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YO- friends of the Wiccan/Pagan persuasion
Dear N~
I'm a Pecan (that's a cross between a Pagan and a Wiccan), and where I come from, if you wan't to burn an item from some dude that shat you off, this is how:
1. Take the item and cut it in half. If it's a big item (like a car or swimming pool) hire an earth-mover or similar from Kennard's (or the American equivalent of an equipment hire company).
2. Burn one half, using an oxy-actylene torch (or a match if it is little like photos or baby hair).
3. Place the ashes in a suitably sized mailer. For car and pool remains, call 911 and have them wrap it in canvas.
4. Address the remains to the intended, and affix appropriate stamps. This may mean raiding the spare coin jar in the kitchen. For large objects, a sheet of contact plastic will keep the stamps in place, and prevent inclement weather from peeling them off.
5. Place the wrapped/stamped object in or near a post box.
6. Perform a 'Pecan' ritual around the remaining half of the object. If it's big, don't trip over it, and if it's small don't step on it.
7. At exactly midnight, pee on it. That's why my cult is called "Pecan".
8. When the other party receives the burnt half, they'll either keel over, or piss themselves laughing.
9. Either way, you win.
Love and hugs,
The Stoat XXX.
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