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Barbara: Do you miss seeing your friends in California, Brad? I mean, they helped you through a great deal didn’t they?
Brad: They did and I do. I miss them a lot. But it’s hard for me to explain that I needed this move.
Whoopi: Why?
Brad: Well, because my depression was taking me down a road that my friends couldn’t save me from.
Barbara: What road?
Joy: Yellow brick one, maybe?
Brad: Ha. More than that, I was thinking about leaving altogether. My family (although the cause of a lot of my problems) won’t let me go there. Especially my dad he’s my biggest fan. My sister the psychologist is watching over me, my mom the nurse is monitoring me… My little sis is my rock.
Elizabeth: Isn’t that whole ‘I’m going to kill myself’ thing just an attention grabbing thing? Like how you want everyone to post something sympathetic to you in reply to this post?
Brad: I don’t want anyone to post anything like that. It’s my dragon, I’ll slay it. Maybe it is an ‘attention grabbing thing’ for some. But for others it feels like an honest to god option.
Elizabeth: See? He didn’t even capitalize the word ‘god’ in that last sentence.
Barbara: Brad, is it still an option for you?
Brad: No, it isn’t. I truly love being back home.
Joy: That’s good. There’s already too many dead fags out there already. We need some of them to stick around and do our hair.
Sherri: Exactly.
Brad: Exactly.
Whoopi: Don’t go.
Brad: I won’t.
Barbara: So what does the future hold for you now, Mr. Cricket? What’s in store for you?
Brad: Well, for my new job, I have a trip coming up to Guam, Palau, Micronesia, the Marianas Islands and the Marshall Islands. I’m pretty excited about that. Most of the world doesn’t even know those places exist. I’m going to help spread the word.
Elizabeth: What? Where are you going?
Joy: Disneyland.
Elizabeth: Oh.
Sherri: I love Disneyland, don’t you?
Brad: I do.
Joy: Let’s cut to a commercial, I need to recharge my Blackberry.
Barbara: You and that f*cking cell phone, Behar.
Elizabeth: Oh, she’s such an Obama minion, let her keep her Blackberry. Let them all keep their Blackberries.
Sherri: Uh, why you gotta get down about Blackberries? You wouldn’t complain if it was a Crackaberry.
Barbara: If you all don’t shut up, I’m going to stop this car and leave you in the middle of nowhere.
Joy: We’re not in a car, Grandma.
Sherri: You know what? I love my grandma. She used to make me cookies.
Brad: Peanut butter?
Sherri: Yes.
Elizabeth: Don’t eat peanut butter! Salmonella.
Joy: Salmon what? I hate fish.
Whoopi: Our thank you to our guest Brad for coming to visit us. His book is now in stores. We’ll be right back with a song by musical guest, Bo Bice, and our segment on how to do a self colonoscopy in your very own home.
Brad: Thanks for having me.
Whoopi: Thanks for being here.
[Music plays, cut to commercial for the prescription drug: Smafaquax 24D]
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