This thread hurts. In a good way, I guess.
His name was Nathan. He was an actor at the California university I did my undergrad studies at. Eyes like Harrison Ford and a smile like Tom Cruise and a body like Matt Damon.
He said I wasn't having enough fun in my life, so he showed me how.
One summer, things were particularly bad at home in Hawai'i, so I called him to vent about how my parents were having a really hard time with me being me. He told me to pack my bags and he'd come pick me up at LAX and we'd spend the summer in Lone Pine.
It was the best summer ever. He taught me how to fly fish, took me hiking, we helped a friend of his build a house, went camping and helped out with a town carnival.
That fall was wonderful and when winter came, I took him to Hawai'i. We had a blast. He stood up to my father when he was on one of his drunk belittle his son moments. He told my father he knew nothing about me and that I was smart and talented. I'll never forget him telling my dad that he should be lucky to have a son like me. No one has ever stood up to him like that before or since.
When the spring came, Nate decided he was bi. He started seeing an actress in the theatre dept.
However, he wanted both worlds: she and I. I said, I didn't like to share and told him I didn't want to see him ever again.
That summer was the worst ever. I was so brokenhearted I forgot to eat for days on end.
When the fall came, I ran into him at school and he looked worse than me. He was so sad and depressed, I felt bad. So, I told him that I was going to try out for one of the plays for the theatre dept. I dared him to do it, too. I told him that if he did, it would cheer him up. I directed his audition and he got the lead role. I got the supporting role. SHE was also in it. Painful.
Needless to say, the play was terribly hard to do. He and I fighting the whole time while pretending to be buddies on stage.
A bitter fight ensued on closing night. He told me he was straight and was just messing around with me for fun. He told me he hated gays like me and told me if I said anything to him about loving him that he would beat me up. Apparently, his parents didn't like the idea of us and wanted him to start dating girls or be written out of their will. I was crushed. We didn't speak for 10 years.
Last summer, we had our ten year college reunion. He showed up. I had fully expected his Ford Cruise Damon looks to errode into Ernest Borgnine Geoffrey Rush-esque ugliness... but no luck. He looked exactly the same. That f**ker.
However, 10 years had really changed things. He hugged me and told me that he wished things had ended better for us and he apologized for being such a jerk. I told him he should consider himself to be flattered that someone like me could love someone like him. He agreed. He said he's never been loved that way before or since me. Hmmm. He's married now to someone who looks and sounds just like me but with a vagina. Oh well.
I often hated myself for being so needy and heartbroken over him, but it helped me grow. He helped me out of this terrible shell I was in and I tamed a wild buck and helped him keep his hooves on the ground.
From time to time, we talk and email. He reminds me still that I'm worth my weight in gold. I remind him that that kind of crap talk doesn't work on people who really know him. He laughs.
He was my first love, not just a puppy love thang. He'll never go away, he's in my heart. But as was said before in this thread, I pat myself on the back for being able to talk to him and not feel like a hand is pulling my heart from my chest. It gets better each time.
His wife wants to meet me and find out who this person is Nathan keeps talking about. I'd love to tell her that a lot of who I am is because of Nate. I'd also like to dream of telling her that all the great sex she's having is because he's thinking of me. But, of course, I would never, ever say that.
