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You make some really good points, Morrigoon.
Nephy, what the hell do I know about raising kids but - my guess is that when you approached him calm and collected, he might not have known how to respond in kind and therefore, did what came naturally and became defensive. It's always a shock the first time your parents actually treat you like an adult - maybe he just didn't know how to respond to that.
Personally, I think that what would bother me the most is him going into performance mode when there are younger kids in the house who can hear the show. It seems perfectly reasonable to put a halt to that. Beyond that, I think it comes down to whether you would like to know what is going on or not know. Putting your foot down too hard seems like it may just lead to less communication and that seems to be the opposite direction from where you want to be with your son.
Like I said, I don't know anything about raising kids. Just offering my first impressions. I don't envy your situation and I recommend lots of deep breaths.
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