Advice request: How to do with stupid relatives?
 

OK....I don't know how to handle this. My wife has two stupid brothers who are both control freaks and a mom who just wants everyone to get along. My wife hates conflict and just wants everything to be OK.

So there is conflict right now regarding my mother in laws bday. Just one example of thousands. One brother texts my wife at 12:00 today and says they are having a birthday get together for her at 3:00. We had plans. So they are freaking out about it. They also decided after we had already purchased a gift for her that we had to go in with them on something else. Not going to do it. They are freaking out about it. This happens all the time.

Would just write them off and be done with them for eternity except for what it does to my mother in law.

What should I do? I'm am getting reall, really tired of this.

Beat them with a bat.

Or regain control and carry on with your plans (if your MIL won't be insulted) and give them the gift you gave. If the plans weren't to important and your wife wants to go to the gathering then compromise and go to the gathering and give her the gift you already bought. You can't control their behavior or actions, only your own.

Or move out of the country.

My uncle is a control freak (and an ass) to the nth degree. I have nothing to do with him, at all. Years ago my mom invited him and his family (who I love) to visit... I moved out. Two years ago my mom wanted to invite him (he's now divorced and his kids want nothing to do with him) down (from Canada) over Thanksgiving and she asked me my thoughts on it. I told her if she did I wouldn't be there, but it is her home and her choice. And my mom knows what a control freak and ass that he is. I never understood the "you have to spend time with people just because their family" mindset.

In my world it's called picking your battles. Is today MIL's actual birthday? If it is then your wife was aware of that when you guys made plans, for her brothers to inform her 3 hours out that there is going to be an event is unacceptable by anyone's standards IMHO. No one can be anymore controlling than you let them be, is your wife the 'baby sis' to the brothers? That might be a bit harder on her to deal with in addition to her 'can't we all just get along' personality.

It's a bit too late to "fix" this event but after having lived with a Monster in law for over 25 years here's a bit of hard learned techniques. For any major 'family events' birthdays/holidays that you do together ...those kinds of things...you have to learn to be extremely proactive and contact the brothers and say, we need to make some plans so we need to know what your plans are for this event....then hold them to those plans. If they try to do an quick change oops sorry told you we made plans based on the plan you gave us, we're not available. It's a lot harder to get going than it sounds I am well aware, but believe me, a couple of years of being consistent and you'll train the control freaks that they can be as insane over crap as they want but they don't get to infect you and your wife with their crap.

Tell the brothers you're sorry but they didn't give enough notice and while it sucks they're asking you to be rude to others because of it.

Then call your MIL and apologize for not being able to attend because of the conflict and assure her you'll talk/see her soon and happy birthday.

If they freak when they don't get their way, just like children it is probably because by freaking they usually get their way.

Today is not her actual bday, it is Monday.

We pretty much did that exact thing, Alex, so that's making me feel like we're handling it somewhat OK. And you nailed them. Selfish spoiled brats who expect what they say to be followed to the letter.

As mentioned, this is just the latest example. I'm more concerned about the long term because I'm tired of this over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and...well, you get the idea. I honestly would just rather have nothing to do with them....ever. But that kills the mother in law, whom I love dearly - she's a great lady.

Make alternative plans to do something with your MIL, plans that do not include the brothers. I'm sure she's well aware of what brats they are, and she simply counts on you two to be the better people by ignoring their asinine behavior. Tell her that as much as you love her and want her to be happy, you can no longer deal with or enable their childishness any more and that you want your time spent with her to be pleasant. Continue to call them on their rudeness whenever it happens and eventually they'll either stop the behavior or stop calling period. It's a win/win situation: mom gets lots of positive attention, you get to deal with the losers less, your wife won't be caught in the middle as much, and maybe the brothers will grow the **** up in the process. (I doubt it- people seldom truly change, but it could happen). I've applied all these recommendations to my own interpersonal dealings with family, and it really does work.:cheers:

I hope so, WB. Thanks.

I have the same issue with my dad. It has gotten so bad that my mom starts crying and begging me not to let him drive us away.

There is no problem that can not be solved with a sufficient amount of high explosives. This also applies to relatives.

Okay - now that just sucks. Mom's crying is soul wrenching.