[Jazzman]

Well, we made it to the theater tonight and finally saw it, so here is my official review of:

Harry Potter And The Completely Blown Opportunity Of What Could Have Been An Amazing Movie But Ended Up As A Poorly Adapted Butchering Of A Great Story That Now Has Little Resemblance To The Source Material.

(Did that give away too much?)

Yeah, it was crap. Crap crappity crappy crap crap. But before I dive into why, I’ll go ahead and list what I liked about it.


- Fantastic sets, costumes and cinematography. As with each film so far they did an amazing job of immersing the audience into this wondrous world. Every time I see Hogwarts on the screen I feel like I could stand up and walk around the halls. Very exciting.

- With the exception of Gambon’s performance, every character was once again brought to life as if they had leapt from my own imagining of them. Umbridge was absolutely perfect; evil, conniving and totally Mother-in-Law like. Grawp was done even better than I had imagined, and the thestrals were eerily beautiful. More than anyone, though, I loved Sirius. Oldman is such a master, and he portrayed Sirius so perfectly that my heart broke watching his scenes with Harry, knowing what was to come. Really well done.

- … … Ummm, that’s about it.

Now, on to why it sucked the big one.

- An amazing story, chopped down so much that it barely deserves to be called “Order of the Phoenix.” (Actually, not even barely. It has almost nothing to do at all with Order of the Phoenix. They should have just given it a new title.) Seriously, I felt like I was watching it in fast forward. I blinked and suddenly, “Oh, here we are at the Department of Mysteries!” S.T.U.P.I.D. Now, I know the argument. “Oh, it had to be cut down to a manageable length! We don’t want a three hour movie! There’s just sooooooo much to cover!” Well, wah. To the whiners who complained about the previous films running long, I say: Stuff it. These films aren’t for you. These are stories that are loved by those of us who have read and enjoyed them. If you don’t like long movies and don’t want the real story, go watch TV. Leave us our Potter. Besides, every other movie is three hours long anymore. With so much important material to cover, this should have been too.

- Following in that vein, there were simply some scenes which the loss of is simply tragic. The hospital scene with Neville’s parents is one of them. That scene did so much to further the story, not only for Neville, but for the whole plotline. It brought home what the situation was, what the stakes were, and what the losses would be, and made them all realities for the characters. Having Neville mention it as a “by the way” in the Room of Requirement was lame.

- Dumbledore. Michael Gambon should be soaked in bacon grease, rolled in jerky, and thrown into a pit full of rabid, starving Chihuahuas. He is so painfully awful as Dumbledore that he made me want to stab my own eyes out. Dumbledore is strong, wise and understated. Gambon is just a cranky, stinky old fool. I cannot understand how Rowling can stomach seeing her character be so horribly defiled. He is truly so pathetic that I find myself eagerly awaiting the climax of Half Blood Prince. What a stinker.

- It goes along with the loss of story, but I have to mention the complete lack of character development, or even characters at all for that matter. Everything was so overly rushed that these great characters whom we’ve all grown to love just popped in and out like it was some sort of shooting gallery. It felt like, “Look, Mad Eye! Missed him. Oh, there goes Lupin… Nope. Hey, the twins! That was cool. Hey, Mr. Weasley! Hope we see him again.” What a waste.

- And last, because I have to stop somewhere, I have to mention the Voldemort-Dumbledore Rumble in the Tunnel. Now, I have been looking forward to and anticipating this very scene since I first read it however many years ago now. It was so exciting and chilling that I knew that, since the movies (until now) were being done so well, it would look amazing on film. But of course, it actually sucked. Oohhh, some fire and water and a bunch of broken glass. Oohhhh, that was brilliant film making right there. Oh, and a slow-mo sand storm. Wow... I am stunned by your cinematic wizardry… Come on! Where are the living statues? What the F? I wanted the centaur running around, the wizard shielding Harry. That was cool stuff! But this? Crapola.



In the end, this film leaves me dreading the next two. Hopefully they’ll hire a Director for them instead of dropping by the local meat counter and signing up whatever hack butcher is on that day. It’s been a good run so far, but alas, just as with the Pirates franchise, it had to die sometime I guess. I had really hoped, and believed even, that the films would continue to be as well done as the first few, but I guess that was wishful thinking. At least I have Deathly Hallows to soothe the pain though. Hollywood hacks can’t touch that. Yet.