[Prudence]

This is a difficult issue for me because in some respects I teeter on the brink of suicide myself on a regular (sometimes daily) basis.

I know that my depression is related to a chemical imbalance of some kind. I know this because for many years I was able to take an anti-depressant that worked for me. It was great. I still had my various hang-ups and issues, but most of the time it freed me to just be myself. Not walk around in a medicated haze, not exhibit some kind of chemically induced euphoria - just be myself without the constant barrage of self-criticism.

Unfortunately, this wonder drug was pulled from the market several years ago and my pathetic HMO has not been interested in finding a suitable replacement. This leaves me in a tough spot - I feel the emotional pain I used to and I'm back to seeing nothing but fault in everything I am and do. At the same time, I've had a pretty solid glimpse of the other side so I know, intellectually, that what I'm feeling isn't the only reality out there.

Thus, I'm a bit of a split personality. On the one hand, I know that I'm probably doing better than I give myself credit for. I know that it's possible for me to be happy - or at least happier. And I have some hope that one day I'll be able to feel that way again. My emotional side, however, struggles on a regular basis to fight through a fog of negative that just won't quit. I can do things to reduce and alleviate that fog - and I do so to the best of my meager ability - but I have not managed to make it go away.

It's an interesting position. Some days I simultaneously *know* that 1) any sadness my family might feel at my passing would be short-lived and eventually outweighed by relief that I was out of their lives forever and 2) that the previous thought is complete crap manufactured by my malfunctioning brain. And maybe it's just the general utilitarian bent of my personal philosophy that those who have committed suicide don't necessarily share, and I'm sure that some do the deed out of revenge or whatnot, but I have a hard time seeing all suicides as selfish. "Selfish" is the word we apply, from our perspective, based on our sense of loss. If I didn't have experience to tell me my emotions are "wrong", I might not be here now - and I would have done it with the firm belief that, after the dust had settled, friends and family would agree that it was for the best.