You aren't losing hair - you're just getting more head.  

  I miss Nabisco Bacon Thins...  

  I reserve the right to make us see something with naked women in it - and I don't mean Judi Dench.  

  Spontaneous Human Combustion! - How Cool! But I always thought it a trick you can only do once...  

  Someone needs to kick her in the balls.  

  Peeing on a church roof in Disneyland.

It just blows my mind.  

  Onward, lesbian soldiers, munching as to war.  

  v
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Awwwwww, kitten's first message!  

  It's like drinking redneck afterbirth.  

  I'm planing a drive-by.

Homies on the next block aren't respectin' - know what'm sayin????  

  I thought the hobo in Polar Express was hot!  

  !!  

  She seriously has reached that "punch her in the face and she'll turn to mummy dust" age.  

  Well, I passed "lather" but I failed "rinse," and then I failed "repeat" too because it includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair.  

  There's nothing more anally retentive than a constipated Jew.  

  You assholes want bagels, buy your own damned bagels!  

  Power to the puppies.  

  I moistened my fence wood just the other day.  

  That sounds like something someone in a windowless minivan would say....  

  Asshole.  

  You can't stand on your iPhone to reach the cookie jar.  

  Choir members gotta show up on Sunday if anyone's going to hear them sing.  

  Things are about to get cray here.  

  I was made to sit through some movie with time travel, mail boxes and Sandra Bullock. It was just like being raped by a big blue bus.  

  No more pets!