[Alex]

And my overly literal answers:

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Theft of service if you want to view sex as a commodity. It's not shoplifting if you ditch a cab fare.

Can you cry under water?
Yes. Certainly none of us have any problem peeing under water. Just a different liquid producing hole.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
As soon as they are killed because of the position they hold in society is the primary motivation.

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
The vig.


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
If the question is relevant I would imagine it is the clothes you were wearing when you died that would be the question.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Storage and construction considerations. But a lot of pizza chains use octagonal boxes.

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Trichinosis among other things.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Extensive use of slaves and servants. Combined with the difficulties of manufacturing reliable wheels for luggage that would survive the abuse of travel.

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because they're tired.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes, unless you're going to puncture the judges eardrums. Deaf people can still be noisy.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Same reason you're in a TV show but the TV show is on TV. You're in the TV show then on TV. You're in the movie, then you're on screen.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because they can't see those things from the ground (or more accurately they can't see all of those things simultaneously from the ground).

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Don't know. I've never had a doctor tell me to change. It has always been a nurse who then generally isn't present during the exam. I've never had a doctor see me naked either, just exposed wobbly bits at any given time but never completely naked.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Because "panties" is a derivation of "pants" which was originally plural (referring to a style of legging). But originally "pants" referred to the separate legs so no one wore a pant (unless they wanted to look really stupid), they wore two pants. Even once it all came to refer to the entire garment the plural as singular stuck and then carried over into panties.


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Because you'd be surprised what people will eat (my great grandmother would thoroughly char toast, scrape with a knife and then eat was remained). Plus, not all things toast the same. That which will scorch Wonder Bread barely heats up a very dense bagel.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Because the lyric isn't that no one cares, but rather that "I" don't care. Not caring about something can sometimes be as significant as caring deeply.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Because no amount of understanding of how to manipulate electromagnetic forces will stop water from flowing through a hole allowing a path to regions of lower potential energy without first requiring transit through higher potential energy.

Plus, if they fixed the boat, the show would end.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
Because Goofy represents house slaves while Pluto represents field slaves.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Same reason Cheney shoots quail. Sometimes you just do what you wanta do.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Humanitarian poop.


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Usually yes. But the answer is the same even without the first half of the question.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
If you sing them to the same tune, yes.


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn't. I have no idea what the alphabet song is. Plus I apparently don't know any words to Twinkle beyond the ones in the title.


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Somebody got their funny question all screwed up. Moving a rock from my back yard in California to Australia does not make it an asteroid.

And they have to define "it." Moving a hemorrhoid outside the atmosphere (which is what I assume they mean by "hemisphere" doesn't make it an asteroid. And moving a rock from space into your but wouldn't make it a hemorrhoid).

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Did you ever notice that boxing can be fun but getting punched in the face unexpectedly while walking to the grocery store kind of sucks?