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The Latest on Health Care Reform
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report, 12/17/09) - The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCareTM:
Under CompromiseCareTM, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
You will have access to cheap Canadian drugs if you live in Canada.
States whose names contain vowels will be allowed to opt out of the plan.
You get to choose which doctor you cannot afford to see.
You will not have to be pre-certified to qualify for cremation.
A patient will be considered "pre-existing" if he or she already exists.
You'll be free to choose between medications and heating fuel.
Patients can access quality health care if they can prove their name is "Lieberman."
You will have access to natural remedies, such as death.
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'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.'
-TJ
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