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I think I can answer a few:

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

It is considered a crime.

Can you cry under water?

Yes, but nobody will hear you. You can pout underwater, as well, but it will have the same effect.

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Handling charge?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Triangular boxes are hard to come by and, besides, have you ever tried to assemble a round box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Life?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Its called a deafening.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

To better gauge their reactions when you spit on them.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Because then they would have to tip you.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Oh, now you are just being presumptuous.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

The lyrics are "and I don't care" so you are making an awfully big leap to say nobody cares. Still, the owner of the plantation is dead, so who is to argue that the poor guy could not celebrate?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Only if the corpse is wearing a seatbelt.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs

Easy one -- different breeds.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

The thrill of the chase, man, the thrill of the chase!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Mineral Oil, Fragrance

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

It may depend on the size of your ass.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Try a breath mint.