So sorry to hear of this. What a hearbreaker.
Every once in a while I'm struck by some report of a death on the news. Something that happened far away, to someone completely unrelated to me, in some crazy circumstance. Sometimes it hits me in just the right place, and I can't help but truly grieve for this random person.
What you're feeling is much more real that that, and you should allow yourself to acknowledge it. I'm thinking of you. {{{{hug}}}}