I can't quote enough of you!  

  I'd say that's either Kevy Baby or CoasterMatt. Not sure, but that seems most likely.  

  YAY FIRE!  

  Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.  

  Then you're just not hungry enough. There are children wearing 'Patriots 19-0' t-shirts who would kill for some frozen oatmeal rocks.  

  BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN....Here is a Bulletin...The sun did not come up this morning, huge cracks have appeared in the earth's surface, and big rocks are falling out of the sky! Details 25 minutes from now on ACTION CENTRAL NEWS SCAN!  

  Ode to Roomba

There was a bunch of stuff on the ground
And you picked it up nicely the first time around
With a daily mess we'll have no more
We can do other stuff while you do the chore
Your only job is that of sucking
For now you give us more time for...

 

  Dude, if you've been fvcking donuts, we need to get you a woman, pronto...  

  Dear Mr. Bopper:

We understand that due to unfortunate circumstances you were denied entry into the "Bitter East Coast" club. That was really too bad.

However we think there might be room for you in another organization:

The Flaming Heterosexuals. We got it, we flaunt it. We have many great events! You can join us for Straight Day at Disneyland, we have 364 of them each year (365 on leap years). We'll save you a chair and a Playboy at our next meeting.  

  It is a sin to violate gods will. It is obvious that the Camp Chef Portable Oven from REI is an abomination in g-d's eyes.  

  That is it, your Gay Card is being revoked!  

  Oh no! GC has a bad case of the straights! Quick! Someone play a Julie Andrews movie for him!!  

  (Ba-Da-Da-Da-DA-Da)
You Say It's Your Birthday!
(Ba-Da-Da-Da-DA-Da)
Better You Then Me, Dude!
(Ba-Da-Da-Da-DA-Da)
This is totally my least favorite Beatles song!
(Ba-Da-Da-Da-DA-Da)
I hate it when people sing it, so, terribly sorry  

  If the zombies are coming, I want to be the one who gets killed before the opening credits.

I  

  Sometimes I just wish someone would say, "Gee, maybe picking lint off of my koolats is annoying to the ten cars who are waiting for the gas pump I just finished using. Maybe I should just get into my car and drive the f*ck off.  

  Doesn't it get a little messy having a fornicating newspaper?  

  Baseball is boring. The players wear entirely too much clothing.  

  If I am in international waters on a pleasure cruise I expect to be offered gambling, prostitution, otherwise illicit drugs, and the meat of endangered animals.  

  I wonder how I'd react if Millard Fillmore called me...  

  Trojans couldn't stop the Beavers"

WAH WAH WAAAHHHH  

  Hideo ho!

Margarita,s were really godddds!  

  By voting early you miss out on all the "October Surprise" fun. What if it turns out your candidate is really a five headed hydra from the planet Garfarco? You'll feel pretty silly then.  

  What? They're releasing Cheney into the wild??? Run for your lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

  I vibrated for nothing?  

  No, you get to vibrate all weekend, doofus.