I sound like such a fogey!  

  I can't quote enough of you!  

  The worst thing that could happen is you die. And I've never heard any dead people complain so I just assume it isn't that bad. Sure, some people complain about the dying part, but they're just whiners.  

  YAY FIRE!  

  I mean, she almost hit me twice.
What a dinglecheese.  

  Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.  

  Then you're just not hungry enough. There are children wearing 'Patriots 19-0' t-shirts who would kill for some frozen oatmeal rocks.  

  I won a major award!
I win!
 

  BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN....Here is a Bulletin...The sun did not come up this morning, huge cracks have appeared in the earth's surface, and big rocks are falling out of the sky! Details 25 minutes from now on ACTION CENTRAL NEWS SCAN!  

  When are we beating up the Jehovah' Witness' with bats??  

  Dude, if you've been fvcking donuts, we need to get you a woman, pronto...  

  You sound like my wife: always wanting more inches.

Oh, wait...  

  Dear Mr. Bopper:

We understand that due to unfortunate circumstances you were denied entry into the "Bitter East Coast" club. That was really too bad.

However we think there might be room for you in another organization:

The Flaming Heterosexuals. We got it, we flaunt it. We have many great events! You can join us for Straight Day at Disneyland, we have 364 of them each year (365 on leap years). We'll save you a chair and a Playboy at our next meeting.  

  It is a sin to violate gods will. It is obvious that the Camp Chef Portable Oven from REI is an abomination in g-d's eyes.  

  Oh no! GC has a bad case of the straights! Quick! Someone play a Julie Andrews movie for him!!  

  (Ba-Da-Da-Da-DA-Da)
You Say It's Your Birthday!
(Ba-Da-Da-Da-DA-Da)
Better You Then Me, Dude!
(Ba-Da-Da-Da-DA-Da)
This is totally my least favorite Beatles song!
(Ba-Da-Da-Da-DA-Da)
I hate it when people sing it, so, terribly sorry  

  If the zombies are coming, I want to be the one who gets killed before the opening credits.

I  

  Doesn't it get a little messy having a fornicating newspaper?  

  Baseball is boring. The players wear entirely too much clothing.  

  If I am in international waters on a pleasure cruise I expect to be offered gambling, prostitution, otherwise illicit drugs, and the meat of endangered animals.  

  A few folks around here need to hand in their Geek license.  

  I wonder how I'd react if Millard Fillmore called me...  

  Hideo ho!

Margarita,s were really godddds!  

  What? They're releasing Cheney into the wild??? Run for your lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

  No, you get to vibrate all weekend, doofus.