AKA "how to get your ass thoroughly kicked at summer camp"
"It's like you're Amish...with neon accents!"
"Because what you want to wear in the summer sun is a bunched black piece of canvas over another layer of spandex."
"Swimming too dangerously? Let our WaterBrake (TM) technology slow your tyke down to more sensible speeds."
Gives new meaning to "two-piece".
...
Phew, I feel better now.
