[LashStoat]

Dearest Happy Haunts,

OMG…Congratulations !!!

I just had to stick my head out of the (deep) work trench I’ve been in since my return to say YAY !!!

…and while I’m momentarily AWOL, I was looking to send you my Instruction Manual for Raising Children…but then I realised that it’s a terror-byte [sic] in size, and your young’n would be 21 before you finished downloading the PDF, so I had to give up the idea.

Pity really, because it contains gem chapters such as:

• Selective hearing: Daddy deafness.
• Food and how to wear it.
• Stuffed Toys…and ones that work.
• The Slumber Party oxymoron.
• Chauffeuring: No ball game.
• Sex and booze…them not youse.

…ahhh, I remember it well. The feeling of stepping barefoot on a Lego Block concealed in shag-pile carpet in a pitch black room when you kiss them goodnight. The sense of satisfaction when you navigate them through a Supermarket Checkout without having to buy them every candy set at their eye level. The tears in their little eyes when they discover the finch splattered against your car radiator when you come home.

It’s all worth it though…and Uncle Stoat will watch lovingly from his side of The Big Pond, as he wonders what the hell they put in that gefilte fish bottle.

With all my love,

The Stoat XXX.