what I see:
You werent ready to give up the fight, even when it was time to and your logical and humanitarian mind has already done the right thing. Your insides are still carrying on the fight even after the fact but your conscious self knows that the battle is over...and the two halves of that are still fighting it out. Neither willing to give up. that says tons about how much you cared and still care. normal. totally. I had many a nightmare after loosing each of my parents and more than a few of my animal companions.
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I'm sure someone close to you has already recommended that you get a new pet, but that's something you'd need to be ready for. I can't tell you that it's exactly what you need, but perhaps, if you were pouring your love into some new pet, you would be able to move on?
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totally agreed. honestly, think about taking on a new charge. the space left behind very obviously needs filling and some lucky animal somewhere would be more than happy to take on such a loving role to such a nobel alpha. make it your christmas present to yourself. I think you deserve such a fine gift as unconditional love.
one more thing would be to forgive yourself. no critters live forever (humans either for that matter), doing right by them at their time to depart is as it should be, IMO.