Thanks for everything - the flowers, text messages, posts, food, and thoughts and prayers.
I used to think so many things mattered. If anything, I've learned that there is no reason to stress over things that we can control, because no amount of work or effort can bring a loved one back to life.
I'm still very numb and keep thinking this is all a weird dream. I keep wanting to wake up, yet I know that I am awake, and this is real, but it just doesn't seem like it.
When I asked a friend how she got over it, she said that there is no way to be completely over it, but that I will heal. She compared it to peeling an onion - once one layer of tears is shed and gone, the next layer will be peeled when a milestone is reached, like buying a house, having a child, etc. She said it is those moments that the onion is peeled once again, and we are reminded about what we can't share, but each layer is thinner and thinner, so it hurts less over time, but it will still hurt.
I told Ken that I feel a massive void in my heart. I am very thankful to have the support and love to fill some of that void, because it definitely makes it less painful. For that, I thank all of you.
We visited with K's therapist this morning. He said I am in shock, and warned that feelings will still be forthcoming. I'm a little scared, because I don't want to lose who I am, and I already feel like I'm falling apart sometimes. It's a weird feeling, and I've already questioned what I do, where I live, what my life is, and if I'm doing what I should in this life. It's the strangest feeling ever.
But, I do know bacon, and what/who it reminds me of, so I ordered a pizza for lunch today that was topped with bacon. Strangely, it helped to remind me of the normal and good things in life, and I really needed that today.
I talked with my dad this morning, and Neptune Society is a bit "backed up", so we won't have her back for another week. But, we're still going up for the weekend to help my dad sort out some house stuff, and then we'll go back in two weeks to scatter a pinch over my grandparent's graves, per one of my mom's requests from a few years ago. I'll be leaving a Mickey pretzel from Disneyland at the site, because they were her favorite "edible attraction" at the park.
Oh, and for those who have asked what they would like to do in lieu of flowers, feel free to donate to
Nathan Adelson Hospice or the American Cancer Society. Or, if you'd like to do something that would keep a part of my mom alive, then pick a needy family or child during the holidays, and give them a present or two (or, typical in Mom's case, an entire trunk-load). Christmas was her favorite time of year, because she loved to give presents, especially to an unsuspecting kid who wouldn't otherwise have anything. And, she'd mark all the tags from "Santa".
I will still be sporadic online for a little while. Sometimes I feel social, and other times, I just want to play Guitar Hero or watch TV.