[AllyOops!]

I wonder why it has taken me so long to open my eyes & actually wonder, without plunging into denial first followed by a million excuses?

I wonder why I am having to grow up so late in life, and why, no matter what age you may be, why it always has to be so damned hard?

I wonder why life always has to be a series of lessons learned, and why it always has to be tripping, falling and getting hurt (or your heart broken) to learn. Why, when you seemingly have everything, do you need to lose it in order to "appreciate it more"? Why can't we ever just graduate from the School of Hard Knocks and just live out the rest of our lives feasting on all of the fruits of our successes? Why does disease, death, pain & heartbreak need to show us and teach us? I'm so frustrated I could cry except that I'm almost all cried out, if that's even humanly possible. Basically, why must life be one big, drawn out, dick tripping experience? ENOUGH ALREADY! Please?

I wonder why I didn't see the inevitable coming. I wonder why I didn't try harder to save what I already had. I wonder how many times I can put myself through this. I wonder if I'm more to blame then I think I am. Subsequently, I wonder why I am always the one to blame when I know that just can't be true. I wonder why, when people finally admit to their flaws, that they follow the admission with a verbal punch. Maybe they wouldn't have hurt you if you were a better person?

I wonder when, and if, people will EVER stop telling me how to live my life. Most people in my life can't seem to hold a conversation with me without pointing out the "woulda coulda shoulda's" to me. Sometimes, this is welcome. In small intervals. I know people who love & care about you have your best interest at heart. I suppose it's all in the delivery. However, my motto has always been "Please stay in your own garden and tend to your own weeds." If I need help pulling my weeds, I'm appreciative of those who help me. I wonder why it is that the people with the most weeds are the very same ones who come traipsing into your garden most of all?

I wonder when I'll stop with the cryptic. I sound crazy. These moments are incredibly rare. The moments where I face the truth and just break down and let it all go. And I happened to be in front of my computer when it all came crashing down on me.

I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling guilty. And rambling. I'm so sorry! Nobody wants to read the incoherent ramblings of an emotionally exhausted AllyOfTheDolls!