[tracilicious]

In my creative writing class we are supposed to bring a poem for the class to workshop. I made the mistake of putting it off until the last minute when I really need another week to edit repeatedly. Any editing help on this is greatly appreciated. It's very rough, I just started it today. All comments are welcome, but I especially need syntax, consistency of tone, punctuation, line breaks, and all that stuff. It sort of fluctuates between end-stopped and enjambed right now and I really want to have all that technical stuff worked out before I present it. Did I mention that I need another week? Please help!


Bonanza

The musty smell in the hallway,
of bleach and spongebaths and adult diapers,
was muted by the clang of metal spoons
against plastic trays filled with pureed pot pies.

I passed the more mobile in the hallway
sitting in their wheelchairs,
staring at me as if I were some sort of apparition,
mouths agape and eyes wide
when I smiled and said Hello.

I peeked through the doors and witnessed the once alive
succumbing to the labial caress of immobility
and the pelvic thrust of humiliation.

Each staring up at the yellow ceiling,
arms glued to the bed,
unable to stay a thin string of drool
or hold steady the memories floating in
near sighted eyes.

Pneumatic lungs breathed shallow breaths,
dumb mouths sucked every last gasp of life,
gaining moments spoon fed and white walled.
Wasted in an adjustable death bed
while Bonanza blared in the lobby.

When I finally reached you
you were so small and frail,
your legs bent awkwardly
on top of a bed pad.

There was nothing left to indicate
that you had spent your life
weathering storms,
bones bending in the wind like young oak trees,
holding fast again and again.

There was nothing on the thin blanket,
or the cat picture on the wall,
or the way your thin hair draped on the pillow,
that told anyone that your spirit
was so magnificent and so bold
that it had the gall to leave your body
ahead of you.

I kissed your head
and said all the things that one wants to say
to someone on their death bed.
I put my hand on your slowly pulsing heart
and asked it to have mercy enough
to stop beating.

I wondered if I should find some really profound
last words to say to you,
but none came, so I simply said
Goodbye Gramma
and walked ghostlike back down the hall.
Overwhelmed by the stench
of the soft, slow, and dirty fvck of death.