Joke Time
 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

Ok, that was good. :)

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other "Is it getting hot in here?" The other one responds "HOLY HELL! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! Here are the results:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

^^^ Okay, that one really made me laugh out loud. For real!! :D Thanks, I needed that.

Hahahahaha Idon'tgetit.

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

Bill Clinton goes jogging every morning. When he passes a particular corner, there is a prostitute there every morning, always the same one, who yells "$50". Clinton, always looking for a bargain, playfully yells back "No, $5".

This goes on for weeks, until one day Hillary decides to go jogging with him. He is concerned about his daily exchange with the hooker, but can't stop her from coming along.

When they get to the corner, the hooker yells "see what you get for $5?".

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

A strapping Scottish gentleman enters a bar, stark naked save for a steering wheel mounted around his manhood.

The bartender takes one look and, before booting him out the door, asks "What's that thing for?"

The man replies [thick Scottish accent] "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!" [/accent]