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Old 02-11-2008, 11:17 AM   #7
Cadaverous Pallor
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Parental Bliss
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I agree with Helen's punctuation. Remind me to let you edit my stuff, too!

IMHO, I'd change this part to read this way:

---
There was nothing on the thin blanket
or on the cat picture on the wall
or in the way your thin hair draped on the pillow,
that told anyone that your spirit
was so magnificent and so bold
that it had the gall to leave your body
ahead of you.
---

The last line I'd change thusly:
---
of the soft, slow, dirty fvck of death.
---

I dig the poem. I LOVE this concept - "your spirit was so magnificent and so bold, that it had the gall to leave your body". Very nice. Seriously, the whole thing is great.
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