[blueerica]

I could choose only one, so I left them all behind. Of course, this was years ago, but the whole thing has been a little hard to forget. Anytime I see a stuffed animal, especially bears, I’m instantly transported to the age of six; instantly lonely and fearful. The two feelings, or emotions – or whatever you call it – have been a part of my life as long as I can remember. This isn’t to say that my life’s been so horrible, but things could have been better.

When I was really little, my father was around. Well, I guess I mean “around” rather generically. I remember him being there at key points and not much else. Then again, who really remembers the day-to-day minutia when they’re 26, 16, or 6, or any other age for that matter? I certainly don’t, but that’s not at the heart of what I’m trying get at, I suppose. I know he wasn’t around, and my not remember is only a reinforcement of what I know of my life at that time.

Miss Jenny was kind; sweet, to the point of being saccharine. She said she’d take care of me, and she did for a while. I remember when she showed up with the CPS officer – it seemed like everyone was in a hurry. I could only bring one toy.

Mom hadn’t been home in a couple of day and I was hungry. That’s all I really know. What I’ve figured out since is that she went missing and that no one has a clue. It’s been 20 years, and still no one knows what happened to her. Not entirely sure how that happens, but – maybe it was for the best that I was young; keeps away the hurt. I remember her standing at the stove making macaroni and cheese. It’s the simple stuff out of the blue box, but there was something about it that made me feel warm, loved… maybe she just threw in an extra pat of butter.

So yeah, I could choose only one, so I left them all outside; the stuffed animals, that is. I remember a week after Miss Jenny brought me to her house that it rained. I left them all outside. I figured I couldn’t choose and that since everyone liked playing with me and the animals that it would be best to leave them all there. Maybe someone else who could keep them would take them and take care of them, just like Miss Jenny said she’d take care of me. I lived next door to this pizza place, was it George’s? I really don’t remember, except for the G, I’m certain it started with a G.

Oh yes, did it ever rain. I wonder if anyone ever came by to take the toys before it got all wet. A month after I left I came back with Miss Jenny and I remember seeing that the animals were gone, but so were the chairs and the little flowers that were starting to grow. I remember feeling bad that I didn’t get to really say goodbye to some of my school friends; it all happened so fast. After a month with Miss Jenny I went to Miss Suzy’s home where I lived until I was 19. They never found my father, and I told you all about my mom. Miss Jenny sent me cards every year, but I never heard from my old friends again. Maybe it’s my own fault that I never let them know what happened, but I know there’s a big part of me yearning to remember just a little bit more than a box full of stuffed animals I left outside.