing Anakin (he makes me want to hurt him--no dark alleys, little Jake, cause I'll kick your ass), I was extremely un-impressed with Liam Neeson, I think Ewan MacGregor is embarrassingly sucky, and what's-his-ass the Jamaiican alien dude......well I just f-ing hate him. I always block his name. Hate that thing. The only good thing? Darth Maul. That's one kick-ass bad guy. Episode 2 made me want to scream. Natalie Portman and Hayden Christenson are so under-whelming and boring as a couple. I didn't buy his "rage" act...it makes me laugh. So while Cassidy and Kelly are covered in goosebumps, giddy with excitement over the prospect of seeing Hayden Christenson become Darth Vader, it just kind of pisses me off. And then I laugh and re-wind over and over again when Yoda says, "Around the survivors a perimeter create." Whatever, dude. I can't wait to take Cassidy to the new movie......but I don't relish spending all that time watching Hayden Christenson f-ing it all up for me. Ugh. I'm so scared I'll hate it.....and I can't stand feeling that way!!! On the flip side, Cassidy's having a Darth Vader swimming pool party at the end of April, and you're all invited. It's BYOLS, though. ;) |
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I agree with much of what's been said, but am surprised that people had such high expectations acting wise. I thought that Mark Hammill was a horrible actor. And some of the others weren't fantastic either. I think what made the original trilogy so much fun was the uniqueness of the story. I don't think being typecast was the only reason most of those actors didn't have a career after Star Wars.
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When I go back and watch the OT, I can see all the flaws, yet I'm more forgiving than I am with, say, a Corman quickie from the same era. I think my fondness for SW is part nostalgia and part gratitude for being my intro to cinema. (Sgt Pepper isn't my all-time favorite record either, but I have the same kind of respect for it) |
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Is anyone fond of Amidala or Anakin or Jar-Jar or even young Obi-Wan? If you have answered "yes" to one or none of those, then you have the major problem with the prequels right there. Beyond all the bad writing, poor story, horrible directing and all-around crappy execution ... we just don't give a fvck about the main characters. Bad acting regardless, we liked Luke and we liked Leia. We even liked Han Solo enough to forgive his RotJ performance that makes Christensen seem like Olivier. The world loved the O.T. characters. And the world is meh about the prequel characters. Death. Knell. |
It comes down to this:
Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back and RotJ were FUN, the actors were FUN, and the characters were FUN. And I cared about all of them. The new movies? The characters are a drag, save Yoda. And some of the Jedi. And instead of thinking the characters are FUN, I think, "Christensen, I've seen you in Shattered Glass and Life as a House, so I KNOW you can act. Better than this. I KNOW THIS! Portman, I've recently seen you in Garden State and Closer, and you gave two of the best female performances I'd seen all year, so I KNOW you can REALLY act. Ewan. EWAN! How can you now reflect any of Guinness' affability, charm, gravity, interest? When I know for a fact you can be affable, charming, weighty, and interesting?" I must blame the bad writing and the bad directing. Why Lucas suddenly needed complete control over everything is beyond me. He used to work with more people, yes? The fact is, maybe it's the fun factor, but I never notice any painfully bad acting watching the other three films. Not even from Hamill. But Christensen, McGregor, and Portam are fine actors in their own right, and whether they're characters are just sucky and boring, or the writing is terrible, or they have NO idea how to behave with blue screens, I have no idea. But the fun factor is seriously missing, save for a few memorable moments in Attack of the Clones that I really, really liked. But one would assume that if Jackson directed the prequels, they'd have been better. I blame Lucas. |
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I'll admit as quick as anyone born the year the original came out that I have no perspective on the OT. Yes, there was bad acting in it, especially ANH. Yes, there is cheesy dialog. But I maintain that it was a different kind of cheese! It was the kind of sillyness that made you LOVE THE CHARACTERS. The kind of banter that made you think that these were real human beings. The lighthearted moments weren't filled with crappy slapstick. The romantic moments were sweet. Compare Han and Leia's moment alone in ESB with the bullsh!t in AotC. If you look at the lines on paper, perhaps they might seem equally sappy, but watched on screen, it's a far different story. Quote:
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When I see Yoda flying through the air with that face.... it so reminds me of Miss Piggy crashing through the wall on a motorbike in The Great Muppet Caper. Since then, I can't shake the "Yoda is a Muppet" image from my mind.
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It's funny, because in AotC I was pissed that you never see him as a puppet. He's always CG. He does still look like Yoda, and they want more mobility for him, but I think they should have stuck with a puppet for closeups. He should not have a face that moves differently than he's had before. You may as well take the actors' faces and CG them - at least then they'd have emotions. :rolleyes: |
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You know "Jedi Mind Trick" is one of the best things to come out of these films. That and "You seek Yoda?".
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Well, hmmm, this thread is on its second page and I don't see anything that would justify keeping it in the Parking Lot.
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After the 1st one I accepted that these 3 will never hold a place in my heart like the first 3. I accepted the fact that these are pretty much going to be a back story with some cool effects (not groundbreaking, but still cool) and mostly mediocre acting (not due to the actors, but due to what they have to work with).
And with that acceptance I can watch them and enjoy them for what they are and not think about what could have been, what should have been. Since it will never be. |
I'm giggling, remembering Yoda in Thumb Wars. Chloe always walks around doing the voice from the movie, "I'm a puppet. Yeeeessssss."
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I always though that the idea to do prequels was a bad one. Most obvious is the fact that it never really works because the technology is so much more advanced in the prequels that it destroys the continuity.
I would have rather seen an approach similar to "The Godfather 2", where it was primarily a sequel but they used flashbacks to tell the story of Don Corleone. I think it would have been far more effective if Lucas would have kept the story moving forward, while using flashbacks to tell the story that led up to the present. With the Godfather series, you can watch them in order and it doesn't seem strange. Not so with Star Wars. Just my humble opinion, of course. :) |
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CP: you are never going to get the prequel films you want/expect. Either accept that by May 19th or don't bother going to the theater to watch Revenge Of The Sith cause it'll just be a bad experience for you.
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But he has to go see it so he has more in his arsenal for how much it sucked. :eek: ;)
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Pffh!
That's what the internet is for ! :D |
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FYI, the first part of the comic book adaptation of Episode III is in comic stores and probably book stores around the nation now. I got a copy.
Ohhhh, badly drawn pictures! |
And the book/audio book are released tomorrow. I'm sure I could run out and buy them - or I could go see Sin City and read "Dhalgren". Hmmm
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