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The State of Us Address
Delivered by Ann and Andy on Monday, January 22, 2007
Madam Bear, Vice President Lion, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:
We are in crisis.
At school they call us names: Dirt poor. Raggedy Ann and Andy. White ******s. It’s worse at home, where we’re called nothing at all. It is perhaps better to be hated by people who notice you than loved by someone who barely acknowledges your existence. Not that we’re completely neglected. We have a threadbare apartment to call our own and a hot dinner is always left in the oven when we arrive home from school. You know when people say, “What’s the matter, were you raised in a barn?!” Well, we grew up in a small city slum but were raised barn animal strong. Twelve years old and healthy. A roof over our heads, a place to eat, and enough bite between us to tear anyone apart who tries to mess with us.
Name calling is tolerated but we don’t like to be roughed up. Cindy Walls threw sand in our eyes last week and we wrestled her to the ground, then kicked her black and blue and bloody. We do hit girls. She cried and screamed and threatened to tell. We explained to her that tattling was as good as betrayal, and if she squealed we’d murder her dog first and then her mother. “Cindy,” we said, “we are a force of reckoning.” That’ll teach her to throw sand in our eyes.
There’s only so much **** eating you can do as a kid before you snap and it’s not our fault that people wrongly expect us to keep still through it all. Most domestic animals will take their beatings and remain loyal because they don’t know another way to live. Well, we are not that kind of animal. We know of better ways, even if those ways are mean. With tooth and claw, we will come at you if you take it upon yourself to mess with us first.
It's a matter of record that Dad left when we were born. Mama said he didn’t want one baby, let alone two. He said times were hard and they would only get harder with two extra mouths to feed. He was right about that, but she still says good riddance to a no good man. We say good riddance to good riddance, because our family could have used a second income.
It may seem hard to believe, but there is good in our hearts even if it's gone and leaked out of everyone else. For example, we are kind to animals and are good about recycling. We believe there is magic to be found in the world and we know we are here to make a difference. Together, all obstacles will be conquered. Together, we will make this a better world to live in, but first we must get rid of all the people. As your Presidents, we promise to increase our stockpile of nuclear weapons for that one great day when we will launch an attack against the crime that is Humanity. Like we told Cindy Walls, we are a force of reckoning.
Ladies and gentleman, we move through this dark world together and with confidence. Though we are miserable now, the State of Us is strong. We peer into the future and envision a better tomorrow. Enemies, beware.
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