[Prudence]

So, still no Boris. Yes, we checked the garage. And garages around us (as much as we could). I was up most of the night, and walked around and at 11:30, 12:30, 3:00, and 6:30. The neighborhood was deathly still, but there was no response to my calls.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do - how much is enough? I'm not sleeping or eating (which means I'm also off meds) and I'm missing chuncks of work. This isn't good. But, I owe it to Boris to do what I can to find him. At what point does it become a needle in a haystack?

I'm actually looking for feedback. Tonight our plan is to go around at about 8:30-9:30 calling his name - not that he would come out, but if he's nearby, he'll know where we are. Then for me to try to get a little sleep. Then around 1am we would both go out and try to figure out attractive middle-of-night cat routes. Also, we may deploy Sasha on a leash. Ever since the first night out, when she came back, she's been itching to get out, especially around midnight. Since she never used to want to go outside, this is new. I don't now if she just loved outside and wants more, or if she knows where he is, or what. But, if they went out together, there's a remote possibility that she'll want to beeline for his hiding hole.

Then we'll do another morning run. And maybe after that, we'll just spend evenings outside, leave out the food and water and shelter, and have to get on with things. Oh, and Ryan will keep talking to neighbors, searching their yards, and visiting the pound during the day.

As you well know, I have no sense of appropriate scope or scale when my own guilt is involved. I don't know if this is an appropriate plan, or if I should be doing more. I don't know if I've been doing too much.

I don't know what Boris was thinking. If he's off having a splendid adventure, he'll not come back until he's ready. If he's dead, he won't be coming back period and nothing I do can change that. If he's far away, it's needle v. haystack and there aren't enough hours in the day for me to cover that ground. If he's nearby, he's heard us every day calling for him. The Rat pointed out that at some point he has to want to come out. If he doesn't want to come out, there are just too many hiding places around us for me to comprehensively search all of them. Plus, there are people who don't want us on their property, crawling around under their house.

Is that reasonable at this point? Keep letting him know where we are (assuming he's out there), but stop the total life disruption? At what point do we close the door at night and let Sasha have *her* space back?

I keep wondering if he was sicker than he was letting on and went off to die and that's why he won't respond. He didn't seem to have gotten perceptibly worse, but he's been diagnosed with CRF for 5-6 years. Or if he was so scared by something that he RAN and is far away now. Last night - it just felt like he wasn't there. Which was probable just my negativeness and the spooky quiet, but still....

Which isn't to say that I've give up hope. I have NOT given up hope. If I had given up hope I would not be spending most of the night sitting outside and walking around, calling for him. I would not be imagining seeing him in his carrier in the morning, or feeling him jump on the bed when I finally doze off in the morning. But, the longer he's gone, the more I wonder why.

If he's dead, I can deal with that. It's the thought of him suffering that has me inconsolable. I can't bear to be the cause of his suffering. It's more than I can live with.

Anyhow, derranged female needs adivce on appropriate scope and course of action.