[Ghoulish Delight]

Well, having the benefit of seeing some of your previous attempts at a similar idea, I can comment on your progress. I've pointed out before your tendency to set a scene using static lists of descriptions rather than a "show, don't tell" approach of letting the setting develop through the characters' actions. You haven't divested this entirely of that, but it's much improved, feeling less like a screenplay scene description and more like literature.

As usual, excellent imagery, but something, for me at least, isn't sitting right, stylisticly. I think it's that the piece can't decide whether it's establishing the setting, or establishing the character. Of course, in the long run you'd like to do both, but in a short format like that, I think you almost have to make a decission as to which is the driver and which is the passenger. Either you're setting the scene through the eyes of the character, or you're developing the character within the scene. In an attempt to wedge both into there, I think you did a disservice to either.