The Art of Moving On
 

I need some advice.

I am a gay activist. To be more specific, I am a gay activist who is formerly Catholic. It is no secret that I am struggling with both aspects of my life. I've been struggling a lot. I don't consider myself Catholic but often I think like one. Sometimes I don't want to be gay, but I don't have a choice in the matter. So is life. It's hard.

A psychic (I don't know where I stand on that subject, I'll leave that for another thread) once told me that I have been on this planet for many lives. I'm an old soul that's sorting out being several people in the past. I've always loved that description of myself because sometimes it makes perfect sense to my imagination. Often, I do feel like I have my share of sorting to do. I'm 35 and I don't know who I am or what I want to do when I grow up.

Recently, I feel like I have come to a place where I want to put some calm into my torrential head and soul. I want to get to a place where I come to peace with my Catholic side and my Catholic upbringing and I want to accept myself completely as a gay man. But the Catholic Church infuriates me. So does the gay community.

The Catholic Church in Boston just halted all of their adoption services because they said the state was forcing them to place children with same-sex couples which is against their doctrine. Now these orphan children have been abandoned by the Church. (Welcome to the club, Kids!) Once again, my sexuality is being paraded around by the Church as being immoral and depraved. Nice. But if I say something, the response is 'We're just expressing our religious freedoms, don't pick on us. We're innocent.'

One side of me was once really in love with the Church. As a kid, I loved hearing the stories, I marvelled at church architecture, enjoyed Xmas midnight mass and always pictured Jesus as the ultimate rebel. I loved a lot of the priests and nuns who taught me. BUT there's this dark side of me that says, why should I respect the Catholic Church at all? Your anti-gay actions are based on folklore and fairytales. You're all a bunch of hypocritical pedophiles who are telling me I'm going to hell. You're a bunch of closeted gays who are telling me being myself is wrong.

AND

Millions of dollars are being thrown at gay organizations around the country. Great. But what exactly are they doing for me? For Ralphie? From where I sit, it doesn't seem like a hell of a whole lot. But we should donate to them. Hmm, really? Brandon Teena's killer, who is serving a life sentence in prison, is getting married in jail to his girlfriend. He's going to receive a federally recognized union. This murderer who took away Teena's life. Teena, who couldn't have gotten married to his girlfriend he loved because he was born a girl. Does this make any sense to anyone? But no one in the leadership of gay rights organizations are saying a damn thing about it.

So...

How does one move on? How does one come to peace with a community that is hurtful? How does one come to peace with himself?

These are good questions that I don't have the answers to.

I don't think pedophile = closeted gay.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you. I can sympathize though. At least you've found a good partner and good friends. Maybe you can ignore the rest for a bit?

I don't either. I see how it reads that way in my post though.

Well, at least you can choose not to be Catholic! One out of two ain't bad, and it's the only one you're going to get. I, too, have my bouts of not wanting to be gay ... as, I suspect, do 90% of gay men. Nothing wrong with that feeling - - as long as you fairly quickly move on.

Since that's the title of this thread, I suppose it's harder done than said.

But moving on from most stuff is just like moving on from the feeling of not wanting to be gay. There's zero choice, and so you move on from necessity. You simpy have to come to the point where you are certain about things ... just as certain as you are that you're gay. Certain doesn't mean final. It's probably easier to come to a decision of certitude if you don't feel it has to be your final thought on the matter.

So don't make things final in your mind, just make them certain. That will assist you in moving on (and you'll always have the option to move on right back to a former position, if you later choose).

You can still love Christmas and Cathedral Architecture and the loving goodness of many pastor folk. You don't have to accept the bigoted, hateful, neanderthal officialdom of the Catholic religion or any other. You do not need to be affiliated to appreciate the good aspects of any religion, or to appreciate the loving wonderfulness of Jesus Christ.

Fu ck the Catho lic Church! Innocent??? Since when? I can see railing against the Church being somewhat of a problem in the Boston area, but don't tell me there's a groundswell of support for leaving orphan children in the lurch.



As for gay activism ... well, I don't really see where it is that you and Ralphie are going to be receiving largess from the gay community. Were you expecting some kind of grant, perhaps?

I think most gay activism money is going towards teens. Have you noticed how relatively easy it is to be a gay teenager in America in the 21st century? It's awesome! I believe big dollars still go to AIDS causes. I guess if you're not an HIV-positive 16-year-old, you're sorta outta luck.

