I'll show you mine if you show me yours.  

  The worst thing that could happen is you die. And I've never heard any dead people complain so I just assume it isn't that bad. Sure, some people complain about the dying part, but they're just whiners.  

  YAY FIRE!  

  I mean, she almost hit me twice.
What a dinglecheese.  

  Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.  

  I won a major award!
I win!
 

  Ode to Roomba

There was a bunch of stuff on the ground
And you picked it up nicely the first time around
With a daily mess we'll have no more
We can do other stuff while you do the chore
Your only job is that of sucking
For now you give us more time for...

 

  When are we beating up the Jehovah' Witness' with bats??  

  You sound like my wife: always wanting more inches.

Oh, wait...  

  Dear Mr. Bopper:

We understand that due to unfortunate circumstances you were denied entry into the "Bitter East Coast" club. That was really too bad.

However we think there might be room for you in another organization:

The Flaming Heterosexuals. We got it, we flaunt it. We have many great events! You can join us for Straight Day at Disneyland, we have 364 of them each year (365 on leap years). We'll save you a chair and a Playboy at our next meeting.  

  It is a sin to violate gods will. It is obvious that the Camp Chef Portable Oven from REI is an abomination in g-d's eyes.  

  That is it, your Gay Card is being revoked!  

  Oh no! GC has a bad case of the straights! Quick! Someone play a Julie Andrews movie for him!!  

  If the zombies are coming, I want to be the one who gets killed before the opening credits.

I  

  Sometimes I just wish someone would say, "Gee, maybe picking lint off of my koolats is annoying to the ten cars who are waiting for the gas pump I just finished using. Maybe I should just get into my car and drive the f*ck off.  

  You haven't really [second-] lived until you encounter the idiot wearing a prominent, badly-sculpted, rampant willie trying to make the cyber-secksies with you when you're wearing a dinosaur avatar. Hilarity.  

  Doesn't it get a little messy having a fornicating newspaper?  

  Mmmm. Condor hot wings.  

  A few folks around here need to hand in their Geek license.  

  It's this new idea at Disneyland. It's called Peecycle.
The logo for the program is Jiminy Cricket taking a whiz in Cleo's fishbowl as she swims merrily.  

  Trojans couldn't stop the Beavers"

WAH WAH WAAAHHHH  

  Hideo ho!

Margarita,s were really godddds!  

  By voting early you miss out on all the "October Surprise" fun. What if it turns out your candidate is really a five headed hydra from the planet Garfarco? You'll feel pretty silly then.  

  I vibrated for nothing?  

  No, you get to vibrate all weekend, doofus.