But if this or that gay organization is not pleasing you with their activities, don't be so alarmed. There is NO "gay community." It's too vast and varied a population ... with little in common 'cept for that man-lovin' stuff.



Just be YOU, Brad. Be the kind of christian you want to be. Be the kind of gay man you want to be. Be the kind of American you want to be, and be the kind of earthling you already are.

Conflicted as you may be at times inside your head (and who of us isn't?), you've demonstrated time and again that you're a good soul, a kind person, a smart man, a warm human ... with a progressive spirit and good intentions for all Catholics and Jews and Muslims and Athiests, all gays and all straights, all children, all dolphins, all trees and all people.



So move on in the direction of Brad, and all will surely be good.

And if you want the gay community to throw money at you .... well, you're in Boston - - - marry Ralphie already and wedding presents will follow.

Y'know, I have to admit that, as a Jew, I've always found myself identifying with Catholic guilt - so I can appreciate where you're coming from. My own religious self-identification has been very fluid through the years. My Dad's father was a Conservative (leaning toward Orthodox) cantor, and my Mom was a card-carrying atheist in high school, so I was brought up with the culture attached to my Jewishness while being given the freedom to explore my own understanding of Judaism. I found that there are things that I both appreciate and despise about the religion, and I'm fascinated mostly with Reconstructionist Judaism, though I'm not at all observant. I also dug Allen Ginsberg contention that all Jews were basically Buddhist.

I guess what intrigues me about your predicament is that you seem like you want to reconcile your self with someone else's dogmatic beliefs. Martin Luther had a rough time with the Catholic Church too, IIRC.

My advice to you would be to take a good look at yourself and figure out what you really believe in. If there are others who share your beliefs, great - then you have a support group (or church, if you will). If not, start your own. Just remember, be flexible and don't force yourself into your own (or anyone else's) dogma. As you get older and wiser, your view on the Universe is bound to change - and you should never beat yourself up for growing.

My prayers (as it were) are with you.

As I've gotten older, I've found myself coming to a state of acceptance of things I don't like in this world. Not necessarily accepting that they are OK, accepting that there will be differences in belief systems all over the world and that is ok. My own beliefs are what is important to me and those are what I concentrate on. I also have learned to take what I like from religions and belief systems and discard what doesn't fit for me. I know that people like to throw around generalities about "Christians don't do this....." or other such nonsense, but for me, that isn't really important. What is important is "What Lisa won't or will do". It really is about self and what you are comfortable with. The BIG DOGMAS of the world may be comforting for some, but I find them too restricting so I utilize what I want and toss the rest.

I'm not sure if that works for all, but it seems to work for me at this point in my life. At least it provides me with some semblence of peace - and I like that.

Steve~

I like the distinction you made between being certain and final on something. I have never thought about it in that way before.

There's this stubborn part of me that is black and white about things. I guess that's one thing I need to get over. For instance, Ralphie and I love love love the artist Michaelangelo. Ralphie said to me the other day that he'd love to see the Sistine Chapel to see the ceiling someday. My initial reaction was, 'Ugh. I'd never, ever want to go there. Much less, pay to go... supporting Catholic Church... blah blah...' But then I thought about it later. Why not go? I'd be going as an art lover...

No, not a grant. I meant it more like I'd love to see more results from these organizations. They say this and that, but where's the beef? Sometimes I wonder where it's all going... Not to mention that they seem to try and play this fence balancing thing where they will not be labelled as extreme at the cost of actual results...

Thank you for the nice things you said. I appreciate it. And for the record, I hate dolphins. They get all the research grant money because they're cute. Squids, sea squirts and tubeworms get shafted because they're gross. :D

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mousepod ~

It does feel like I'm trying to fit into someone's dogmatic mold for me. I think I have to remind myself that it won't work. It's hard.

I have thought about Buddhism from time to time.

While doing research for three characters I played on stage who were Jewish, I thought a lot about Reform Judaism. I even told my mom once that I was going to convert just to give her a heartattack. It almost worked.
:D





I knew there was a reason I asked for advice at the LoT. So many cool, smart people here...
:)

I don't really have much to add to what everyone else said.

So here's a picture to help cheer you up:

Inner peace. That's the goal for me.

Thank you, Lisa.
:)

Absolutely freakin' hysterical.
lol! :D